Ever since one of the capsule toy vending machines in the currency exchange by my old apartment offered the possibility of winning a laser pointer, it’s been hard for me to walk past a cluster of them without dropping some cash. Over the course of a year, I probably dumped 10 bucks into that damn thing, coming away instead with a seemingly endless supply of rubber balls and weird keychains that smelled like gasoline for some reason. I would bounce the rubber balls onto the roof of the building immediately, then stare at the keychains with wonder and profound sadness, thinking about the children toiling away on the other side of the world to manufacture these hideous and smelly abominations, all the energy expended to transport them across the ocean and then carry them by truck to every nook and cranny throughout the country, eventually finding their way into a vending machine at a currency exchange by my apartment where I would waste my 50 cents (probably as much as the kid who made them earns in a day) on them, only to instantly chuck them into the trash because, you know – where the fuck is my laser pointer?
Which is all to say that it can be exceedingly difficult, frustrating, and expensive to get what you want out of a toy vending machine. You’re generally better off with the ones full of stickers that say things like “I (Heart) Chocolate!” or “I Go From Zero To Bitch In 2.8 Seconds!” When we walked past a cluster of them last night in the foyer of a taqueria, I guess I wasn’t paying attention – I noticed the Homies machine (not interested – it seems like I always get DevilDog), but I somehow missed the CSI one that Jo was freaking out about. It looked like mostly crime scene tape and fake moustaches, but Jo was intent. She pumped in 50 cents, turned the crank, and got exactly what she wanted.
Me? I got a fake moustache, but whatever – getting evidence from a vending machine rules.
Filed under: internet crap,technology,things that rule,toys,videos
A few weeks ago I posted a link to a video of a guy riding a robot. Maybe you saw it and thought to yourself, “That’s how I want to die.” Well today is your lucky day, my friend – the cleverly titled “ROBOT INDUSTRIAL FANUC S420iW” is up for auction on eBay, albeit with the somewhat-perplexing subtitle “ROBOT RIDE – DO NOT DO THIS!!” From the auction:
“This auction is for a used 1997 FANUC S420iW Industrial robot with RJ-2 Controls in a remote “B” cabinet. This robot has a capacity rating of 346 pounds and was at one time used in a Nissan Motor Plant. It is NOT intended to be a “RIDE” and I do not reccomend [sic] doing so. Fanuc also does NOT support the use of this machine as a “JOY RIDE”. Using this robot in such a manner can be hazardous to your health!!! … Videos of a machine “EXACTLY LIKE THIS ONE” in operation are available ALL OVER THE INTERNET!! Google the words “ROBOT RIDE” and find footage of a robot “EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE I HAVE FOR SALE”!”
Make up your minds, science-jerks!
Last night Jo bought two toys out of a vending machine while we were leaving the worst Chinese buffet I’ve ever eaten at. One of them was an alligator with like a surfboard or something, and the other one was even dumber – some weird little red thing with a broom and a bag and a stupid hat on. Now that I’ve looked at it for a little while, I guess maybe it’s a witch or something. I was about to throw it across the parking lot (because that’s what you do with stupid toys when you can’t figure out what they are) when it hit me: the thing looks exactly like Marty Feldman.