This Just In (Like 70 Years Ago): John Dillinger Didn’t Have A Huge Wang But A Bunch Of People Thought He Did.
Thursday May 31st 2007, 12:34 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,chicago,media,old timey stuff

In our increasingly media-savvy (not to mention human anatomy-savvy) culture, could this mistake ever be repeated again? When we catch Osama Bin Laden (yeah right) and autopsy photos inevitably get leaked, is there any chance that a rigor mortis-stiffened arm could possibly be mistaken for a 2-foot-long wang? Did anyone watching the videos of Saddam Hussein being hung think it was a double entendre? I think not, but I would love to be proven wrong on this one.

Click the image for the full story if you haven’t already. Oh, and if anyone has a clip of the Wonder Years episode where Kevin Arnold and his friends apparently talk about John Dillinger’s legendary penis, please let me know.

(thanks Joel!)

Ten Things Zombies Might Want To Try Eating Other Than Human Brains.
Thursday May 31st 2007, 11:56 am
Filed under: lists

– chinese food
– ice cream
– a sandwich
– creme brulee
– cow brains (“cabeza”)
– spaghetti
– sashimi
– lunchables
– yogurt & granola
– The Corner Bakery’s “Corner Combo”

Comments On Last Night’s Orgy.
Tuesday May 29th 2007, 12:05 pm
Filed under: jokes,letters,sex

From: Hank Harris

To: Orgy Mailing List

Subject: Comments on last night’s orgy, upcoming potluck

Hello everyone! Chuck set up this handy e-mail list for getting in touch with everyone – let me know if anyone’s been left out so we can toss them on.

Great orgy last night, guys. Really – give yourselves a pat on the back. Everyone looked great out there, grunting like pigs in heat on my couches, ottomans, and floor, but the night was also slightly marred by a handful of minor orgy no-nos that I’d like to bring to everyone’s attention. We’re not trying to embarrass anyone here, but by shining a light on these indiscretions we can hopefully avoid such incidents in the future, which, as you can imagine, will result in a smoother and more enjoyable orgy for everyone. And who doesn’t want that, right?

First of all, when we agree on a time, it’s really important that everyone try to be as punctual as possible. Again, we’re not pointing any fingers here, but when most of the group is already partially nude and engaged in some light oral or manual stimulation, the sound of the doorbell buzzer can be downright unnerving. Latecomers will be admitted, but please try your hardest to make it on time. If tardiness cannot be avoided, I would encourage you to disrobe and try to slip into the mix subtly, rather than announcing your entrance with lewd phrases like “Who’s ready to get nastay?” or “The fuckmaster has arrived!” The former is irrelevant (everyone is already getting “nastay” – you’re the one who’s late, remember?) and the latter is simply uncomely.

Assuming you’ve arrived on time (and again: please try your best to be punctual!), you will soon find yourself in a pile of writhing flesh. Good for you! This is what you came here for, isn’t it? It’s time to get out there and show everyone what you’ve got, but although it may look like an anarchic sea of hedonistic impulses, there are some general rules of propriety that we like to advise all of our guests to follow. For starters, while we’re sure that you are quite adept at the physical act of intercourse, yelling things like “Check out my style!” to nobody in particular is probably not the best way to get people to notice. A bit of braggadocio is welcome, even encouraged, but yelling “booyah” or licking your finger and making sizzling sounds while touching your own backside is not on our list of acceptable ways of expressing it.

Also, air-thrusting before the party starts, while waiting in line for the bathroom, or while walking to your car at the end of the night is not necessary. This should be obvious.

One last note regarding climaxing: while we encourage everyone involved to express themselves, making explosion sounds or yelling “whammo” while climaxing is completely unacceptable. Natural guttural sounds can get the point across just fine without souring the experience for those around you.

Again, I’d like to thank everyone for coming out last night and stress that a great time was, for the most part, had by all. Next Sunday is our annual June potluck – feel free to RSVP by responding to this email! Hope to see you all there!

Hank “The Shank” Harris, Orgymaster

So… How About That John Walsh, Huh?
Monday May 28th 2007, 3:13 pm
Filed under: internet crap,stupidity

Last week I posted something about how John Walsh’s son was abducted from a Sears and how, you know, hey, maybe that was what inspired him to start America’s Most Wanted. Apparently that is exactly what happened and everyone in the entire world knew that except me. So hey – sorry for not knowing everything in the entire world about John Walsh, okay?

The Most Boring Website Of All Time.
Monday May 28th 2007, 3:03 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,internet crap,stupidity

Some dude has a website about unusual screws.

Stop the internet, I wanna get off.

(via bb)

How I Would Attempt To Cure Infectious Diseases If The Entire History Of Medicine Were Somehow Forgotten And People Started Asking Me To Treat Their Maladies For Some Reason.
Thursday May 24th 2007, 1:41 pm
Filed under: jokes,stupidity

PATIENT NAME: Stewart Maleson
SYMPTOMS: Coughing, sneezing, some sort of clear liquid leaking out of the two little holes in the middle of patient’s face.
DIAGNOSIS: Curse from neighbor
PRESCRIPTION: Stuff mouth with dirt, leaves, and shredded newspapers. Cover mouth with duct tape. Sacrifice goat and/or drown neighbors to lift curse.

PATIENT NAME: Renee (no last name)
SYMPTOMS: Red stuff coming out of every square inch of her entire body.
PRESCRIPTION: Strip patient, wrap in Bounty “Super Duty” shop towels, crush head with large rock.

SYMPTOMS: Throbbing pain, pressure in thing on top of neck.
DIAGNOSIS: Demons inside
PRESCRIPTION: Bore hole in thing on top of neck, suspend upside-down, treat with smoke from burning cedar. Pack with dirt.

PATIENT NAME: Bernie Lomax
SYMPTOMS: Completely unresponsive, stiffness in limbs.
PRESCRIPTION: A pair of sunglasses and a summer of wacky hijinks with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

PATIENT NAME: Cecilia Barlow
SYMPTOMS: Pains in middle area of body, hot chunky liquid shooting out of main hole in face.
DIAGNOSIS: Don’t know
PRESCRIPTION: Poke with stick, take notes. Congrats – you just started modern medicine.

YouTube Users Are Stupid.
Wednesday May 23rd 2007, 3:26 pm
Filed under: stupidity,videos

This video is kind of funny, but watching people argue in the comments over whether or not it was actually made in 1923 is priceless.

An Interview With Ray St. Ray: The Singing Cab Driver.
Tuesday May 22nd 2007, 11:46 am
Filed under: interviews

Up on JargonChicago.com today. Check it out.

Don’t Ask Why I Was Reading The Wikipedia Entry For Sears, Roebuck and Company…
Tuesday May 22nd 2007, 12:37 am
Filed under: brain exploders,facts,tv

but John Walsh‘s son was abducted from a Sears in Florida in 1981 and was subsequently murdered. I wonder if that inspired him to host America’s Most Wanted.

Video Roundup.
Friday May 18th 2007, 11:32 am
Filed under: internet crap,videos

Best Scenes From “The Wicker Man”
great – now i have to rent this piece of shit.

Big-Boobed Einstein
i love michael kupperman.

Baby vs. Cobra
the cobra’s mouth is sewn shut. my friend brian thinks that makes this “boring.”

Hackley School Smells Like Teen Spirit
she is really serious about this band. her drummer and guitarist are scared shitless of her.

Double Dribble Penetration
i’m a sucker for pretty much any news slip-up.

Pretty Ricky – Late Night Special
i don’t know why these guys are humping that ottoman, but i do know that they’re doing a damn good job of it.

Family Guy Street Fighter
this dude needs a job.

The ABC’s of Sex Education for Trainables
it’s long, but it may actually be the best thing on the internet.

Gwar on Joan Rivers
basically the best thing ever… or maybe just in the last 2 weeks.

Guy Catches Glasses With Face
why are there so many videos like this on the internet lately? who the hell are these guys doing shit like this?

The Killer Tortoise
this is adorable.

Full Metal Jacket for Wii
i would play this game.