The Hypocritical Mass Guide To This Year’s Hottest Fireworks.
With the 4th of July just around the corner, people everywhere are flocking to ramshackle roadside shacks by the state border to stock up on fireworks. But with so many products to choose from, it can be a real trick to get the most bang for your buck! Here’s a quick rundown of this year’s hottest 4th of July products – happy igniting!
A FEW SPARKS, SOME SMOKE, THEN NOTHING
Item #: N-284
Why get caught offguard by your inevitable disappointment this 4th of July when you could fully expect it?! With A Few Sparks, Some Smoke, Then Nothing, say goodbye to unfulfilled incendiary expectations – you won’t have any from the get-go!
OVERPROTECTIVE PARENT PACK
Item #: F-981
Category: Novelties, Smoke & Snakes
You fucking pussy.
WHEER OF STELEOTYPE
Item #: A-172
Lightey fusey, then you make run! 16,000 firework make loud bang, give you happy feeling! You rikey, so you buy! Me karate choppy you! Flied lice! Wax on, wax off! So solly!
AN ACTUAL ROCKET LAUNCHER
Item #: D-140
Category: Illegal Weapons
You have two choices this 4th of July: come out and play with the big dogs, or stay on the porch with the little pups. What’s it gonna be?
Price: what, like $25,000?
SHOCK & AWE-SOME!
Item #: K-324
Category: Aerials, Warfare
Relive the excitement of air strikes over Baghdad with these nifty aerials, civilian casualties included! These suckers fly straight up in the air, emit a small burst of sparks, then silently shoot straight back down and explode once they hit the ground! Whoa, nelly! Caution: these will kill you. Use only under adult supervision.
Item #: Q-481
Category: Aerials, Reloadable Shells/Mortars
These suckers will shoot hundreds of feet in the air, hang there for a minute, then literally fuck the stars. Seeing is believing! A Hypocritical Mass exclusive!
News For The Indifferent: Vol. 2
Thursday June 29th 2006, 10:12 am
Filed under: news
If you’ve been reading the papers lately, you’ve probably noticed how there are way too many words in them. Don’t sweat it, though: put down that paper and read through this post in its entirety, and within seconds you’ll be able to speak with authority on subjects of international import. Whether you’re at the office with your coworkers, at home with your roommates, or at a cocktail party with your apathetic and ill-informed friends, Hypocritical Mass has got what you need: the truth in 200 words or less.
CREEPS ON MYSPACE
All these perverts were like “ooooh” and then little kids were like “gah?” and then the parents were all “GAH!!!” so Rupert Murdoch hired some Navy Seals to kill every pedophile in the USA. They got like half of them, and the other half deleted their Myspace accounts and logged back into Friendster. Then they got super bummed out cuz only like four people had looked at their Friendster profile in the six months since they last logged in. But now Myspace is all rainbows and beautiful meadows and the kids roll in the grass and laugh and there are red balloons everywhere and the parents don’t even sweat it cuz its the safest place in the entire world. Seriously.
DOGS AND TURTLES ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES
First Darwin’s tortoise dies at 176. Then Frasier’s terrier dies at 16 later that night. Are we really supposed to believe that this is all somehow a coincidence? Fuck that – Harriet and Eddie didn’t die. Harriet and Eddie were ASSASSINATED.
GAS IS SUPER EXPENSIVE
You know all those picures you see of kids in third world countries with the bloated bellies and the weird belly buttons and the flies landing on their actual eyeballs but they don’t even respond because they’re so fucking hungry that their eye nerves shut down weeks ago to conserve energy? You know how they always come on while you’re trying to watch “Zoolander” at 3 AM on FX and you’re like “C’mon! He was about to make that cute little puckered-up ‘I’m Ben Stiller’ face again! This is bullshit!” You know have after that you say “fuck it” and turn off the TV and walk to the fridge and open it, looking for something good, but there’s nothing really in there? Don’t you hate nights like that? God.
It’s pretty depressing when the most press you’ve had in a decade is for biting a Swede.
Things That Suck: So You Think You Can Dance.
Here’s a concept: let’s make a show where people who think they can dance try to dance. On national television. Then, after they’re done dancing, “experts” tell them whether or not they’re actually good at dancing. Oh – then, after that, the people who are good at dancing will stay on the show and compete with each other to find out who the best dancer is! Isn’t that a great idea? Yeah – it’s called an “audition.” It’s what they used to do before the actual show was filmed to find people with talent and stage presence. You know – to figure out if they’d be good ON TELEVISION. Now the audition IS the show. Oh – and the show is two hours long. Super. The worst part of it is that as it goes on and they weed out the people who really suck at dancing, the show actually gets less entertaining. Why not give each contestant their own episode where they dance for as long as they can until they collapse? Whoever’s episode is the longest wins! That would be awesome! I’d totally watch that, but for now, sorry FOX: So You Think You Can Dance totally sucks.
My Host Kinda Sucks.
The site was down pretty much all day yesterday. Now it’s back up, but a week’s worth of posts are gone. Kaput. Donezo. One of ’em was funny, too. Drat. My host kinda sucks.
Sneakergate: Part 2
Heads up, sneaker fans: someone on eBay has a pair of replica McFlys from Back to the Future 2 up for auction (note: be sure to read the questions at the bottom). The current bid is $405. I tapped Al Cabino to let him know, thinking he would be excited. I’m not surprised that he already knew about it, but I guess I’m kind of surprised that he already had an official statement ready:
Official Response to the FAKE McFly Sneaker on eBay
“Sneakers are born to be worn. The FAKE McFly sneaker as seen on eBay is nothing more than a Fisher-Price toy. If sneaker fans want the McFlys, sign my petition.”
Just Sign It.
Caution: Flaming Keytar.
A few days ago, I sold my last keytar. I used to have two; now I have none. I feel empty.
After a few days of sulking, I managed to raise my spirits a bit and do some keytar-related web searching. Then I did some keytar-related emailing. Then I took a nap.
I had keytar-related dreams.
When I woke up, I had received a keytar-related response to my keytar-related email! Delightful! It was from Tom Schuman, keyboard player from Spyro Gyra and owner of the first prototype of the first commercially-released keytar (the Moog Liberation). Though credited as the first keytar player, he tells it a bit differently:
Thank you for thinking about me. I cannot take credit for being the first keytar player. I saw Jan Hammer with a thing called “The Probe” back when I just starting touring with Spyro Gyra in 1978. I think George Duke also used a keytar called a “Clavitar”. However, I can take credit for the first one to set his keytar on fire. Moog Music made me a prototype to the Liberation which had a compartment on the back for smoke bombs. At a certain point in my keytar solo, I had the stage manager kneel behind me and light the wick of a smoke bomb which then gave the illusion that the keyboard was smoking. Well, one time it actually caught on fire when the whole back of the keyboard started flaming at which point I was forced to throw the thing off of me. Fortunately, I was not burned. I also got electrocuted in Japan when our lighting director decided to string the keytar with flashing Christmas lights. He would turn them on when I went running through the audience. The effect was great except when I took off the thing to set it back on the stage, I touched something that shot 110 volts through my body…once again, I was forced to throw it off of me!
Needless to say, I no longer desire to use a keytar.
Tupac Was A Total Wuss.
When Tupac was 19, he was hired as a back-up dancer for Digital Underground. Whoopee. When the Tact Records crew was 19, they were serving in the Israel Defense Forces. If American rappers are pissed off, just imagine what these guys must feel like. Israel’s most popular rapper, Subliminal (MySpace profile here), is known as the creator of “Zionist hip hop.” Tamer Nafar, founder of hip hop group DAM (“Da Arabic MCs”), is an Arab-Israeli. They used to be friends who believed that hip hop could unite the world. Take a wild guess what happened with there.
Read about their falling out over at Guilt and Pleasure.
We Were So Naïve…
Remember that sick move Michael Jackson used to do? You know the one: where he’d lean way forward but never fall because he was such a good dancer? Remember all those times you tried to do it and kept falling on your ass? Well guess what: not only did you never have a chance of doing it right, but if you were trying to do it after October 26, 1993, you may have been breaking the law.
(link – via kottke)
What You Can Do To A Dog.
You can do a lot of things to a dog: pet it, feed it, maybe take it for a walk or something. I guess you could conceivably put it to work, maybe attach a plow to it or something. There’s a lot of options there.
Or alternatively, I guess you could put a horse mask on it. Or dress it up like a pig. Or, umm… put a leaf on its head. Or write “2005” on some oranges and put the oranges in its mouth, then balance some more oranges on its head. Or put a doll head in its mouth. Hey, you know what? Fuck it. Why don’t you put some fake eyelashes on it? There are so many great things you can do to a dog that I never would have thought of. Thanks, internet.
(link – via metafilter)