It’s Not Funny, It’s Tragic.
Friday July 27th 2007, 3:16 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,news,stupidity

There is absolutely nothing funny about two news helicopters crashing into each other while filming a police chase. Nope. Nothing funny about that at all. What kind of sick fuck are you, anyway?

Not funny. Tragic.

Things That Suck: Almost Getting Decapitated By A Truck.
Friday July 27th 2007, 11:35 am
Filed under: things that suck

Yesterday I decided to do a good deed. My friend Craig (hi Craig!) had surgery on his leg last week, and he was feeling a little stir crazy, what with the whole not leaving his house for days at a time thing, so I drove down to Lower West Side of Chicago with some friends so we could take him out to eat. Nice, right? What do I get in return?

I almost get decapitated by a truck.

We’re driving along when all of the sudden we get detoured because of some stupid carnival. So we end up getting detoured around the thing, getting waved through intersections by homeless guys in orange vests who are making $5 an hour but acting like they’re cops. Yeah, thanks for waving me through, guy. You might want to turn around, though – you’re waving me directly into another homeless guy in an orange vest. Yeah, see him? He’s the one who’s telling me to stop. Yeah, great dude. Thanks for giving me permission to cross the empty intersection.

Anyway, so we’re turning down all these side streets trying to get around the carnival, when all of the sudden there’s a truck turning in front of me. It looked a little like this.

So we’re stuck at the intersection with absolutely nowhere to go and this truck is turning in front of us, slowly inching closer and closer to my car. The bottom of the trailer is just about at the right level to rip the top of my car off and crush all of our skulls. What is the appropriate response to that? What would rational thought tell you to do in that situation? Honk your horn, right? That’s precisely what horns are for – to alert other drivers. Perfect solution, right? Just lay on the horn to let the truck driver know that he’s about to decapitate me and my friends!

Sounds good in theory, but what actually happened was a little different. Rather than laying on my horn to stop awful things from transpiring, I opted instead to keep my foot firmly planted on the brakes and slap my window over and over again while repeating the words “please stop please stop please stop please stop!”

All of my friends laughed at me, but you know what? That was the best I could do under those circumstances. And you know what else? I don’t think that’s half bad. Whatever – apparently it worked.

The chinese food was really good, by the way, but the almost getting decapitated by a truck? That kinda sucked.

Yet Another Article Up On Cracked Today.
Friday July 27th 2007, 9:01 am
Filed under: bizarre,internet crap,jokes

WTF!?: The 8 Strangest Communities on the Web” is up on Cracked.com today. Some of you may have seen this already, but you ain’t never seen it lookin’ so purty.

Cliffs Notes On R. Kelly’s “The Zoo.”
Wednesday July 25th 2007, 8:12 am
Filed under: internet crap,jokes,music,photoshop fun

I have a new article up on Cracked.com today. Go read it.

(article link)

All The Joys Of Being At Work While Riding Your Bike.
Tuesday July 24th 2007, 2:14 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,stupidity,technology

I guess I can add a 7th entry to my March entry “Six Stupid Bikes.” Ladies & gentlemen, I give you the Office Chair Bike.

Comes complete with helmet, rear-view mirror, and a letter addressed to your mother explaining why you still aren’t married yet.

(via geekologie)

Things That Suck: Weekly World News Is Over.
Tuesday July 24th 2007, 11:06 am
Filed under: eulogies,media,news,things that suck

 There’s always been a place in my heart for Weekly World News. When it came to those less-reported stories, there just wasn’t anywhere else to turn. Who broke Bat Boy? When space aliens met with Clinton, who had the gall to report on it? Forget the hip and would-be “radical” rags you find in the anarchist bookstores. For the real scoop, you needed to look no farther than your local grocery checkout line.

But now those days are over. Gone are the days of Bat Boy, Elvis sightings and the world’s fattest baby. When Osama Bin Laden is found – in one of George Bush’s myriad secret homosexual love dens – who is going to report it? Who is going to publish Ed Anger‘s latest screeds? NYT? WaPo? I think not, my friends. The Weekly World News is over, and you know what? That really sucks.

Well… kinda. I guess I haven’t actually bought one in like six years.

The Future Of Gaming.
Thursday July 19th 2007, 10:22 am
Filed under: bizarre,internet crap,video games

Video game developers: take notes on Rose & Camellia. Your industry needs to realize that you don’t need fancy graphics or a huge development budget to make a great game. You don’t need fantastical creatures with highly detailed 3D models and textures, or realistically rendered explosions, or even an immersive storyline to make a great game. You don’t need rocket launchers or magical powers or addictive multiplayer modes. Apparently, all you really need to make a great game is have two chicks slapping the living crap out of each other. I had no idea.

(via geekologie)

He Just Can’t Help Himself.
Tuesday July 17th 2007, 12:14 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,internet crap,products

Direct Source Inc has a warehouse chock-full of random crap, and guess what? They want to sell it to you! Do you need a Portable Cap Closet? Maybe a pair of Potato Peeling Gloves? Two different outfits for your dog? Good news: Direct Source Inc has it all, plus more! Be sure to click the pictures for the full views. For example:

Brain asploded.

(via adamriff)

Video Roundup.
Monday July 16th 2007, 12:12 pm
Filed under: videos

Golden Eagle Vs. Deer
nature is awesome sometimes.

Deer Attacks A Hunter
did i mention the fact that nature is awesome sometimes?

Hulkster In Heaven Tribute
we will never forget.

Will It Blend? (iPhone)
spoiler alert: it will.

Larry & Althea Flynt Political Ad
that may be the single greatest t-shirt of all time.

I Keep Forgettin’
this guy didn’t buy a webcam NOT TO USE IT, you know?

KFC Commercial From 1971
is that simon & garfunkel?

Bill Plympton – (1987) Your Face
i think this was on liquid television once. it rules.

BET PSA – Read A Book
you can’t say that doesn’t get its message across.

Internal Monologue: Michael Hutchence On November 22, 1997.
Monday July 16th 2007, 11:50 am
Filed under: internal monologues,music

Maybe I should order room service. But what do I want to eat? Nothing really sounds that good… maybe a burger? They always bring it up with one of those tiny glass bottles of ketchup. I love that. Maybe a chicken sandwich? Those come with the little glass ketchup bottle, too. Maybe I’ll just order one of those. Hmm. I guess it just comes down to chicken versus beef. Fuck. You know what? I’m barely hungry, anyway. What’s wrong with you, Hutchence? You want to order room service, what – because you’re bored? If you’re so bored, how about you pull out that guitar and start writing some songs? Isn’t that what you’re doing here, holed up in this hotel? Aren’t you supposed to be writing some songs? Maybe I should write one about ordering room service. Yeah, great idea Hutchence. Just great. That must be why INXS is doing so well right now – because of great ideas like that. Sigh… I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. INXS had a pretty good run. So we’ve hit a rough patch. Big deal! We’ve had a bunch of hits, I’ve been in some movies… we’ve made our mark, I guess. If I were to die today in some sort of freak accident, at least I know that I’d be remembered as the creative genius behind INXS. No doubt. It’s not like I’d be remembered just for the bizarre nature of my own death or anything. That much I can say for sure. Maybe something good is on the tube. Hmm… nothing good on. Big surprise. Oh well. Still got some time to kill. Hmm. Maybe I’ll go engage in some good ol’ autoerotic asphyxiation.