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Stop-Action Movies Rule.
Wednesday May 31st 2006, 11:36 am
Filed under: brain exploders,internet crap,things that rule

Today I stumbled across a short movie on Atom Films called “Game Over.” Good stuff.

PES, the guy who made it, has all kinds of other stop-action goodness on his website. Try out “Roof Sex” for a crash course in awesome. “KaBoom!” shreds so hard that it will melt your face off and you won’t even really mind. You owe him your face for making such sweet shit and letting you watch it for free.



The Greatest Spam Subject Line Of All Time.
Friday May 26th 2006, 11:49 am
Filed under: internet crap,rants

Those clever little monkeys found a way around my gmail spam filter!  How did they do it?  Simple.  With the greatest subject line of all time.

Only close personal friends send emails with subject lines like this one.  This is some seriously cordial shit.  If the robot that sent me this email knew my cat’s name, it would’ve been in there.  This is the kind of spam that makes people weep.  It touches you personally, which is noteworthy because it’s not really coming from a person.  It comes from a robot.  That’s why it was so weird to get this spam message with the greatest subject line of all time.

“Hi… Squash-Vine Borer.”

How did that robot know that I routinely bore squash vines?  There must be some weird NSA conspiracy shit going on here, because I seriously bore squash vines all the fucking time.  Good call, robot.

That bit at the end though – you know… all that “fellow emigrant master key heart shell three-eared worm-tongued serpent moss metal-piercing lizard bronze soul-sapping land rail bull-horn” stuff – might have been a bit off, but hey, one for two ain’t bad.



Brandon Bird Saved My Life.
Thursday May 25th 2006, 2:26 pm
Filed under: art,brain exploders,internet crap

holy mother of god.I was super surly all day today. I just kind of wanted to go home, you know? I had a crappy salad for lunch, then I sat in the food court and snarled at everyone I saw making snap judgements based on their clothes. Shallow? Maybe. Get bent – I said I was surly, didn’t I? Then I went to work and my boss actually wanted me to do work. The nerve!

So I’m sitting in my chair seething when all of the sudden I end up clicking a link to Brandon Bird’s website. All of the sudden I’m partying with Mr. T and Christopher Walken is building a robot and someone who kind of looks like a really strong version of Abraham Lincoln is beating some dude’s ass and then WHAM! Brain chunks all over my the screen. Brandon Bird, you saved my life.

Thanks, bro.



News For The Indifferent.
Wednesday May 24th 2006, 10:08 am
Filed under: news,rants

If you’re like me, you like to keep up with current events. But if you’re like me, you don’t really care that much about the minutiae of global economics. This is tricky – you want to know what’s going on, but you don’t want it to be that complicated or specific. What do you do? Don’t worry, little buddy – you’ve come to the right place.

a troubled region in troubled times.

IRAQ

Back in 1950, President Eisenhower gave Saddam Hussein, like, a billion dollars. He wanted Saddam to start training dudes so they could overthrow Osama Bin Laden. Well guess what happened? Saddam went mad with power and built all these palaces and bunkers and started secret programs to manufacture Anthrax and bombs shaped like airplanes. George Bush Sr. got super pissed and that turned into Desert Storm. Then George W. Bush was like “Fuck yeah” and now pretty much everyone in the Middle East is dead.

the face of insanity.

TOM CRUISE

Remember Cocktail? No? What about Risky Business? Nothing? Weird. Ah! Top Gun – you remember that, don’t you? Okay, yeah. Well remember the main guy in that? “Maverick?” He turned out to be completely fucking nuts.

shhh... they might be listening.

THE NSA DID SOME SHIT

A few years ago, everybody really liked George W. Bush. Now everybody hates him and it makes him sad. To figure out why, George made the National Security Agency eavesdrop on America so he could hear all the nasty things people were saying about him. Most of the tapes turned out to be totally irrelevant though; mostly just people bitching about how they were bored at work, or how they couldn’t decide what they were going to cook for dinner. Then the Liberal Media found out about the tapes and now it’s been widely reported in the New York Times and the Washington Post that you’re “not in the mood for Mexican tonight.”

ohh i'mmm... yeahhh... i'm still alive, yeah...

PEARL JAM

Item! Pearl Jam totally put out a new record! Yeah! It’s totally rockin’ and Eddie Vedder is still pissed about Ticketmaster and well, golly, they sound great! Those boys can really cook! Seriously – Pitchfork said it’s a “return to form.” Yeah – a return to form. You know – the form best characterized by songs like “Jeremy” and “Alive.” In 2006. Su-fucking-perb.

paper or plastic?
THE ENVIRONMENT

The world is going to explode pretty soon because you exhale too much. Plus there’s a huge hole in the ozone layer (remember?) and it let in all these rays from space that melted most of our glaciers, even though McDonald’s switched most of their containers from styrofoam to cardboard. Pretty soon there are gonna be five huge storms that are going to merge together and form a “Global Superstorm” that will hurl the planet into a second ice age. Yeah – just like The Day After Tomorrow.

like it or not, this picture is pretty badass.
THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION

Some dude named Scooter told someone there are spies. Someone found some papers in a drawer that meant something, then a hurricane happened. The guy who was supposed to take care of it turned out to be a failed horse judge, so a bunch of people died. A lot of them lied about stuff that was pretty important. Some of them got in trouble about it, so Dick Cheney shot some dude in the face.



Don Rickles Is Making Me Famous As Shit.
Tuesday May 23rd 2006, 1:45 pm
Filed under: internet crap,photoshop fun

what can i say?  i rule.Through hard work and dedication, a stupid picture I photoshopped is currently semi-prominently featured in Cracked.com’s “Don Rickles Speaks!” photoshop contest. If you’re reading this, mom, stop crying. I’ve finally made it. Next stop: coke binge with Kate Moss followed by a vicious downward spiral followed by a gut-wrenching tell-all autobiography.

Be sure to catch the E! True Hollywood Story.

(link)



His Word Is His Bond.
Friday May 19th 2006, 11:24 am
Filed under: nigerian email scams

From: Micheal Dubov
To: Hypocritical Ross
Subject: Letter:Business Proposal

12th May,2006
The Financial Officer
YUKOS OIL COMPANY,

I,Micheal V. Dubov , of YUKOS OIL COMPANY, representing Mr.
Mikhail
Khodorkovsk(M.K.) and would like to ask for your partnership in
re-profiling funds over US$100.5million.

I will give the details, but in summary, the funds are coming
via private
bank and this is a legitimate transaction. You will be paid 8%
for your
“management fees”.If you are interested, please write back and I
will
provide further instructions.Keep this confidential.

Finally, please note that this must be concluded within a short
time.Write
me back.
I look forward to it.

Sincerly,
Micheal Dubov

—————————————————————

From: Hypocritical Ross
To: Micheal Dubov
Subject: RE: Letter:Business Proposal

Micheal-

I am very interested and would love to know more information about this lucrative opportunity. It sounds really great!

Thanks,
Ross

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Zine Fair.
Wednesday May 17th 2006, 9:29 am
Filed under: zines

This Saturday I’ll be participating in (or sitting behind a folding table at) an event at the MCA Chicago celebrating their new Chris Ware exhibition. It’s May 20 from 12-4 at 220 East Chicago Ave. Come by and say hi.

(link)



Things That Suck: “Izzle.”
Tuesday May 16th 2006, 10:15 am
Filed under: things that suck

lame.The “izzle” phenomenon apparently dates back to the early 80s, when The Gap Band recorded a cover of a Frankie Smith song called “Double Dutch Bus.” It was then reintroduced by a guy called E-40 who influenced Snoop Dogg to add “izzle” to everything he said. It was then that “izzle” gained acceptance at suburban shopping malls across the country. Historically, this is super fascinating stuff. It’s important too because, you know, hip hop culture is, like, totally important and a purely American form of music or whatever, but all that glosses over the fact that “izzle” is one of the most obnoxious fucking trends on the face of the planet.  I passed four people on the street the other day who were on their way to lunch. One of them, an overweight white woman in a pair of black stretchy pants, called out to the other three. “Hey, guys! Wait for C-Jizzle!” Then she started laughing like she’d just said something really funny. Seriously. Though now relegated to the same tragically-lame folks who still raise the roof and feel sentimental about Eiffel 65 (you know – “I’m blue da-boo-dee-da-boo-dow), “izzle” just won’t die. People still add it to words and laugh like they made a joke. Like “Marcy’s cancer spread – she’s about to start chemo therapizzle!” You wanna know why adding “izzle” to that didn’t make it funny? Because “izzle” is not in and of itself a joke. It’s not even a word. I don’t know what it is. Maybe you could consider it a noise or something. I do know one thing, though: “izzle” totally fucking sucks.



Times Is Rough.
Tuesday May 16th 2006, 9:17 am
Filed under: chicago,internet crap

I’ve been in some tight spots before, but it’s good to know I haven’t hit rock bottom yet. From Craigslist Missed Connections:

The guy who took a shit under my porch Saturday night – 32

Date: 2006-05-15, 5:45PM

I didn’t call the cops on you because I kinda felt bad for anybody who has to take shits in condo gangways, and you seemed pretty embarrassed when I called you on it. I didn’t see any need for the 14th district’s finest to beat you up for pooping on some yuppie’s doormat.

Sorry your life is so crap that you don’t have your own bathroom. I kind of feel for you, but maybe you could find someplace a little more private than our rather well-lit gangway for your next poo-poo break.

  • this is in or around Humboldt Park

    no — it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



I Absolutely Adore Credit Card Transactions.
Friday May 12th 2006, 9:42 am
Filed under: nigerian email scams

From: info_supplies25@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: ORDER ENQUIRY……
Date: Wed, 03 May 2006 17:43:23 +0200

Hello,
My name is David Moore, I am interested in purchasing
some of your product to supply to a client of mine in
WestAfrica, Lagos Nigeria in particular.

So I will like to know if you ship to Lagos Nigeria, and
if not I can arrange for pik up by a freight forwarder as
well, and also if you accept Credit card transactions in
your company before I proceed with this order. If my
answers are YES, then advise back ASAP so I can get back to
you with the exact products that I want.

I will be waiting for your quick response cos the need of
this products are urgent.

Regards,
David Moore
276, Frobisher road,
DA8-2PT Erith
London, England.
Fax : 448704901582
Phone : 447031912223
Mobile Phone : 447031904898

——————————————————

David-

I’d be happy to ship to Lagos Nigeria, and I LOVE credit card
transactions!
Just let me know exactly what products you need and we can work something
out. This all makes perfect sense to me.

-Ross

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