On any given day teenagers perform countless spontaneous acts of stupidity. But how many of those stupid, spontaneous acts generate highbrow discussions about free speech that end up going all the way to the Supreme Court? In the seven years of my own personal teendom, I can say with confidence that I was involved in over 1,000 acts of a stupid and spontaneous nature, and not a single one of them did anything but get me either wounded or grounded. That means that less than .1% of all stupid and spontaneous acts performed by teenagers generate highbrow discussions about free speech and end up going all the way to the Supreme Court.

QED.

[gv data=”k-EVl7Z7bHY”][/gv]

36 years ago there was an epic karate battle 3 blocks away from my current apartment. The man responsible was Count Dante, the self-proclaimed “Deadliest Man Alive.” So frickin’ sweet. Too bad the dojo where it happened is now something called the Total Body Wellness Center, which is significantly less cool than the Black Cobra Hall of Kung Fu. I’m also pretty sure that whatever happens there now (yoga? acupuncture?) is significantly less cool than a bunch of black-belt karate experts raiding a rival dojo and ending up “stabbed in the chest with a saber.” Sigh. My neighborhood used to rule, apparently.

I’m admittedly at least a week behind the rest of the internet in posting anything about Kenneth Eng, self-declared “Asian supremacist” and “God of the Universe.” Sure, his little column was bigoted and insensitive, but taken at face value that’s not really much of a story. What would I title the post? “Asian Guy Hates Blacks?” What a snoozer! I had the whole thing written off last week as a news blip, a sensational morsel in the sea of info insanity. Then I found out that he has an Amazon blog and once wrote a book called “Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate.” Suddenly, my interested was piqued. “Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate?” Really? Let me reiterate:

“Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate.”

Brain asploded.

Here’s a quote from his blog on the subject of religion:

“Let’s look at the muslim religion. They believe that music, dance, naked women and other such things are “indecent”. They think that some creature called “allah” will bring them peace, yadda, yadda, yadda. They think that if they bow every day, they will somehow be transported to a place called “heaven”, where everyone looks conspicuously human. I don’t know about you, but I masturbate all the time. It’s not going to affect me in any way, aside from making me need to take baths more often. And listening to O Fortuna will not make my head explode. Nor will spitting at every church I see make my intestines burst out of my abdomen.”

So now everyone is outraged, but I will forgive him for all of this because one of the dragons on the cover of his book is holding a gun. I like that.

It’s the best way to take it, man. If you swallow it you lose too much of it in your digestive system. If you hoop it, it goes straight into your bloodstream, dude. Yeeeeeahhhhh.

(via vintage ads – more radium-related insanity here)

Last night Jo bought two toys out of a vending machine while we were leaving the worst Chinese buffet I’ve ever eaten at. One of them was an alligator with like a surfboard or something, and the other one was even dumber – some weird little red thing with a broom and a bag and a stupid hat on. Now that I’ve looked at it for a little while, I guess maybe it’s a witch or something. I was about to throw it across the parking lot (because that’s what you do with stupid toys when you can’t figure out what they are) when it hit me: the thing looks exactly like Marty Feldman.

Weird!

The Evening Whirl has been circulating in St. Louis since 1938, which means that I missed about 70 years of the best shit ever. That bums me out, but the fact that it still exists makes me really happy, so I guess I come out pretty much even. Theres something to be said for a newspaper that refers to a rape as a “pussy plundering” and a rape victim as a “boned victim.” There’s something to be said, but I’m not totally sure what it is yet. Maybe just “wow.” Click the picture above for a bigger version.

Some dude killed 2 clowns.

A girl named Alyson Levy (who used to work on Wonder Showzen, apparently) made a short documentary out of footage she shot while visiting a Christian puppet camp. The results will melt your brain. Check it out.

The Hands of God – part 1

The Hands of God – part 2

The Hands of God – part 3

The Hands of God – part 4