The Eagle Has Landed.
Wednesday March 29th 2006, 11:43 am
Filed under: internet crap

stars and bars, bitch.It’s sitting in its nest doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes it looks at me. Yeah, it’s majestic and all, but is majesty really enough on its own? Apparently it is considering I’ve been watching this majestic-as-fuck eagle do jack squat for the past twenty minutes.

(via metafilter via digg)

Things That Rule: Jaywalking.
Wednesday March 29th 2006, 10:08 am
Filed under: things that rule

move it, tiger.Sure, the light’s green, but that’s not gonna stop you, is it? No way. Not you. You’re a badass, right? Sure you are. You’ve crossed this street dozens of times both inside the crosswalk and out. You know the traffic patterns, know that the light a block down turns green just a few seconds after this one does. Blind people develop supersonic hearing or extra-sensitive noses; You’ve crossed this street so many times you’ve become finely attuned to its traffic. So screw it – jaywalk. You know that gap is big enough to make it across. Do it. See that guy on the other side? The one looking at the gap, then looking at you? His eyes are darting back and forth. He’s nervous. Maybe he had a bad jaywalking experience once and decided to play by the rules, follow the signals like a good little boy. Maybe he sees an echo of his former self in your wild eyes. He’s frozen at the corner until the light changes. He’s a cheetah in captivity and you’re running wild and free. You’re totally crossing against the light. You get to the other corner as the Walk signal comes on, just as he steps gingerly into the street. He looks at you and thinks, “Wow. What a badass.” And he’s right. Jaywalking rules.

Things That Rule: Quizno’s Prime Rib Subs.
Tuesday March 28th 2006, 3:12 pm
Filed under: things that rule

oh yeah.I’m kind of a sucker for new (and/or limited edition) fast food items. When Burger King introduced Chicken Fries, I was all over them. When the McRib came back for its final curtain call, I was there to throw it flowers. Most recently, when Arby’s unveiled its new “Natural Chicken” marketing campaign, promising, in what may be the least encouraging guarantee of all time, that their chicken will from now on come from 100% real chickens, I kept an open mind. Okay, fine. They were inadvertently admitting that their chicken was at some point not actually chicken. Who cares? That was the past. It’s time to move on. I’m not one for holding grudges, so I was first in line, first to pay, and first to sink my teeth into some “100% real” Arby’s chicken.

And now here we are – the latest heavyweight addition to the Merchandise Mart food court. Of course it’s not made of actual prime rib. You think I don’t know that? Who cares?! It may not be prime rib, but it IS covered in onions and mozzarella and some weird kind of dressing stuff. And hey, you know what? That’s good enough for me. Sold. Quizno’s Prime Rib Sub rules. Get over it.

(This entry, though well suited as a viral advertisement for Quizno’s new Prime Rib Sub, was in no way, shape, or form paid for by Quiznos LLC. But it should be. To that end, please go here and fill out the form to let them know what a good job I’m doing of promoting their new product. Feel free to post your letter in the comment section here. Or, hell – just call their President and CEO, Richard Schaden, at 720.359.3300 and let him know personally.)

I Think I’ve Officially “Made It.”
Monday March 27th 2006, 7:45 pm
Filed under: internet crap

Check it out – my first spam comment!

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Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Timing Is Everything.
Wednesday March 22nd 2006, 11:59 am
Filed under: advertising,cartoons,media

space is deep.Let me set up a timeline for you: South Park Episode #137, “Trapped In The Closet,” airs on November 16, 2005. The episode bashes Scientology. Then March 13, 2006 – almost four months later – Isaac Hayes, a known Scientologist, announces that he’s quitting the show. A few days later, the episode is mysteriously yanked off the air. Why did it take four months for the pot to boil over? If Tom Cruise was behind the episode getting pulled, why didn’t he take action after the show aired for the first time in November?  Then March 20, some guy at Fox says Hayes DIDN’T quit the show.  How confusing!  Thank god it’s all getting plenty of press coverage to help us make sense of it!

Oh, and coincidentally, the first episode of South Park’s new season airs tonight. That’s weird, isn’t it?

High Score: The Movie.
Monday March 20th 2006, 1:27 pm
Filed under: movies,video games

Awesome.Jeremy Mack’s documentary High Score won the Emerging Visions award at SXSW this year. Judging by the trailer, it looks geektacularly sweet. Add it to your I-totally-wanna-see-that list in the #2 slot, right under Snakes On A Plane.

edit: A guy named Roy Shildt held the top score for “tournament” mode (there’s also a “marathon” mode record) as of 2004. Here’s his website.

She’s High Maintenance.
Monday March 20th 2006, 11:28 am
Filed under: internet crap

ooh la la.Yeah, I know. Your significant other is a handful. Between dinner dates, meeting the family, birthdays and anniversaries, you don’t even have time to just sit and bask in the bliss of togetherness anymore, and hey, wasn’t that what you got together for in the first place? For a mere $6500 you can skip all that and get down to business. Sure, sometimes you might have to tighten her jaw with a Phillips-head screwdriver, and yeah, you have to use something called a “neck hook” to “use” her in a standing position, but relationships are all about compromise, right?

You’re bound to hit some bumps on the road to happiness, though. It happens. Luckily, Harpers has you covered.

(via reversecowgirl via themorningnews)

What I Did With My Day.
Saturday March 18th 2006, 8:15 pm
Filed under: flash


Tragedy In Springfield.
Thursday March 16th 2006, 3:39 pm
Filed under: news

In the wake of Tornado Jim (I just named it that), 4,000 residents are still without cable in the Land of Lincoln’s capital. If corpses could move, Honest Abe would be turning over in his grave. Because, you know. He loved cable so much.

As if that weren’t enough, Paul Bunyan has been decapitated. God? WHAT God?!?!

oh, the humanity!

(picture via knowledge is power)

Things That Suck: Matthew Barney.
Thursday March 16th 2006, 12:15 pm
Filed under: things that suck

gimme a break.Okay. So you’ve got some bees, some Goodyear blimps, the singer from Morbid Angel, and a bunch of painted horses. Throw in Houdini, some Freemasons, and some mythological references and you somehow end up with some kind of statement on the nature of creativity. Right? Did I fuck that up?

I used to live an apartment that shared a porch with this art school freshman. He had some people over one night, and this one kid started blathering to us about the performance art he does in the subway. Then he said that he owned a copy of the Cremaster Cycle on LASERDISC and that Barney handmade all the packaging for every copy and that they cost like $10,000 each but it’s worth it because, like, DUDE, you’re not just buying a movie, you’re buying a piece of ART HISTORY.

I only bring this up because dude has a new movie coming out. It will probably suck. Know why? Because Matthew Barney Sucks.