Jingle Cats
you know – for christmas.

Dog Police
i think i’m the only person in the entire world who likes this.

Focus – Hocus Pocus
they don’t make ’em like this anymore…

Matt & Kim – Yea Yeah
cuz matt & kim rule.

Cock & Ball Torture – Aphrodisianus
this isn’t really that good. whatever.

Young @ Heart – Sonic Youth’s “Schizophrenia”
this will make your brain asplode.

Fight Scene From John Carpenter’s They Live
my new favorite fight scene from my new favorite movie.

Cripple Fight – South Park
an homage to my new favorite fight scene from my new favorite movie.

Anshe Chung Gets Wanged In Second Life
some context here and here and here. i totally did this like a year ago. sort of.

SNL Digital Short – Dick In A Box
heh. dick in a box.

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Mostly because our new robot overlords will have no idea how to walk up and down them.

– ASIMO eats shit

– ASIMO eats shit again

(via geekologie)

(p.s. why are all these robots playing trumpets? is that last one wearing a kimono? japanese people are weird.)

Would someone please tell me how the fuck I snoozed on this for like a month?

(via boingboing)

About six years ago, my friend Dave showed me a videotape from the bowels of his immense personal collection. Had I known how many times I’d end up watching that tape over the course of the next six years, maybe I wouldn’t have watched it in the first place. I was younger back then, foolish and naive. Plus, I didn’t know it was going to be a video of a retarded guy doing a cooking show on public access.

The video in question is called “The Merrill Howard Kalin Show.” In it, a young mental defective named – you guessed it – Merrill teaches the audience how to prepare a number of dishes including salad, jello, chicken, and stuffing. He also fucks up every single dish in one way or another and somehow finds time along the way to do impressions of Julia Child, Jack Benny, and “the oldest man in the world” among many others. Then around the end he completely flips out and forgets where he is.

He also expresses a seemingly unhealthy enthusiasm for salad dressing.

I’d like to pause the story for a moment and address something. There might be some people reading this thinking to themselves, “Wow… this guy is the biggest asshole in the entire world, laughing at a retarded person.” For years I addressed this by saying that Merrill is an entertainer, that he wants us to laugh at his show. This is horseshit, obviously. There is no defense for this behavior. I’m an asshole, and if you watch this video and laugh at it you’re an asshole too. Big deal. The most common reaction to the tape is laughter followed by overwhelming guilt, and almost every time the tape is viewed in a large group of people at least one of them says “we’re all going to hell.” I felt kinda guilty about showing it for a while, but people kept asking to see it! What could I do?! I had no choice!

Some people have suggested that the tape is fake, that he’s an actor. I’ve always responded to this suggestion in the same way: If Merrill is an actor, the motherfucker deserves an Oscar. Or an Emmy. I guess it’d be an Emmy, technically. Regardless, this tape is about more than just laughing at a retarded person. Really. Watch the way he addresses the crowd. Watch the way he gives them advice about how they should “never cook alone.” Watch the way his eyes dart back and forth like he’s trying to hide something from the camera that’s catching everything on tape anyway. Watch him unable to resist the temptation of a tomato in the salad he just made. Watch him arrange the cucumbers in the salad into a little smiley face, kinda. Watch him say “my banana got rotten” and then chuckle to himself because he just inadvertently made a semi-dirty joke. Watch how he uses a measuring cup. Watch the cameraman inexplicably cut to the quivering jello mold over and over again. Watch him go completely batshit insane, and then picture the guy behind the camera frantically waving his arms, trying to bring him back to the planet Earth.

Anyway, the whole point of the story is that someone put the tape up on YouTube a few weeks ago. It’s about time – that’s exactly where it belongs. Welcome home, Merrill – you’ve come a long way, baby. Shit really heats up in Part 3 if you’re in a hurry, but I’d strongly recommend watching it start to finish if you can. Brace yourselves, people – it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 1

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 2

The Merrill Howard Kalin Show – Part 3

(edit: The video has been removed at the request of the Little City Foundation‘s lawyers. This actually has me kind of worked up right now – while it’s admittedly fucked up to laugh at these video clips, I don’t think that means they should have the right to take it down. Okay, sure – it’s their “Intellectual Property.” But it’s not like the video’s availability online was somehow killing their sales numbers or something. They’re a non-profit (or very similar to one), which means that this video has been removed from YouTube at their request simply because it isn’t “nice” to have it up with all these people laughing at it on the internet. And there’s only one word for that: gay lame (first word removed at the request of the ilga).

One Bank
i actually feel a little guilty for helping to spread this video. i got an email with a link to it from some dude whose domain turned out to be some sort of weird branding/marketing company. so yeah, maybe it’s just viral marketing, and yeah, maybe i’m helping them with their campaign by reposting this, but you know what? fuck it. it’s funny.

Hurka?
speaking of marketing, american ad agencies could really learn something from the hungarians.

Manakin Moonwalking
isn’t nature beautiful?

Jagoff
wow.

QVC by JMB
the only mashup that i’ve ever really enjoyed.

Shoes
this is an oldie but it kinda rules.

Gong Show Clip
dude… what?

DAF – Liebe Auf Den Ersten Blick
if you were the other dude in this video, would you stand there watching that bullshit?

Jane Skinner Has Something On Her Mind
i’ll give you a clue: it’s cock.

Will It Blend? – Marbles
a white lab coat does not make you a scientist. this is still just some dude putting marbles in a blender.

Will It Blend? – Rake Handle
i know these videos are trying desperately to go viral, and i know i’m doing nothing but help them do so, but man. blending shit rules.

Belinda Bedekovic
an oldie but a way-way-way goodie.

Rocket Lincoln Jump
fuck death… oh, and the laws of physics, too.

Zach Galifianakis on Wonder Showzen
awesome.

More from the Amazing David “Fingers” Haynes
you can actually program those things to do that shit for you, david. that’s kinda the point.

Dove – Evolution Commercial
neato.

Danny Way jumps the Great Wall
this is somehow even more ridiculous than it’s supposed to be.

Spy Magazine’s How to Be Famous: The Montalban Experiment
i believe they mean “The Vincent Ludwig Experiment.”

First question wrong on Who Wants to be a Millionaire
college is completely worthless.

Let’s Paint, Exercise and Eat Pie Live #1
the best public access show just got even bester. how? they added pie. more available here.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeit
i don’t know what this is from but it cracks me up anyway.

Monster Mash: Bobby Brown & Mike Tyson
brain asploded.

1960s Commercial – Low Calorie Canned Fruit
this video rules for 2 or possibly even 3 reasons. can you spot them?

The Last Unicorn
holy fucking shit.

EZ Catch Chicken Harvester
hey, look! chickens! ha ha ha! yay! hey… wait! chickens! where are you going? oh, yeah. to die.

An Indian Take On Thriller
sometimes i wish i could dance. like right now, for example.

Turtle Rape
isn’t nature beautiful?

Russian Hooligan Fight
you are a pussy. your friends? pussies. these guys? not so much.

Arnold Fights A Bear
damn right he does.

Little Superstar
if you haven’t seen this by now you suck at the internet. seriously.

Like most people out there, I’m really into Tampa public access television programs from the late 1980’s to early 1990’s. I always considered myself a bit of an expert on the subject (who doesn’t?), but somehow I managed to snooze on this Sondra Prill character for years. What gives? Why didn’t anyone tell me about her before?

Sondra Prill (according to a much more detailed article about a quarter of the way down this page) allegedly took herself completely seriously as the star of a three-episode program entitled – get this – “My Show.” Sondra sang, dance and postured her heart out in each installment of the show that, according to Eric Williams of ubu.com, “provided a showcase for Sondra’s ever-evolving range of things at which she tried to be talented.” Over the course of the three shows she went from a country darlin’ to a tone-deaf diva, covering everything from Hank Williams to Janet Jackson and Technotronic. The shows were peppered with incomprehensible skits that revolved around characters like “Nellie Pineapple” and “Millie The Old Lady.”

Now I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way she could possibly have taken this seriously. You could argue that convincingly, if it weren’t for Sondra’s swan song: a 1992 concert at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center Playhouse Theatre entitled “A Musical Fantasy.” We’re talking about a Hurricane Andrew fundraiser at a 900-seat arena here. Here’s Daniel Ruth of the Tampa Tribune on the subject:

“Ticket prices for her show ranged up to $50, a testimony to a rather intriguing assessment of her talents considering recent (and slightly better known) TBPAC performers such as Al Green and Patti LaBelle charged a maximum ticket price of $25.

“Of course Green and LaBelle lack Sultry Sondra’s unique way of handling a melody – a cross between the dulcet sound of setting one’s hair on fire and sticking one’s hand into a garbage disposal.

“Friday night’s show was not without its highlights. First, it started about 20 minutes late and in an inadvertent gaffe much to the delight of the audience, Sultry Sondra’s microphone failed during one of her songs, which meant we were all spared from having to listen to her.

“Fortunately for the rest of the city, there weren’t that many of us in the audience. Only 41 tickets were sold to Sultry Sondra, a commentary on the good sense of the populace. Of course they did miss that dramatic moment during the performance where Sultry Sondra had honey poured all over her for no particular reason. Say, That’s Entertainment!

“Needless to say the victims of Hurricane Andrew won’t be benefitting much from Friday’s extravaganza of the banal. But then again, perhaps the folks down in Miami could send Sultry Sondra a few bucks – as professional courtesy from one disaster to another.”

Here’s the bottom line: Sondra Prill is either the most brilliantly retarded performance art that Florida ever spawned or a foaming, raving lunatic, but either way her videos are absolutely fucking hysterical. Ladies and gentlemen of the internet… I give you Sondra Prill. Or YouTube does, I guess. I’ll give you the links to YouTube and then YouTube will give you Sondra Prill.

Sondra Prill – Nasty Boys

Sondra Prill – Pump Up The Jam

Sondra Prill – Addicted To Love

Sondra Prill – Your Cheatin’ Heart

Sondra Prill – Little Melissa

Sondra Prill – Nellie Pineapple

Sondra Prill – Millie The Old Lady

Sondra Prill – Mario The Body Builder

Sondra Prill – Smile Toothpaste Commercial

Sondra Prill – Imitates Eddie

Sondra Prill – Star Spangled Banner

Screw you guys.  I’m on vacation.

The second one is a TV pirating incident from 1987.

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