I Don’t Want A Second Life (Part 5)
Saturday January 28th 2006, 8:35 pm
Filed under: second life

These Second Life blog entries are at kind of a standstill right now, mostly because I’ve been suspended from the game for a week. I like to think of it as a small victory.

It all started in a weird little area of the game that I can’t remember the name of. The people there practice a weird little form of roleplaying called “Gor.” It’s all based on the writings of some sci fi writer named John Norman. The basic idea (at least as far as I can gather) is that women are completely subservient and men are super dudical. All the women are kept on leashes and aren’t allowed to talk much. If you’re interested there’s more than enough info on all the rules at this website, but if you’re like me, you’re not really interested enough to read them all. Suffice it to say these people are really weird and the whole deal is more than a little creepy. So when I encountered them, I did the only sensible thing you can do in a situation like that – I threw a bunch of giant dicks at them.

they're not sure what to do now.

After yelling at them about how I was “seeking the runestone of A’arethstein” for a while, this was the logical next step. They ran away from it into their “house,” so I followed them.

that's a lot of dicks.

As you can see, they put me in a weird American Gladiator style cage. Oh, and as you can also see, I’m wearing a giant wang. Big deal. Quit judging me. Long story short: they kicked me off their land and reported me. I was wandering around for a while and came across this.

i can't think of anything clever to say about this one.

Heyo! It’s Super Mario Brothers, but it’s INSIDE the game! Hoo wee! Alright, I guess I’m gonna get some coins… hey, wait a second. Why can’t I get the coins? What’s going on here? Oh yeah – I almost forgot.

what a crock.

Yeah – the fucking thing doesn’t do anything. You can walk around on it, but that’s about it. Big deal.

So have you guys heard about Furries? You know – those people who dress up in animal costumes? Guess what? They’re all over the place in Second Life. Yuck.

furry pride.  yuck.

So yeah – you can hit a button and it makes it so that you can see invisible stuff – people will make things they wear or items they carry invisible so they can reveal them when it’s appropriate. Guess what this guy is packin’ (other than a “Furry Pride” t-shirt)? I’ll give you a hint: it’s gross.

jesus christ.

This is seriously one of the grosses things ever. I think the “all over the place” footnote (courtesy of the “management”) seals the deal. After seeing this sign, it wasn’t a big surprise when I found this inside.

everyone loves stuffed animals.

What bizarre events must transpire during someone’s formative years to result in them making a stuffed bunny with huge tits and a dick in an online RPG twenty years later? I know we’re not supposed to judge anyone and everything everyone does is okay as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone and blah blah blah, but seriously. Can we draw a line in the sand somewhere around here? Maybe just a little bit before the giant stuffed bunny with tits and a dick? Please?

Anyway, something clearly had to be done. Hence all the giant dicks.

fight fire with fire.

They hated that.

admiring my own handiwork.

It didn’t take long for them to kick me off their “land,” and it only took a little while longer for them to report me.

So I’m in “South Central” or “Compton” or some shit – some weird “thug” area where everyone looks like gangsters – when I see a pimped out ride.


What would you do? Duh.

xzibit would be proud.

There’s no real story there. I just thought it was funny that I put a bunch of boners on a lowrider.

So I’m sitting there thinking to myself, hey, you know what? This is really immature. Grow up. Seriously – putting boners on everything? What kind of 13 year old, juvenile bullshit is that? I’m too old for this shit. I closed the game, got up and went out for a little while. Then it hit me. When I got home I opened up photoshop and got to work. Then I logged back on and hit “da club.”

dance all night, baby.

There were probably about twenty people up in “da club” at the time. They were there for a “sexy avatar” contest. I assume these babes were there to compete.

oooh yeah.

With t-minus three minutes left until the contest, I unleashed a virtual shit storm.

go outside.  please.

Hey – who’s making all these boxes?

thats a lot of boxes!

Seriously – they’re everywhere. This is bullshit.

what the hell?

How are we supposed to have a sexy avatar contest with all these fucking boxes in the way? I can’t move.

yup - lots of boxes.  whatever.

So with something like twenty simultaneous complaints about me, someone from Linden Labs (the game’s creator) finally showed up.

fuckin' pigs!

He asked me if they were my boxes. I said yeah, and he asked me to remove them. I said I had been commissioned by the club to install them and that I wasn’t getting rid of them until I got paid. Meanwhile all twenty other people in the club were yelling that I was full of shit and telling him to kick me off. He brought up all the boners I threw at all the furries, but c’mon – this is totally different. This is “art.” It was probably a pretty easy call on his end.


The guy kicked me out of the game and when I tried to log back in it said my account was under review. A few hours later I received the following email:

Dear Pim Hoggard,

Linden Lab individually investigates the circumstances of every Abuse
Report we receive. Following a careful review of our server records and
logs, we have determined that your recent actions violated the Second Life
Community Standards or Terms of Service. The violation in question occurred
on January 24, 2006 in the region of Seneca.

Violation: Community Standards: Assault, Safe Area

Most areas in Second Life are identified as ‘Safe’.
Shooting, pushing, shoving, or otherwise targeting another
Resident in a manner prevents that Resident from enjoying
their Second Life is a violation of Safe area standards.

The rules of conduct are interpreted with the broadest meaning possible.


As a result of this violation, your Second Life account is
being temporarily suspended for a period of 7 days. It will
return to active status on Tuesday, Jan 31, 2006.


Linden Lab

I got another one a little while later for all the boners, but you get the idea.

So yeah, my account will be back January 31, and yeah, I’ll probably end up back in Second Life throwing boners at furries, but for now I’ll be finding other ways to amuse myself. So far, it’s been mostly booze and Katamari Damacy. We’ll see what happens tonight – hell, I might even go outside.

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