Ladies and gentlemen… I give you “Real Talk” by R. Kelly.

This is probably exactly what it’s like to have an argument with R. Kelly.

It was invented by Nazis!

In addition to being champions of the unfortunate swing revival in the late 90s, the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies also helped make a giant mechanical wang. And you thought they were cool before.

NSFW, obviously.

He would probably look a little bit like this hand-decorated Pirates of the Carribean cookie I bought at 7-Eleven last night.

Laugh if you want, but I think that’s pretty good for a nine-year-old Indonesian child who has never even heard of Johnny Depp before. Plus you KNOW she decorated like 8,000 cookies that day and only earned like 60 cents. Cut her some slack.

In our increasingly media-savvy (not to mention human anatomy-savvy) culture, could this mistake ever be repeated again? When we catch Osama Bin Laden (yeah right) and autopsy photos inevitably get leaked, is there any chance that a rigor mortis-stiffened arm could possibly be mistaken for a 2-foot-long wang? Did anyone watching the videos of Saddam Hussein being hung think it was a double entendre? I think not, but I would love to be proven wrong on this one.

Click the image for the full story if you haven’t already. Oh, and if anyone has a clip of the Wonder Years episode where Kevin Arnold and his friends apparently talk about John Dillinger’s legendary penis, please let me know.

(thanks Joel!)

Some dude has a website about unusual screws.

Stop the internet, I wanna get off.

(via bb)

but John Walsh‘s son was abducted from a Sears in Florida in 1981 and was subsequently murdered. I wonder if that inspired him to host America’s Most Wanted.

Kill babies.

Some friends and I were discussing hyphy the other day at a bbq. The discussion was mostly based around a simple question: What the hell is it? I think by the end of the conversation we had decided that a song becomes hyphy whenever the rapper says the word “hyphy,” except in Mims’ “This Is Why I’m Hot” where he mentions hyphy, but only to point out that he’s capable of performing in a “hyphy” style. Which is all to say that none of us have any idea what exactly hyphy is.

Luckily, some guy named Ken Tucker does!

According to Ken Tucker, a music critic for NPR’s Fresh Air, Hyphy is…

– “an abstract-expressionist version of hip hop.”

– “A kind of movie soundtrack for an urban party scene.”

– “airy absurdism.”

– “A party that doesn’t stop… with each guest trying to wear the biggest, loudest lampshade on his or her head.”

– “genially rambunctious.”

Thanks, Ken Tucker! Where were you when we were grillin’ out?!

(link)

With pirate attacks down by nearly a third, there’s never been a better time to sail in international waters with a huge sack of diamonds. This raises more questions than it answers, though. Here’s a breakdown:

QUESTIONS IT ANSWERS

1. Are pirate attacks up or down since last year?

QUESTIONS IT RAISES

1. Pirates? Really?!

2. That is so fucking cool. Did you seriously say pirates?!

3. Who are these people issuing reports with statistical data on real life pirates?

4. How can I work for them?

5. Pirates! (not really a question, but still.)