The Sexiest (And Most Sold-Out) Halloween Costumes Of 2006.
Tuesday October 31st 2006, 11:53 am
Filed under: lists,stupidity

 Bad news, ladies: The following costumes at halloweenmart.com are sold out:

Sexy Pirate Wench

Sexy Bee

Sexy Firefighter

Sexy Gangster Moll (note: with an alternate meaning of the word “moll” the name of this costume could technically be “Sexy Gangster Prostitute,” which totally fucking rules.)

Sexy Delegate

It’s true: The demand for Sexy Delegate costumes was greater than halloweenmart.com’s supply of them this year, but don’t worry! There are still plenty of totally sexy costumes available on the market! Consider one of the following:

– Sexy Notary Public

– Sexy Homeless Person

– Sexy Wilford Brimley

– Sexy Foreign Exchange Student With Little Or No Understanding Of American Halloween Customs

– Sexy Teenager With Low Self Esteem

– Sexy Holocaust Survivor

– Sexy Girl With Basically Nothing Else Going For Her Except For Her Sexiness

– Sexy Tuba Player

– Sexy Burn Victim

– Sexy Girl At The Halloween Party Who Looks Like She’d Be Really Easy To Bone

An Interview With An Actual, Real Life Wizard (Who Made Ten Unicorns).
Monday October 30th 2006, 12:53 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,interviews,unicorns

 Back in the 1980s, the Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus boasted a “real life” Unicorn on its list of attractions. The “Unicorn” was actually a goat named Lancelot, but fuck it—it only had one horn, or it looked that way at least, so it was close enough for most of the paying public. The guy who… well.. MADE Lancelot, I guess, is a guy named Oberon Zell-Ravenheart (no joke), founder of the Church of All Worlds. He and his wife, Morning Glory, made ten Unicorns in the 1980s in an attempt to save the world. This is all totally for real. Seriously.

Hypocritical Ross: So where did you get the idea to create Lancelot and start the Living Unicorn Project?

Oberon Zell-Ravenheart: Well, it started off around 1975 when [my wife] Morning Glory and I got this idea to write a book on the true stories and foundations behind mythical creatures. In the process of our research over the next few years, we came upon the long-lost secret of the Unicorn—that these were actual living animals that had been produced by closely-guarded secret means that were lost and rediscovered several times throughout history. And we learned how it had been done. At that point, we said, “We could do this!” So we gave up on the book, moved to a hippie homesteading community in the mountains of NorCalifia, and began the several-year project of breeding and raising living Unicorns. Lancelot was the first, born on Spring Equinox of 1980. In all, we produced ten of them over the next six years. We named most of them after Knights of the Round Table. Some we kept as our own pets, and others we boarded out. For several years (1980-’84), we toured every Renaissance Faire in North America, and were interviewed and written up in countless newspapers, magazines, radio & TV shows, and even a few books—including the Encyclopedia Britannica. Four of them we leased to Ringling Bros.Barnum & Bailey Circus for a 4-year exhibition tour, where they were the star attraction of the Greatest Show on Earth (1985-’89). The very last one died just over a year ago, at the age of 17.


Shriners: Wearing Fezes, Kneeling Next To Handicapped Children.
Friday October 27th 2006, 12:38 pm
Filed under: failure

This billboard used to be up a few blocks away from my apartment. It’s gone now, but I will now immortalize it through the amazing (and permanent – no, seriously) power of the internet.

Shriners: Having Fun & Helping Kids. That’s Shriners – a.k.a. the Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine. Having Fun & Helping Kids.


Oh, wait. According to this page the Shriners own a network of 22 hospitals that offer free care for children. Also, the third sentence in the Wikipedia entry for Shriners is this: “Established in New York City in the 1870s, the Shriners are best known for having fun.”

Wow. This post was a complete failure, but I still think it’s kind of a funny billboard. Even if it’s, you know… completely 100% true.

Dave Was There.
Friday October 27th 2006, 9:27 am
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,photoshop fun

I found this jpg on a backup CD I was digging through. And just think: It could have been lost forever! Thank God I backed it up!

The Dumbest Invention Of All Time.
Thursday October 26th 2006, 3:21 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,internet crap,lists,stupidity

Ten Other Products That People Interested In Hammacher Schlemmer’s New Computerless E-Mail Printer May Want To Consider Purchasing:

– A Receiverless Telephone

– A Bladeless Knife

– A Wireless Wire

– A Memory Foam Hammer

– An Ink-Drenched Towel

– A Single-Cube Ice Tray

– A “God Bless This Mess” Wall Hanging From Some Shitty Antique Store In Door County, Wisconsin

– A Windex Bottle Full Of Blood

– A Computer

Video Roundup.
Friday October 20th 2006, 9:58 am
Filed under: internet crap,videos

Let’s Paint, Exercise and Eat Pie Live #1
the best public access show just got even bester. how? they added pie. more available here.

i don’t know what this is from but it cracks me up anyway.

Monster Mash: Bobby Brown & Mike Tyson
brain asploded.

1960s Commercial – Low Calorie Canned Fruit
this video rules for 2 or possibly even 3 reasons. can you spot them?

The Last Unicorn
holy fucking shit.

EZ Catch Chicken Harvester
hey, look! chickens! ha ha ha! yay! hey… wait! chickens! where are you going? oh, yeah. to die.

An Indian Take On Thriller
sometimes i wish i could dance. like right now, for example.

Turtle Rape
isn’t nature beautiful?

Russian Hooligan Fight
you are a pussy. your friends? pussies. these guys? not so much.

Arnold Fights A Bear
damn right he does.

Little Superstar
if you haven’t seen this by now you suck at the internet. seriously.

Yet Another Reason To Hate L.A.
Friday October 20th 2006, 9:34 am
Filed under: advertising,stupidity,things that suck

I wonder what Kevin G. Boyd was doing when he came up with the idea for Bling H20. I bet he was sitting on a black leather couch, taking a sip of Fiji water. He probably put it down on his glass coffee table, looked at the bottle and thought to himself, “You know what? I bet I can trick morons into paying way more money for this shit than $3.” Thus spoke a Hollywood writer-producer, and thus Bling H20 was born. It’s $25 – $40 a bottle. The bottle is filled with water. Read their ad copy and brace yourself for another terrorist attack:

“Bling H2O is the inspiration of Kevin G. Boyd, Hollywood writer-producer. While working on various studio lots where image is of the utmost importance he noticed that you could tell a lot about a person by the bottled water they carried. In Hollywood it seemed as if people flaunted their bottled water like it was part of their presentation. Whether the bottles had a cool shape or came from an exotic island, none truly made that defining statement. Bling H2O was fashioned to make that defining statement. The mission was to offer a product with an exquisite face to match exquisite taste. The product is strategically positioned to target the expanding super-luxury consumer market. Initially introduced to hand-selected athletes and actors, Bling H2O is now excitedly expanding it’s availability. Bling H2O has been featured at many recent celebrity events including the MTV Video Music Awards and television’s biggest event, The Emmys. Bling H20 is pop-culture in a bottle. But it’s not for everyone, just those that Bling. So the question is: Do You Bling?

Wasn’t that whole fucking city supposed to have fallen into the ocean already?

(via geekologie)

Cracked Week Continues.
Thursday October 19th 2006, 12:38 am
Filed under: internet crap,jokes,things that rule

“Jokes: The Rough Cuts” is up today on Cracked.com.  From now on I shall be known as “Ross Wolinsky, Humorist.”  You know… instead of “that short jew.”

Okay, Let’s Try This Again.
Wednesday October 18th 2006, 1:32 pm
Filed under: media,things that rule,writing

My quiz “What’s Attacking You?” is in the new issue of Cracked. This time I’m for real. It’s got Mel Gibson on the cover and Maddox is on the page facing mine and it looks fucking awesome. Go buy it. They’ve got it at Borders and Barnes & Noble. Pwnage.

Things That Suck: That Def Poetry Jam Voice.
Tuesday October 17th 2006, 2:51 pm
Filed under: things that suck

This… is the voice. The voice that I use. To speak? With? Out of my mouth… comes… these… words? These… Words. These words which I use to bring about a verbalistic… revolution? The revolution that will… be… televised? If a revolution is televised in the streets, does it make… a… sound? One hand clapping? Try a million hands… shackled! Chained! Chained to their own… apathy? Apathetic? Diuretic? Verbalistically pathetic as we kneel to worship false idols like the shiny… almighty… dollar. Shiny like a blinged out ride… shiny like “ice.” Shiny like the cold gleam of a pistol in the moonlight as a brother robs another brother of… his… wealth. Wealth! But not the kind that makes one wealthy! Not the kind that makes one healthy! Wealthy? Healthy? Try “broke.” “Smoke.” “Weed?” “Cheeba?” “Reba.” “McEntire.” “… is a Grammy Award-winning singer and one of the best-selling country music performers of all time.” Quoth the wikipedia… nevermore… never bore… never TIRE? Of these liars? Tryin’ to tell me hip hop is dead… my words are FIRE! They INSPIRE! Even though I end? Each sentence? Like it’s a question even though the vast majority of them are actually STATEMENTS? STATEMENT: When I talk this way it makes me sound more intelligent? Even though the vast majority… of the time… I’m not actually saying much of ANYTHING? Much of anything… too much of everything? That’s the problem with America? Sometimes… I like to eat pizza? But other times… I’m in the mood… for some other kind of food? Like possibly hamburgers? Or maybe a Subway sandwich? Sandwich? Rich bitch? Don’t call… women… bitches… or… whatever? I don’t know much but I know I love you… and that may be… all I need… to know? I don’t know much… but I know… this Def… Poetry… Voice… SUCKS?

Thank you, thank you.