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Video Roundup.
Friday August 17th 2007, 10:28 am
Filed under: videos

R. Kelly – Trapped In The Closet: Chapter 13-22 Preview
there’s gonna be a helicopter involved somehow. holy crap.

Batman Commercial
holy act of congress!

The Two Coreys: “Friends? Best Friends!”
that is unbelievably depressing.

Frankie & Johnnie’s Furniture Commercial
i say i say i say, this fucking rules.

Weatherman With A Green Tie
heh.

Andy Kaufman On FRIDAYS
read this background info first. so sweet.

Let Me Eat Some Corn!
that cat is totally eating corn! nom nom nom!

Bentley Green – “Hey Mama”
this kid is gonna get laid when he’s like 7.

Crazy Calls Answering Machine Tape TV Ad
how zany!

The Duct Tape Bandit
this has “viral” written all over it.

Rosie O’Donnell Acting Retarded
oldie but goodie.

Bearforce 1
“the first real ‘bearband’ of the world.” whoaaaaa.



A Very Specific Apology Letter.
Monday August 13th 2007, 10:05 am
Filed under: photoshop fun



It’s A Celebration.
Monday August 13th 2007, 9:59 am
Filed under: internet crap,writing

“Comments On Last Night’s Orgy” is up on Yankee Pot Roast today.

Also, it’s my birthday today. Double-whammy!



Save It For The Podcast (Episode 1) Is On The Air!
Tuesday August 07th 2007, 8:48 am
Filed under: save it for the podcast

The first episode of the brand-new Save It For The Podcast podcast (p-p-p-p-PODCAST!) is available for streaming and direct download.

[audio:http://www.hypocriticalmass.org/crap/save_it_for_the_podcast-episode_1.mp3]

(direct download)

An incomplete list of the topics discussed includes:

– What sucks in Singapore?
– If given the choice, which would you do: give your dad a handjob or murder him?
– What to do when your mom gets a breast reduction
– What gay people do
– KKK vs. Terrorists: Who’s tougher?
– Judging a book its cover
– Ironic T-shirts

And just for your reference, the book cover in question is this one:

Enjoy, and feel free to send questions, comments, glowing praise and/or death threats to ross [at] hypocriticalmass.org.



Are You Mature?
Monday August 06th 2007, 2:30 pm
Filed under: food,internet crap

If so, you probably won’t think this is funny.



Only In Chicago.
Monday August 06th 2007, 2:26 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,food

There was a time in the not-so-distant past when Chicago was the meat capital of the world. Those days are over, but there are still a few stragglers around if you know where to look for them.

Yesterday we were hanging out at a bar, minding our own business, when we noticed a guy in the corner wearing a butcher’s outfit with a huge package of sausages tucked under his arm. He went around the bar from table to table, asking if people wanted any meat. It sort of seemed like some kind of weird performance art for a minute, but we soon realized the guy was dead serious and had a refrigerated truck parked outside. Some drunk guy held a bag over his head and started chanting “20 DOLLARS OF MEAT!” Within a half hour we had 20 bucks out on the table, and a few minutes after that it was gone, replaced by – surprise, surprise – a huge bag of meat.

There was also a menu in the bag, which I’d like to share with you. Of the 48 products listed below, 20 contain references to buttholes. Also of note: “Hot And Creamy Sex Candles,” a Monica Lewinsky joke, and something called “GI Joe’s Candyass Salsa Whoopass Wimpy!” Oh – and a “Sausage Emergency Number.” Ya’ll ready for this?

Brain asploded.



I’ll Be (Hitting It From The) Back.
Friday August 03rd 2007, 3:14 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,movies,technology,things that rule

Apologies for the lousy headline, but I was so excited to get a link up to these pictures of Terminators boning each other that I just couldn’t help myself.

Many more here. The binary code under the photos contains secret messages, too (if you’re bored enough to convert it).

(via geekologie)



Ironic, Kinda Funny, Or Neither?
Friday August 03rd 2007, 2:10 pm
Filed under: internet crap,polls,stupidity

[poll=8]



Video Roundup.
Thursday August 02nd 2007, 8:46 am
Filed under: internet crap,videos

Anonymous on FOX11
beware the internet hate machine.

“Chocolate Rain” Original Song by Tay Zonday
i smell a meme.

What Are you Gonna Do To The Monster?
i’m sorry, but that’s fucking adorable.

Re: Daxflame interviews LisaNova!
this might be a really awesome joke, but i have a feeling that it’s not.

The Fonz And The Honk!
thanks, fonz.

Rap Cat
this is dumb but i still like it.

Zach Galifianakis
heh.

Filipino Prisoners Perform “Thriller”
if you somehow missed this one, catch it now.

Ostrich Skiing – Unbelievably
better than the video: people arguing in the comments over whether or not it’s real.

Louis CK Airline Safety Video
heh.

Slime in the Ice Machine
i don’t know what to say about this.

Jessica The Hippo
i’m pretty sure that’s a terrible idea.

Ghostride The Whip Movie Trailer
is there really 90 minutes worth of shit to say about ghostriding the whip?



Things That Suck: Every Single Trailer I Saw Last Night Before The Simpsons Movie.
Thursday August 02nd 2007, 8:40 am
Filed under: advertising,movies,things that suck

Was the absolutely staggering increase in advertising before movies incremental, or did they just lay it all down at once? I don’t go to the movies all that often, but it seems like every time I do the amount of bullshit they play before the movie gets a little longer and a lot more annoying. I don’t think they used to play commercials for fabric softener and life insurance before movies, did they? I remember there always being trailers, but didn’t all the trailers used to be for… umm… movies? You know – because you were at a movie theater? Now they’re hawking TV shows, products and services, and they’re not even doing it in a widescreen format. They just leave black bars on either side of the screen. How long before they start using those bars to play other, smaller ads? Maybe I should write them a letter and suggest it. As it stands, it’s kind of a waste.

We went to go see The Simpsons Movie last night (which was okay), and we were advised to line up a good half hour before the movie started. What that meant was that we ended up enduring a full hour of dumbed-down movie trivia (one of the answers was actually “The Simpsons Movie” – wrap your head around that one) and advertising. After a half hour of trivia and celebrity quotes and Coke ads, we were actually relieved when the lights dimmed and – gasp – they started playing actual advertisements. You know – ones with pictures that actually move. Geena Davis told us that if we bought refreshments something charitable would happen (can’t remember what), Tide is fucking awesome, and a bunch of TV shows I will never watch will be airing in September. Then finally, after a mind-numbling 15 minutes or so, we finally got to the main course: trailers for other movies. Here’s a quick rundown.

Alvin & The Chipmunks

[gv data=”u-25sHH5d5A”][/gv]

In 1958, Ross Bagdasarian (who also recorded the hit song “The Witch Doctor”) figured out that speeding up an audio track of a person singing sounds funny. The discovery won him two Grammy Awards, a long-running cartoon spinoff, and the distinguished position of Most Annoying Man Of The 20th Century. 50 years later, it looks like children are just as stupid and easy to please as they were back then. It also looks like Jason Lee’s career is over.

The Game Plan

[gv data=”XvWud6W5V6E”][/gv]

Did you miss The Pacifier because you thought it looked like the most retarded thing ever, or because you were just waiting for someone to make the same movie with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson instead of Vin Diesel? Let me explain to you why it’s funny: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is very manly, and parenting (especially a daughter) is for chicks. Also noteworthy: “The Rock” is starting to use his actual birth name in conjunction with his wrestling name. Did somebody say “serious acting aspirations”?

Stardust

[gv data=”UdW7rbcfGzs”][/gv]

A meteor crashes into the Earth but it turns out that it’s an angel and there’s magic and witches and shit like that. Oh, and Robert De Niro is a space pirate. It’s like they force-fed a French guy some ecstasy, threw him in front of a word processor and said “just type whatever sounds cool to you right now.”

Fred Claus

[gv data=”SpXBttFohgU”][/gv]

This one looks like it’s going to fall into the “naughty Christmas movie” genre established by movies like “Bad Santa,” “Badder Santa,” and “Badder Santa: The Unrated Version” (in which Billy Bob Thornton murders every other character in the movie with an axe while swearing a lot (with hilarious results)), Fred Claus is about Santa Claus’s relationship with his brother (Vince Vaughn), who doesn’t wear a red suit, doesn’t have a beard, and does not deliver presents to children. Instead, the eponymous Fred Claus looks, talks, and acts exactly like Vince Vaughn. You know – like a dude. I’m not even gonna talk shit about this one, actually, because after enduring the crap listed above, this one actually seemed like it might be worth watching.

Good lord. Every single trailer I saw last night before The Simpsons Movie sucked.