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We Need A New Band Name
Wednesday January 18th 2006, 5:28 pm
Filed under: writing

… and that was the last time he ever bonged red wine! Anyway, enough fun, people. Let’s get down to business and figure this thing out. Hey, relax you guys, will you? I was just kidding about the “enough fun” thing. You look like a couple of scared kids. Any of you guys want a beer? Something harder? There’s some pills in that box right there. Go nuts.

Not you, Zig.

Anyway, the record is going over like a cream dream, boys! We’ve been hoppin’ and boppin’ to it all around the office for days. Even the interns are asking about it! It’s got the goods! Cool but clean, rebellious but radio friendly… I think we could milk a good 3 or 4 hits out of it, to be honest. In this industry, we say a great record has to “pop.” Well guess what, guys? This record pops. Hell, this record does more that pop. It pizzops. I don’t go in for all that “izzle” crap, but it’s true. This record’s got the pizzops, baby! Anyway, the label is totally psyched to work with you guys, and we really, totally want to make this thing happen, I can’t stress that enough, but, well, there’s a problem.

It’s your name.

Sit down, Zig. Hear me out on this.

Don’t get me wrong, guys – Light Horse Harry does have a certain ring to it. And when the marketing bozos came to me all like “What’s with the name?” believe me, I was ready to defend it. “It’s not our job to tamper with their vision,” that’s what I told them. They said I was an idiot. I said “trust me” and they called me an idiot again and left. Numbers, stats, that’s how these people think. They want to suck the life out of rock and roll to make a buck. Maybe I am an idiot, maybe they’re right, but at least I believe in something: rock. I believe in the power of rock, and if that makes me an idiot, then dag nab it, I’m an idiot!

But they got me thinking: Maybe we can do better than Light Horse Harry. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing here before I brought it up, so I checked with a few of my guys, and we all kind of agreed. Associating yourself with an 18th Century American General like Henry (Light Horse) Lee III is just a little… well… cliche.

Yeah, I know, Zig, he helped to quell the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794. To be honest, that raises more questions than it answers. I mean, you guys have two songs on the album about how much you love whiskey. Why do you want to associate yourself with the guy who led a militia to suppress a bootleggers’ rebellion?! Your name is, at it’s very essence, anti-whiskey. Did you guys ever think about that?

Zig, please sit down. Stop yelling at me and just sit down. Don’t any of the rest of you talk? Yeesh. Anyway, yes, Zig, I was aware that Henry Lee III received his nickname “Light Horse Harry” through his reputation as a great leader of light troops during the War of Independence. I’m in the music industry, for fuck’s sake. I know his story, and I know this album. What I don’t know is why you guys think a band that’s pro-whiskey, pro-military strategy, and yet somehow vehemently anti-whiskey is going to resonate with teens. That’s the part I don’t quite understand yet.

We need something that speaks to our demographic. Something with an edge. I’m not saying that Henry Lee III isn’t edgy, it’s just that he’s so… obvious. I mean, why not call yourselves George Washington? See how many records sell with a name like that. We need something more obscure. I was thinking along the lines of “The Elder Futhark.”

Just think it over, boys – sleep on it if you have to, alright? I gotta run – we’ll do lunch!


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