Filed under: videos
I’m tired today. Here: watch some assholes from public access.
Filed under: things that rule
Statistically, there is a very slim chance that at some point today I will be kidnapped by a bunch of really serious-looking Korean guys. They might pull up alongside me, slide the side door of their white van open and grab me, slamming the doors closed. Then they might blindfold me and drug me and I might come to an hour or two later in some weird warehouse. There is an even slimmer chance, statistically, that they might then force me to run and jump down a Slip N Slide covered in diarrhea. I have no idea why they would do this. Maybe they’d demand ransom money nobody was willing to pay, or ask me for secret documents I didn’t have. You know: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Oh yeah? We’ll see about that…” Or even worse, maybe it would be a Crocodile Mile covered in diarrhea with a pool of barf at the end of it. Maybe they’d make me run, slide, hit the bump and take a dive, and then I’d get up—in tears, no doubt—and I’d be all covered in diarrhea and barf, probably bruised up from all the pistol whipping, but you know what? If it happened today, I’d be wearing clean socks, and that would make it all a little less horrible because clean socks rule.
Filed under: brain exploders,music,things that rule,things that suck,videos
I couldn’t decide how I felt about this video, so I made a detailed inventory of what happens in the video and rated each moment to determine empirically whether or not it totally ruled:
Things That Ruled: 12
Things That Sucked: 7
0:05 – sh-101 shown. (rules)
0:15 – guy in sunglasses rolls by in a shopping cart. (rules)
0:21 – girl shrugs, eats candybar, smiles, winks. (rules)
0:40 – misspelled song title. (rules)
0:47 – closeup of beard guy dancing. (sucks)
0:57 – dude in white scarf & sunglasses plays a drum machine (that isn’t plugged in). (rules)
1:10 – Borat-looking guy jerks around a little. (kinda sucks)
1:30 – chick dancing all stupid. (sucks)
1:41 – more shopping cart shennanigans. (rules)
1:50 – “hey you now, only disco / hey you now, only disco dancing.” (rules)
2:00 – rockin’ the synths in a moving shopping cart. (rules)
2:07 – empty shopping carts crash into each other. what’s the point here? (sucks)
2:09 – Borat-looking guy starts rapping. Brain asploded. (rules)
2:30 – Borat and beard guy have some incomprehensible transcation. I think he buys a candybar from the guy in the store, even though clearly neither of them actually work here. I don’t get it. (sucks)
2:50 – Borat raps again a little. (totally rules)
3:00 – Borat steals something. Pretty cool, I guess. (Rules)
3:10 – ‘Don’t stop, I move your body / I want to dance, in the morning.” We knew that already. (sucks)
3:37 – Beard guy finds a drum machine on the rack at the supermarket. That’s gay. (sucks)
3:55 – Beard guy finds ANOTHER drum machine on another shelf. You’ve gotta admire their tenacity. (rules)
Filed under: videos
Corey Haim On E!
one, uhh… rear… purcherator… and ehhh…
Weird Al Yankovic – Dare To Be Stupid
this song has been stuck in my head for an entire week. shoot me.
Wrong First Answer On Millionaire
that is SERIOUSLY the last stick.
this song actually made me order pancakes a few days ago.
Kitten Falling Asleep
this is so fucking cute i could puke.
LSD Case Study
Classic Double Dare Moment
yeah… a real unforgettable tv moment here. remember where you were when it first aired? it defined a generation. really.
Don’t Fuck With A.C. Slater
hey, look! a dated pop culture reference!
Patches: The Coolest Horse
that horse can sell anything.
Here’s my theory on Gnarls Barkley: somewhere out there, some music critic gave a shining review to this completely unremarkable duo. This, in turn, led other critics to give it similarly shining reviews, because the first critic was a respected tastemaker and was obviously right to give the completely unremarkable duo a shining review. Then people started buying the record and playing it at gatherings (“It’s not a party, man… it’s really more a gathering“) where people would then ask their hosts, “Hey, man… what is this, Jamiroqui?” Their hosts would laugh heartily, then shake their heads. “No, no…it’s Gnarls Barkley! You know… the collaboration between Goodie Mob’s Cee-Lo and hit producer Dangermouse!” Then they all grooved out, or blissed out, or whatever people do at gatherings where they play Gnarls Barkley, and the next day the guy who (understandably) thought it was a new Jamiroqui record ran out and bought the record himself. He played it for his girlfriend who thought it was totally catchy and made him burn it for her. Then she made it her official “shower soundtrack” so it got stuck in all her roommates’ heads, who then in turn played it for their boyfriends. Their boyfriends all thought it was kind of gay but figured maybe they’d get blowjobs if they all bought tickets to the Gnarls Barkley show. So now everyone likes Gnarls Barkley, and yeah, maybe a few dudes got their bones smooched, but c’mon… is it really worth it when a band sucks this bad?
Sometimes I just can’t help myself. Every once in a while I have to let my hair down, and this morning is one of those times. So hey, dorks: turn off TV On The Radio (you know you don’t even really like them anyway), put down the Bukowski (hip lit is a fucking oxymoron) and just chill. Oh – and then listen to a bunch of really shitty video game voiceovers at Audio Atrocities. Through a combination of bad English and selecting programmers and secretaries as voice talent, video game companies have managed to produce some of the most unbelievably awful dialogue I’ve ever heard, and I’ve seen Zardoz, so that says something. Check out Last Alert and Deep Fear and you’ll see what I mean. But be warned: if you laugh at any of this shit, even just a little, you probably won’t score for a long, long time.
“Shit. I knew I shouldn’t have sat in a reserved seat. Now there’s an old lady getting on the bus and I’m totally gonna have to give up my seat, even though I’m used to sitting. I should have just stood the whole time. That wouldn’t have been as bad as having to get up. Ah, well. Here we go. Hup! Ahhh, yeah. Stretch those hammies. Get the blood flowin’. You know somethin, Wolinsky? You’re a good guy. You give up seats for the elderly. That’s noble, buddy. You are really something. That old woman is gonna tear up when she sees that kindness still exists, even in this day and – hey! Is that girl seriously taking my seat? Holy fucking shit! She did! She’s probably even younger than I am! What the fuck?! I’ve been at work all day and she’s been, what? Oooh – Whole Foods bags. Yeah, awww. I’m sorry you’re so worn out from picking out organic kale that you need to sit down… in a RESERVED SEAT. While that OLD WOMAN over there clearly needs… oh. Okay. Some other guy got up for her. At least she’s got a seat now, I guess. Fuck. I should just say something to her. I should say ‘Hey… you know, actually, I got up out of that seat so that old lady could sit down.’ Then she’d say ‘Well it looks like she already found a seat.’ Then I’d be completely speechless because, well, wow. She’s really cute. What is that tattoo, anyway? Is that a band logo? And those sunglasses… wow. They’re so BIG. I should go grab the old woman, drag her out of her seat, bring her back over to mine, tell the hot hipster chick to get up, and then physically force the old woman into my seat. She’d like that. Then the hipster chick would totally swoon cuz I’m so nice and she’d give me her phone number but I’d be like “Sorry, I actually already have a girlfriend” and then she’d dump her tits and I’d be like “Jesus Christ… you don’t have to do that. You should respect yourself,” and everyone would applaud. Ah, shit. Is it really my stop already? Ah well. You know what? My inability to confront hot girls when they’re doing something fucked up kind of sucks, but it’s not nearly as bad as having to stand on the bus.
So you think you like video games? You like to sit down, maybe play a few rounds of Tekken with your bros? Well guess what: you’re a fucking lightweight. Some dude (painfully translated page) decided for some ungodly reason to play Tetris DS for 24 straight hours. He even played it in the bathtub. What would that be like? To hear him tell it, not particularly pleasant. “The finger it is painful, the eye it is painful, the throat it dried.” That’s at like 5 hours in. There is clearly no god in Japan; only small electronics and sleep deprivation. Oh – and vending machines where you can buy soiled panties. You know what? This really isn’t that weird.