Shut Up, Internet.
Thakelt10 missed the point pretty spectacularly in his 1-star review of the Criterion Collection DVD release of Fishing With John. For the uninitiated, here’s the wikipedia entry for it. This clip of Tom Waits putting a fish down his pants pretty much sums it up, too. Here’s Amazon.com user Thakelt10’s brilliant advice on the subject:
Perhaps even more astounding are the 3 out of 9 people who found his review helpful.
The internet is chock full of gems like these. Everyone has a voice on the internet if they want one, and as such anyone can feel free to opine on almost astonishingly ridiculous crap (case in point here). Wanna know know the real deal about Brawny paper towels? No problem. Can’t decide if that 9 dollar plunger is the right one for you? Some guy named “Eduardo Nietzsche” from Houston has you covered. Trim the fat off of Amazon and you get Yelp.com, whose motto, “Real People. Real Reviews,” makes it fertile ground for unintentional hilarity. Take, for instance, this review of a gas station in Glenview, Illinois. Let me repeat that: it’s a review of a gas station.
User-generated content is great and all, but maybe we can draw the line at reviews of gas stations and plungers. I don’t need advice when it comes to gas stations and plungers. If I need gas, I’ll find a gas station. I don’t care if it’s not “one of the better gas stations in the area.” If I need a plunger, I’ll buy one. If I somehow manage to break it (which I’ve never done before), I’ll buy a new one. It’s a plunger. I understand that you have things to say about the products you purchase and the gas stations you feel passionate about, but enough is enough.
Shut up, internet.
Oh, The Humanity… In 3D!
See, this is what I love about the internet. You’re just sitting there, minding your own business, and then someone says “check this out.” Next thing you know you’re looking through a gallery of stereoscopic images of zeppelin crashes. Personal favorite here.
Ghost Ride The Prius.
Some friends and I were discussing hyphy the other day at a bbq. The discussion was mostly based around a simple question: What the hell is it? I think by the end of the conversation we had decided that a song becomes hyphy whenever the rapper says the word “hyphy,” except in Mims’ “This Is Why I’m Hot” where he mentions hyphy, but only to point out that he’s capable of performing in a “hyphy” style. Which is all to say that none of us have any idea what exactly hyphy is.
Luckily, some guy named Ken Tucker does!
According to Ken Tucker, a music critic for NPR’s Fresh Air, Hyphy is…
– “an abstract-expressionist version of hip hop.”
– “A kind of movie soundtrack for an urban party scene.”
– “airy absurdism.”
– “A party that doesn’t stop… with each guest trying to wear the biggest, loudest lampshade on his or her head.”
– “genially rambunctious.”
Thanks, Ken Tucker! Where were you when we were grillin’ out?!
Being Married To The Sea Just Got That Much Easier.
With pirate attacks down by nearly a third, there’s never been a better time to sail in international waters with a huge sack of diamonds. This raises more questions than it answers, though. Here’s a breakdown:
QUESTIONS IT ANSWERS
1. Are pirate attacks up or down since last year?
QUESTIONS IT RAISES
1. Pirates? Really?!
2. That is so fucking cool. Did you seriously say pirates?!
3. Who are these people issuing reports with statistical data on real life pirates?
4. How can I work for them?
5. Pirates! (not really a question, but still.)
What Mike Sullivan Has.
In addition to totally shredding in Russian Circles, Mike Sullivan also has this just sitting in his bedroom like it’s not a big deal at all.
Friday April 20th 2007, 8:25 am
Filed under: videos
easily one of the best videos i have ever seen on the internet.
Cat Me If You Can
it’s getting to be almost too much with this cat stuff. almost.
Lost In Space (1967) – The Promised Planet – Will & Penny
so that’s what the 60s were like…
Bad Smell In The Toilet
kill bad smell poop devil with lighter. give you happy feeling!
Pool Meets Dominoes
hey look – an absolutely insane trick pool shot. it’s really impressive, but i dare you not to get kinda bored by the 3rd pool table.
Bill O’Reilly Loses His Mind
this is the first time i’ve ever cheered for geraldo in my entire life.
Fire Extinguisher Man
i guess this guy heard about how people on the internet are really into watching stunts.
A Eulogy For The Roach That I Killed In My (Apparently) Roach-Infested One-Bedroom Apartment Last Night, Who, In All Likelihood, Has Actually Lived There Longer Than I Have.
Sorry I smashed everything under your exoskeleton into mush. I turned on the lights in the bathroom and you came running out. You know – that cool, moist room with all the smooth surfaces to walk around on? I know this is going to be hard for you to understand, but that’s actually the room that I BATHE in. It’s this thing that most people of my species do when we feel gross. We run water all over ourselves and do all this other stuff that would probably be way over your head. You know what? Forget it.
Anyway, you came running out of that room and went into my bedroom. Right when I was turning on the light, too! I wasn’t expecting that, you little dickens!
If you don’t get showers, you’re not going to understand bedrooms. I’m not even going to waste my time on that. You also probably don’t understand lights, either, save for that weird primordial brain switch that makes you run whenever you see it. Whatever – none of this even matters anyway because you’re dead. I smashed the crap out of you with a shoe. Do you understand the concept of shoes? I bet you do now.
I know you’ve probably lived in this apartment longer than I have. That makes me feel kind of bad for murdering you in what you probably considered your own home. For that I’m sorry, but let’s face it – I pay way more rent than you do. Are you familiar with rent? It’s the stuff I pay way too much of to have to share an apartment with you.
It fills my heart with stress and mild-to-moderate disgust to think that you died as you probably lived – hiding underneath my night stand. You were really big, and you had really long antennae, and I really hope that I never see any of your friends in my apartment for the duration of my lease, which will almost certainly not be renewed.
Rest in pieces, motherfucker.
What’s She Doing?!
I was driving home from work yesterday and went past this woman… doing something. She was dressed kind of like a hippie and she was standing next to a car covered in Hebrew bumper stickers. The Hebrew bumper stickers made me think that maybe she was Hasidic or something, but can Hasidic women dress like hippies? I don’t get it.