Where I’ve Been, Where I’m Going.
As you’ve probably noticed, things have been awful quiet around these parts. I took a little break in late August that I couldn’t bring myself to end, but then I got an interesting offer: blogging on a regular basis for the recently-redesigned Cracked.com. Part of that redesign includes a new group blog, and I’ll be writing there Monday through Friday for the foreseeable future.
So what about Hypocritical Mass? I think that for the time being, HM is going to be a place for things that don’t fit in at the Cracked Blog. Open letters to abstract concepts, obituaries for people I’ve never heard of, interviews with lunatics… all that good stuff.
I’ll admit it, though: My schedule is not going to let me post here anywhere close to daily. There will definitely be new posts to look out for, though, so be sure to check back occasionally. In the meantime, go check out the Cracked Blog, leave lots of comments and click on all of the banner ads. You’ll probably win a free iPod!
(edit: apparently the direct link to the Cracked Blog doesn’t work. Just click “Blog” on the error page until they get that fixed.)
It’s Not Funny, It’s Tragic.
There is absolutely nothing funny about two news helicopters crashing into each other while filming a police chase. Nope. Nothing funny about that at all. What kind of sick fuck are you, anyway?
Not funny. Tragic.
Things That Suck: Weekly World News Is Over.
There’s always been a place in my heart for Weekly World News. When it came to those less-reported stories, there just wasn’t anywhere else to turn. Who broke Bat Boy? When space aliens met with Clinton, who had the gall to report on it? Forget the hip and would-be “radical” rags you find in the anarchist bookstores. For the real scoop, you needed to look no farther than your local grocery checkout line.
But now those days are over. Gone are the days of Bat Boy, Elvis sightings and the world’s fattest baby. When Osama Bin Laden is found – in one of George Bush’s myriad secret homosexual love dens – who is going to report it? Who is going to publish Ed Anger‘s latest screeds? NYT? WaPo? I think not, my friends. The Weekly World News is over, and you know what? That really sucks.
Well… kinda. I guess I haven’t actually bought one in like six years.
This Just In: World’s Tallest Man Meets Fairly Short Man For No Reason Whatsoever, Shakes His Hand In Front Of Photographers.
Remember Bao Xishun? The Mongolian herdsman who saved a choking dolphin last year? Well if you’re like me, you’ve been wondering what the world’s tallest man has been up to. Luckily, the always-classy Daily Mail has our answer: Shaking hands with a guy claiming to be the world’s shortest man. He Pingping – who also hails from Inner Mongolia – is only 73 cms tall. Someone named Lin Yih-Chih holds the record at 67.5 cms, apparently, but you know what? A photo op is a photo op.
As much as I love Bao Xishun, I have to admit it: Meeting a guy who claims to be the world’s shortest man while being 6 cm taller than the current record holder is no dolphin rescue.
To Err Is Stupid.
We all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are small and cause no harm. Other times those mistakes are huge and egregious and kill a ton of people.
Then there are the ones that fall somewhere in between forgetting to add fabric softener and, oh, I don’t know… genocide. Mistakes that are big enough to make it onto the local news but still small enough for us to laugh at. These aren’t veterans, and they aren’t firefighters, and they didn’t rescue anyone from the collapsing twin towers. These are ordinary Joe Schmoes, regular folks like you or I who just so happened to mistake peacocks for vampires and acid for wine. With that being said, and with the reverence of yesterday’s Independence Day celebrations still fresh in our heads, I’d like to take some time to honor some of America’s most undervalued heroes: complete morons.
– Man Mistakes Peacock For Vampire
– Man Mistakes Bales Of Pine Straw For Dead Woman, Gives Them CPR
– Man Mistakes Neighbor’s Porn DVD For Woman’s Cries For Help, Tries to Rescue Her With A Sword
– Man Mistakes Onion Story For Reality
– Man Mistakes Acid For Wine, Dies
– Man Mistakes His Life For A Game Of Grand Theft Auto
This Just In: Stoned Cop Accidentally Ruins His Own Life.
Ever wonder what it might sound like if a cop ate a shitload of really potent pot brownies, got so stoned he became convinced that he and his wife were both dying, then called 911 for an ambulance? Wonder no more!
More info available here, although I have no idea what more information you could possibly need on this one.
Being Married To The Sea Just Got That Much Easier.
With pirate attacks down by nearly a third, there’s never been a better time to sail in international waters with a huge sack of diamonds. This raises more questions than it answers, though. Here’s a breakdown:
QUESTIONS IT ANSWERS
1. Are pirate attacks up or down since last year?
QUESTIONS IT RAISES
1. Pirates? Really?!
2. That is so fucking cool. Did you seriously say pirates?!
3. Who are these people issuing reports with statistical data on real life pirates?
4. How can I work for them?
5. Pirates! (not really a question, but still.)
Kasper Hauser Parodies TAL Again. Also, Something Else Completely Unrelated.
Kasper Hauser has put up another parody of This American Life. These guys are freakin’ awesome.
Also, Pravda (a Russian paper founded by Leon Trotsky in 1908) is doing some very interesting reporting on the Don Imus scandal. So interesting, in fact, that trying to read their article has given me a migraine and blurred vision.