You can play a game of pool on his pool table in a Graceland gift shop if you are 15 or older. It costs $100 for 30 minutes, but you get a polaroid and a “Certificate of Authenticity.”

He donated $1000 to the E.S. Lawo Man For Boy Club, which cannot possibly be what it sounds like.

Somebody from Scotland left this poem by his grave.

Also:

– Almost nobody has ever been upstairs at Graceland.

– If you are driving to Memphis from Chicago, you will pass this cross:

It’s so big it has its own website. A real one – not like a MySpace profile or a LiveJournal or whatever.

I am posting this from a Super 8 motel in Mattoon, Illinois. You know – Mattoon. The FutureGen Final Candidate Host Site. Mattoon. Home to over four types of food. Mattoon. Home of the first Burger King and The Mad Gasser and apparently some sort of “Soybean Museum” that only seems to exist in the town’s wikipedia entry (which is a bummer, because I would really like to visit a Soybean Museum tomorrow morning).

I’ll be here until tomorrow morning when we set off for Memphis. In the meantime, I’ll be on the lookout for a white female in a sun hat.

Mattoon: A City For All Seasons.

Pretty much everything.

Dudes have two options when Aunt Flow comes to visit their babes: put up or shut up. That’s been enough, those two choices, since the dawn of man. You either roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty or say “yucky” and wait a few days. That’s how it is. That’s how it’s always been. Or, if you ask some freak named Abdul A. Al-Saleh from Saudi Arabia, that’s how it’s been for FAR TOO LONG. Al-Saleh thinks two choices is bullshit. Al-Saleh wants to have his cake and eat it too. Al-Saleh is probably a very strange guy to those who know him personally.

I don’t think I have to tell you what U.S. Patent #5,620,429 is. I think the picture speaks for itself, at least conceptually, although the actual physicality of how such a contraption might work completely eludes me. The abstract explains a bit:

The round bag has an opening and rings, windings and protrusions, as well as a suitable cream…. The fixing extension is placed between the rumps and may be coated by an adhesive material.

Oh, I get it now. The fixing extension goes between the rumps. Where in this patent does it explain who in their right fucking mind would ever consider banging this thing? Did he think about that at all? Maybe that’s why the patent was filed ten years ago and, bafflingly enough, you still can’t find Al-Saleh’s magnificent contraption at Walgreens or CVS. Maybe two choices was enough all along! We’ll put up or shut up, but we won’t fuck bags. Sorry, Al-Saleh. U.S. Patent #5,620,429 sucks.

Kenneth Eng (aka “God of the Universe”) is at it again! It goes without saying that the guy is a total moron, but this interview is kind of awesome.

(Thanks, Justin!)

(previously)

I decided to look up some information about slime moulds. It turns out that, in addition to being fascinating protists, they are also “gay homos.”

Does the scientific community know about this yet?

(jpg for posterity’s sake)

Pop quiz.

You’re a brilliant physicist at some goofy university when all of a sudden you come to the crushing conclusion that you are sick of academia. What do you do?

If you’re Theo Jansen, you hunker down and get to work on “creating a new life-form.” You call them “Beach Animals.” Then you put one on the internet, and a bunch of people way less smart than you are link to it. Then all of their brains asplode.

Be sure to watch the video at the bottom of the thing walking. Then please tell me what the hell it is.

(link – via your daily awesome)

Thumbelina is the world’s smallest horse. I don’t know what else to say about her.

(via smallist – a blog dedicated to all things small)

(edit: Thumbelina has her own website!)

I can’t believe it either. A third post about what may very well be the crappiest movie ever made. Once this is done, I will have officially spent more time thinking about this film than any of the people involved in its production.

I was thinking about those soundboards – you know, the ones that were really funny a few years ago. They always took samples from the classics (T2, Commando, Kindergarten Cop), but for some reason Junior was grossly underrepresented. Why might that be? It’s chock-full of great clips!

I’m not gonna put one together or anything (that would be an absolutely outrageous waste of time – the movie is WAY too stupid to deserve such attention), but here’s a little montage with a few of the possibilities.

And with that, let us never speak of Junior ever again.

(edit: for some reason the mp3 is playing back way too slow, but you know what? I am not putting any more time, effort, or thought into a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger having a baby.)

A kid who grew up across the street from me just got busted for growing $2 million worth of weed in his apartment. I haven’t seen him since we were in 4th grade. One time we were playing TurboGrafx-16 and his grandpa busted into the room and started beating the living shit out of him, so I went home.

We were playing Splatterhouse.

Here’s his MySpace profile – note the url. Very subtle, Tony.