Going Postal
Tuesday January 31st 2006, 10:31 am
Filed under: news,rants

So a female ex-postal worker “went postal” yesterday and killed six people in a mail processing room before committing suicide.  Isn’t that just a little… I don’t know… cliche?  It seems like if you work in an industry that has a stereotype attached to it (like, say, all ex-postal workers come back with a gun and kill their ex-coworkers), you would go out of your way to defy those expectations by, say, not killing all your ex-coworkers.  Like the ice cream man who doesn’t molest any kids, or the milkman who never fucks another man’s wife, these are the people who open our eyes and make us rethink the way we look at the world.  Sometimes it’s the little things – a non-spicy taxi cab, for example – that make all the difference.  Sometimes it’s bigger things, like a sober Irish cop marrying a black chick.  Big or small, these are the things that push society forward toward a glimmering and tolerant future, and it breaks my heart to see people like this set progress back a whole decade, back to a time when it was more than just okay to say someone went “postal” – it was funny.  A time when people got unironically jiggy.  A time when hamsters and babies danced together in harmony.  I thought we’d moved past all that.  I guess I was wrong.

Thanks a lot, female ex-postal worker.

I Don’t Want A Second Life (Part 5)
Saturday January 28th 2006, 8:35 pm
Filed under: second life

These Second Life blog entries are at kind of a standstill right now, mostly because I’ve been suspended from the game for a week. I like to think of it as a small victory.

It all started in a weird little area of the game that I can’t remember the name of. The people there practice a weird little form of roleplaying called “Gor.” It’s all based on the writings of some sci fi writer named John Norman. The basic idea (at least as far as I can gather) is that women are completely subservient and men are super dudical. All the women are kept on leashes and aren’t allowed to talk much. If you’re interested there’s more than enough info on all the rules at this website, but if you’re like me, you’re not really interested enough to read them all. Suffice it to say these people are really weird and the whole deal is more than a little creepy. So when I encountered them, I did the only sensible thing you can do in a situation like that – I threw a bunch of giant dicks at them.


Dilbert is not funny.
Wednesday January 25th 2006, 2:59 pm
Filed under: cartoons

Here’s the original.

That’s not funny, Scott. Seriously. Here – let me help you out.

There ya go, buddy.

An Open Letter To The Woman Standing In Front of Me In Line At Arby’s Who “Can’t Wait” To Try The New French Onion Beef & Swiss Sandwich.
Monday January 23rd 2006, 10:52 pm
Filed under: letters

Dear Woman Standing In Front Of Me In Line At Arby’s Who “Can’t Wait” To Try The New French Onion Beef & Swiss Sandwich,

I know what you’re thinking, lady. It’s 12:30 and we’re both in line at Arby’s in the food court at the Merchandise Mart. We’re in the same boat here. We’ve paid for our food and are clutching our receipts, occassionally looking at the number at the top and wondering how long it’s going to be before we’re sinking our teeth into a delectable mix of beef, swiss cheese and, of course, onions. We’re both hungry, both on our lunch breaks. But that is where the similarites end, because you evidently “can’t wait” to try the new French Onion Beef & Swiss Sandwich.


I Don’t Want A Second Life (Part 4)
Saturday January 21st 2006, 9:34 pm
Filed under: second life

It’s over, folks. Seriously. This has gone far enough.

I’ve been a video game dork for pretty much my entire life. I’ve had a computer since I was probably 7 years old. I played Oregon Trail and all the early Sierra adventure games. I had an Intellivision and an NES. I blew it with the next generation and got a Turbo Grafx. I never had a Super Nintendo or a Playstation. Hell, I just now got a Playstation 2. Okay, I kind of suck with buying consoles, to be honest. Seriously. Who the fuck buys a Dreamcast? Whatever. The point is that I’ve been a gamer my whole life, and this is the first time I’ve felt like video games might actually be bad news.


what a perfect way to end the work week
Friday January 20th 2006, 5:02 pm
Filed under: internet crap

I spent all week poking around on the internet, looking for something that rules. Then all of the sudden, at 5 o’clock on a Friday, I stumble across a video of dogs moving really slowly to pulsating dance music. Someone is looking after me. Thank you, whoever you are.

slow dogs
(via WFMU’s Beware of the Blog)

We Need A New Band Name
Wednesday January 18th 2006, 5:28 pm
Filed under: writing

… and that was the last time he ever bonged red wine! Anyway, enough fun, people. Let’s get down to business and figure this thing out. Hey, relax you guys, will you? I was just kidding about the “enough fun” thing. You look like a couple of scared kids. Any of you guys want a beer? Something harder? There’s some pills in that box right there. Go nuts.

Not you, Zig.

Anyway, the record is going over like a cream dream, boys! We’ve been hoppin’ and boppin’ to it all around the office for days. Even the interns are asking about it! It’s got the goods! Cool but clean, rebellious but radio friendly… I think we could milk a good 3 or 4 hits out of it, to be honest. In this industry, we say a great record has to “pop.” Well guess what, guys? This record pops. Hell, this record does more that pop. It pizzops. I don’t go in for all that “izzle” crap, but it’s true. This record’s got the pizzops, baby! Anyway, the label is totally psyched to work with you guys, and we really, totally want to make this thing happen, I can’t stress that enough, but, well, there’s a problem.

It’s your name.


A Small Sampling of the Subject Lines of the 60 or so Craigslist Ads That I Have Emailed To Myself Over The Course Of The Last Year That Have Sat Untouched As New Mail In My Gmail Inbox Since They Were Originally Sent, Rendering Both My Ineffectuality And My Career Goals Embarassingly Obvious
Wednesday January 18th 2006, 12:51 pm
Filed under: lists

– Assistant Producer, Editorial

– Copywriter for website (rolling meadows)

– Editor, writer, content manager

– Assistant Editor

– Freelance Research and Writing (Chicago)

– Managing Editor Position

– Assistant Internet Copy Editor

– Magazine Editors/Writers

– magazine layout (west town)

– Video game columnist (Chicago, Il)

– ISO experienced writers to write reviews of pre-released music albums (Chicago)

– Print Production Assistan (Chicago Loop)

That CTU Agent Can Sell Anything
Monday January 16th 2006, 3:31 pm
Filed under: 24,internet crap

Jack Bauer has done a lot. He’s killed like a billion dudes and he’s really good at stopping terrorism. He can triangulate the shit out of pretty much anything and sets up a hard perimeter like nobody’s business. Oh, and he’s good with like every weapon ever and he knows how to disable nuclear warheads and one time he got addicted to heroin when he was undercover busting a drug cartel. Now he can tack another line onto his already-impressive resume: selling japanese snack thingees.

I Don’t Want A Second Life (Part 3)
Thursday January 12th 2006, 5:19 pm
Filed under: second life

I was sitting on my actual couch in my actual living room watching a Kelly Clarkson video on MTV, when all of the sudden it hit me: I should not be doing this. I should be doing something proactive, something that means something. I should participate in the beautiful cycle of creation and destruction, darkness and lightness and rising and falling and golly… it’s like a dance, isn’t it? I walked to the bay windows in my apartment and watched the cars go by. A plastic bag caught a gust of wind and soared majestically through the ether. I thought about Baudelaire and made a promise to myself: I will look up Baudelaire and find out who he is. Then I sat down in my swivel chair, logged in, and started looking around. Luckily, it didn’t take long to find the object of my desire.