I have a new article up on Cracked.com today. Go read it.

(article link)

New article up on Cracked today. That’s all.

It’s ironic that Africa is kind of shaped like a giant t-bone steak.

(previously)

An updated and expanded version of “Cliffs Notes on Mystikal’s Pussy Crook” is up today at Cracked.com (direct link). It looks awesome - check it out.

As you may have heard, the Hard Rock restaurant, hotel, and casino chain has been acquired by the Seminole Tribe for $965 million. As such, the company’s operations stand to change dramatically over the next few months. Here’s a small sampling of what’s to come, according to a trusted and reliable Seminole insider. Seriously.

PAY

- Employees will now be paid in blankets and liquor.

- Full-time employees will have the opportunity to trade all of their earned blankets and liquor within any two-week pay period for ownership of Manhattan Island, which can then be sold back to Hard Rock management for $24.

- Chief Planted Bush want raise.

DRESS CODE

FASHION DO: Tight pants, sleeveless shirts. “Rock n’ roll” attitude.

FASHION DON’T: Headdresses, hides. Anything “Indianish.”

FASHION DO: Korn t-shirt.

FASHION DON’T: “You Slaughtered My People And Robbed Us Of Our Land” t-shirt.

FASHION DO: Tattoos of skulls, roses.

FASHION DON’T: Tattoos of weird tribal birds, American Indians.

FASHION DO: Mohawk.

FASHION DON’T: Mohawk.

FOOD

New food items to be served at all Hard Rock Cafe locations include the following:

- Holy Moley Seminoley Guacamole

- Tomahawk Taco Tots

- Antiquated Way Of Life Jalapeño Poppers

- Peace Piperific Pizza Tubes

- Trail Of Tears Spicy Buffalo Wings

CUSTOMER SERVICE

New customer service standards will be implemented beginning January 1, 2007. We like to call them the “CARE” Plan - just follow four simple rules:

C - CREATE a pleasant atmosphere for the customer!

A - AVOID bringing up the fact that the colonization of North America completely decimated an entire race of people!

R - REMEMBER to refill those drinks!

E - EMPHASIZE the gift shop!

I found this jpg on a backup CD I was digging through. And just think: It could have been lost forever! Thank God I backed it up!