Video Roundup.
Wednesday February 28th 2007, 11:44 am
Filed under: internet crap,videos

Kung Fu Baby
this is what the internet was made for.

Gospel Mime
just another mime spreading the word of god the only way she can – through mimery.

Paperboy – Ditty (Alternate Video)
i wonder why they didn’t use this one? weird.

The World’s Most Giant Killer Spider!!
kill it! ack!

Gong Show – Strange Act From 1976
can someone please tell me why this show ever got pulled off the air?

100 vs 1
this would be terrifying.

Oldboy “Eating Live Octopus” – Behind The Scenes
i don’t really have anything to say about this one.

Penn And Teller Get Hippies To Sign Petition Banning Water
hippies are stupid. zing!

Judge Judy 2-6-07
soooo pissed.

Hoopin’ Radium.
Tuesday February 27th 2007, 5:24 pm
Filed under: advertising,bizarre,brain exploders,internet crap

It’s the best way to take it, man. If you swallow it you lose too much of it in your digestive system. If you hoop it, it goes straight into your bloodstream, dude. Yeeeeeahhhhh.

(via vintage ads – more radium-related insanity here)

Real Amazon Reviews For Real 69 Boyz Albums.
Tuesday February 27th 2007, 12:57 pm
Filed under: internet crap,jokes,music,stupidity,things that suck

You might remember 69 Boyz from such hits as “Let Me Ride That Donkey,” “Tootsie Roll,” and, to a lesser extent, “Kitty Kitty.” They had names like Barry “Fast” Wright” and Rottweiler Mike Mike. They had b-sides with names like “U Need Dick N Your Life,” “Heiny Heiny” and “Woof Woof.” They managed to put out a handful of albums and singles over the years (including a “greatest hits” cd) – if you’re just starting to get into 69 Boyz, you’re probably a little bit nervous. It’s understandable – with so much potential bass in yo face and so much booty in yo pants (too much, really), the obvious first question is “where to begin?” Luckily there are plenty of amazon.com user reviews to point you in the right direction.

 Album: 199Quad

Review Title: The Godfathers of quad thumping music

Reviewer: Marlena Martin (Killeen, TX)

Rating: 5/5

“I’ve always loved the 69 Boyz, they had some of the hottest music and dopest beats. I can’t name one person who wasn’t doing the tootsie roll. If you want to hear good music, please got the first album. It is so heart pumping that you can’t help but dance to it. I’ll be glad when they come back and reclaim their fame. To this day people are still grooving along to the 69 Boyz in their cars with the same enthusiasm.”

Review Title: Tootsie Roll!!!!!

Reviewer: Trisha And Chris Norton (North Dakota)

Rating: 5/5

“We love this CD so much we were listening to Tootsie Roll (our use to be favorite on this album) :o) while we were driving down dirt roads and when the 69 boyz sang to the Left to the Left, to the right to the right, that is exactly which way we we ended up rolling our vehicle over and over to the right :o) Everyone was okay but our new favorite on the CD is KITTY KITTY.”

 Album: The Wait Is Over

Review Title: Hot Bass

Reviewer: J. Patterson (Milwaukee, WI)

Rating: 3.5/5

“I origally got this cd for the song woof woof and I saw them in concert and they tore it up. They took their music to a different level on this one and have many different styles on this cd.some some dont song like bass music at all. Im not a big bass fan music but they still have some good song on here. I like #5,10,23(ft. jt money), 26 is one that I love. Too bad bass music went out and they faded away. Check this cd out.”

 Album: 2069

Review Title: 69 Boyz are Slammin!

Reviewer: “A music fan”

Rating: 5/5

“i bought this cd the very day it came out! i really like this cd. this cd is a very good dance and party cd, with very good beats! i dont have alot to say about it, but the hit single “how we roll” is HOT! i would recamend this cd to anybody!”

Review Title: 69 Boyz are Slammin!

Reviewer: simpyboy (Albany, NY)

Rating: 5/5

“this joint is hott. the beat is good for any party the lyrics and the bass make this a great cd. the 69 boyz are representing the dirty south j-ville and orlando! i would think about this cd before any other.”

 Album: Greatest Hits*

Review Title: bangin tight cd

Reviewer: “A music fan”

Rating: 5/5

“bangin tight cd to get jiggy with it and down and dancing to the music too.”

* I would just like to point out that this album was released on September 11, 2001. Coincidence?

(special thanks to jo for pointing out that 69 Boyz exist)

Robot Ride For Sale (But Please Do Not Ride It).
Monday February 26th 2007, 3:25 pm
Filed under: internet crap,technology,things that rule,toys,videos

A few weeks ago I posted a link to a video of a guy riding a robot. Maybe you saw it and thought to yourself, “That’s how I want to die.” Well today is your lucky day, my friend – the cleverly titled “ROBOT INDUSTRIAL FANUC S420iW” is up for auction on eBay, albeit with the somewhat-perplexing subtitle “ROBOT RIDE – DO NOT DO THIS!!” From the auction:

“This auction is for a used 1997 FANUC S420iW Industrial robot with RJ-2 Controls in a remote “B” cabinet. This robot has a capacity rating of 346 pounds and was at one time used in a Nissan Motor Plant. It is NOT intended to be a “RIDE” and I do not reccomend [sic] doing so. Fanuc also does NOT support the use of this machine as a “JOY RIDE”. Using this robot in such a manner can be hazardous to your health!!! … Videos of a machine “EXACTLY LIKE THIS ONE” in operation are available ALL OVER THE INTERNET!! Google the words “ROBOT RIDE” and find footage of a robot “EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE I HAVE FOR SALE”!”

Make up your minds, science-jerks!

(link – via bb)

New Article Up On Cracked.com
Monday February 26th 2007, 10:58 am
Filed under: internet crap,stupidity,tv,videos,writing

Calling it an “article” might be pushing it, but “The 7 Most Insane Moments from Cable Access TV” is up on Cracked.com today. Check it out.


I Reiterate: Best Newspaper Ever.
Saturday February 24th 2007, 4:53 pm
Filed under: internet crap

Here are some more scans from the best newspaper on the face of the Earth, the Evening Whirl (previously). First and last pics link to bigger full-size pics. Bitchin’.


Now It’s Pronounced “Eye-Gor.”
Friday February 23rd 2007, 1:35 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,movies,toys

Last night Jo bought two toys out of a vending machine while we were leaving the worst Chinese buffet I’ve ever eaten at. One of them was an alligator with like a surfboard or something, and the other one was even dumber – some weird little red thing with a broom and a bag and a stupid hat on. Now that I’ve looked at it for a little while, I guess maybe it’s a witch or something. I was about to throw it across the parking lot (because that’s what you do with stupid toys when you can’t figure out what they are) when it hit me: the thing looks exactly like Marty Feldman.


Evening Whirl: The Greatest Newspaper Of All Time.
Thursday February 22nd 2007, 11:28 am
Filed under: brain exploders,news

The Evening Whirl has been circulating in St. Louis since 1938, which means that I missed about 70 years of the best shit ever. That bums me out, but the fact that it still exists makes me really happy, so I guess I come out pretty much even. Theres something to be said for a newspaper that refers to a rape as a “pussy plundering” and a rape victim as a “boned victim.” There’s something to be said, but I’m not totally sure what it is yet. Maybe just “wow.” Click the picture above for a bigger version.

Only In Colombia.
Wednesday February 21st 2007, 2:47 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,news

Some dude killed 2 clowns.

Buy My Hair (Redux)
Wednesday February 21st 2007, 12:10 am
Filed under: internet crap,jokes,stupidity

 Following last Friday’s ridiculous Britney Spears meltdown (and her subsequent rehab check-in), eBay has been blowing up with listings of people claiming to have locks (even just a few strands) of Britney’s hair for sale. The stories some of these people are telling to explain how they came to possess such an important, maybe even priceless bit of pop culture history seem a little far-fetched to me, even impossible in some cases. Regardless, some of the auctions prices are skyrocketing by the hour (and then being promptly removed by eBay – in the course of writing this, the auction I was going to use for the “skyrocketing by the hour” link has already been pulled down, which means the rest of the links I’ve already managed to cram in here are probably all gone already, too). It’s kind of unfair: not all of us can afford to spend our hard-earned cash to acquire hair that may or may not have actually once been attached to a celebrity. That’s why I’ve decided to selflessly martyr myself, to throw myself onto the sacrificial altar.

I am selling my hair on eBay.

(edit: Apparently, I’m not actually selling my hair on eBay. I posted this earlier in the week, but within a few hours eBay pulled the auction for “keyword spamming” – apparently when you put an auction up on eBay you’re not allowed to describe what the item ISN’T. For example, if you are selling the hair clippings from your next haircut you can’t describe it as “Humor Blogger’s Hair Clippings (Not Britney Spears) NR.” That will get your auction pulled. When I saw the auction had been taken down I deleted this post since, you know, that was kind of the whole point. Luckily, Google managed to cache the auction within those few short hours that it was actually up, so for posterity’s sake I’d like to link to it again. Because this is important. Really, really important.)