Ancient Chinese Secret.
Saturday September 30th 2006, 1:25 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,fortune cookies

What’s always behind an able man? A Radio Flyer full of empty whiskey bottles? A trail of blood? Maybe it’s just a sturdy wall for him to lean against. This fortune cookie raised more questions than it answered, really. Anyone have any ideas?

P.S. Worst. Chinese lesson. Ever.

True Suburban Tales.
Friday September 29th 2006, 12:50 pm
Filed under: news

A dozen people? Left waiting at the post office?! What is the world coming to?

No, seriously. I want to know. Tell me.

Things That Suck: The Suburbs.
Thursday September 28th 2006, 8:50 pm
Filed under: internet crap,things that suck

Duuuuuuuuuuuude… they want us to, like, fall in line, you know? They want us to brush our teeth and comb our hair and fall in line, man, be good little boys and girls and grow up and work 9 to 5 and then go home and watch our TVs until we fall asleep, man. They want to keep us brainwashed so we pay our taxes and don’t stir up too much trouble. Then we can breed and make more little boys and girls who can grow up to pay their taxes and the whole thing goes, like, around and around, you know? 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, man. Pot roast on Saturday and church on Sunday, man. That might work for some people, but not for me, man. You can have your bourgeois mediocrity, your gated community and your SUV. You’re living with blinders on, man. You’re already fucking dead, man, but not me. Know why?

Because I listen to Nine Inch fucking Nails.

You know what’s funny about being 15 and being a fucking moron? You didn’t know shit about shit, and yet you were still somehow totally spot on about the suburbs. I started a new job in the suburbs this week, and realized that even now, a decade later, the suburbs make me an angsty little butthole. Instead of being pissed off about having a curfew, I’m pissed off about battling rush hour traffic. Instead of sneering at teachers, I sneer at soccer moms who treat the Starbucks baristas like cat shit. The 15 year old in you might not know much, but you know what? After paying 9 bucks for a shitty bagel sandwich and eating it in my car in a strip mall parking lot, I think he was right all along.

The suburbs fucking suck. Anarchy, bro.

A Lazy Video Post.
Thursday September 14th 2006, 8:20 am
Filed under: internet crap,videos

Screw you guys.  I’m on vacation.

The second one is a TV pirating incident from 1987.

[gv data=”xSGJKYuLkNk”][/gv]

[gv data=”HPybv_pzK_s”][/gv]

I’m In New York, So Buy My Crap.
Thursday September 07th 2006, 12:26 pm
Filed under: advertising,things that rule,zines

In case you didn’t figure it out from the last post, I’m in New York (You know – with all the Chineemen). I’ll be here for another week and a half, and although I may post an occasional update or two, things will probably be pretty dead around here for the most part.
Suck it. I’m on vacation.

If you’re really hard up for new stuff to read, hey! I’ve got an idea! Head over to Quimby’s and buy my new zine! It’s got a lot of stuff you’ve already read on here, plus a few other things! The best part? Instead of reading it for free, you have to pay two bucks!

Do it now! Right now!

Why I Love New York.
Wednesday September 06th 2006, 11:16 am
Filed under: things that rule

Cuz Chinee talky funny in “Chineetown.”