I’ll Be (Hitting It From The) Back.
Friday August 03rd 2007, 3:14 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,movies,technology,things that rule

Apologies for the lousy headline, but I was so excited to get a link up to these pictures of Terminators boning each other that I just couldn’t help myself.

Many more here. The binary code under the photos contains secret messages, too (if you’re bored enough to convert it).

(via geekologie)

All The Joys Of Being At Work While Riding Your Bike.
Tuesday July 24th 2007, 2:14 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,stupidity,technology

I guess I can add a 7th entry to my March entry “Six Stupid Bikes.” Ladies & gentlemen, I give you the Office Chair Bike.

Comes complete with helmet, rear-view mirror, and a letter addressed to your mother explaining why you still aren’t married yet.

(via geekologie)

The White Stripes, MP3s, Q101, And A Whole Bunch Of Other Crap.
Friday June 15th 2007, 12:15 pm
Filed under: interviews,music,technology,writing

I have an article in the Chicago Reader this week. You can read it online here.

Things That Suck: U.S. Patent #5,620,429.
Friday April 06th 2007, 10:58 am
Filed under: brain exploders,chicago,internet crap,technology,things that suck

 Dudes have two options when Aunt Flow comes to visit their babes: put up or shut up. That’s been enough, those two choices, since the dawn of man. You either roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty or say “yucky” and wait a few days. That’s how it is. That’s how it’s always been. Or, if you ask some freak named Abdul A. Al-Saleh from Saudi Arabia, that’s how it’s been for FAR TOO LONG. Al-Saleh thinks two choices is bullshit. Al-Saleh wants to have his cake and eat it too. Al-Saleh is probably a very strange guy to those who know him personally.

I don’t think I have to tell you what U.S. Patent #5,620,429 is. I think the picture speaks for itself, at least conceptually, although the actual physicality of how such a contraption might work completely eludes me. The abstract explains a bit:

The round bag has an opening and rings, windings and protrusions, as well as a suitable cream…. The fixing extension is placed between the rumps and may be coated by an adhesive material.

Oh, I get it now. The fixing extension goes between the rumps. Where in this patent does it explain who in their right fucking mind would ever consider banging this thing? Did he think about that at all? Maybe that’s why the patent was filed ten years ago and, bafflingly enough, you still can’t find Al-Saleh’s magnificent contraption at Walgreens or CVS. Maybe two choices was enough all along! We’ll put up or shut up, but we won’t fuck bags. Sorry, Al-Saleh. U.S. Patent #5,620,429 sucks.

Six Stupid Bikes.
Friday March 16th 2007, 11:58 am
Filed under: stupidity,technology,things that suck

 Bike: The “HyperBike” (by Body Rite Ltd)

Origins: The geniuses at Body Rite Ltd. woke up one morning and realized that people don’t look nearly retarded enough while riding bikes.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “Am I completely bat-shit insane or an engineering grad student? You decide.”

Why It’s Stupid: Similarities to a fictional vehicle from South Park aside, the HyperBike looks like it was designed by someone who traveled to the future, discovered the future is gay, then came and decided to do everything they could to hasten its arrival.

 Bike: The Sideways Bike

Origins: Some guy decided he was sick of having his body facing the direction he was traveling while riding his bike.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “Hey, look at me! I’m riding a weird bike!”

Why It’s Stupid: If you have to ask, you’ll never know.

 Bike: The Bus Of Eindhoven

Origins: If you can do something, you definitely should. And if that something involves building a 32-bike “bus” on a truck chassis for the express purpose of lugging some engineering students to a brewery and back, so be it. Get to work.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I am in Europe.”

Why It’s Stupid: This is so retarded it’s actually kind of cool.

 Bike: The Rowingbike

Origins: Unlike on a traditional bicycle, the Rowingbike uses every muscle in your body – even your Lookingus Likeoid A Douchbagialis Maximus.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I look like an asshole, but I’m going to live for 500 years.”

Why It’s Stupid: Because sure, you’re getting the ultimate exercise and strengthening every part of your body and everything, but what’s the point? To extend your lifespan so everyone can continue to laugh at you riding that stupid little bike of yours?

 Bike: The Conference Bike

Origins: Sometimes office morale is down. And when office morale is down, you can bet your behind that office productivity is down, too.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I am participating in a team-building exercise.”

Why It’s Stupid: It’s not stupid at all! The ability to work together to achieve a common goal is unbelievably important in an office environment, and team-building exercises on a corporate retreat can be a fantastic way to practice! Remember: the office that plays together stays together! You do want your office to stay together, don’t you?!

 Bike: Choppers

Origins: Fuck your fascist joke formats – there ain’t no origins for choppers, man. They grew out of the muck, out of the trash as, like, a response to the runoff, the byproducts of the urbanized lifestyle we’re forced to live every single day.

Message That Riding It Sends To The World: “I reject conventions.”

Why It’s Stupid: Because the same kids who make them also make tall bikes, which are more or less an insult to Darwinian evolution.

Robot Ride For Sale (But Please Do Not Ride It).
Monday February 26th 2007, 3:25 pm
Filed under: internet crap,technology,things that rule,toys,videos

A few weeks ago I posted a link to a video of a guy riding a robot. Maybe you saw it and thought to yourself, “That’s how I want to die.” Well today is your lucky day, my friend – the cleverly titled “ROBOT INDUSTRIAL FANUC S420iW” is up for auction on eBay, albeit with the somewhat-perplexing subtitle “ROBOT RIDE – DO NOT DO THIS!!” From the auction:

“This auction is for a used 1997 FANUC S420iW Industrial robot with RJ-2 Controls in a remote “B” cabinet. This robot has a capacity rating of 346 pounds and was at one time used in a Nissan Motor Plant. It is NOT intended to be a “RIDE” and I do not reccomend [sic] doing so. Fanuc also does NOT support the use of this machine as a “JOY RIDE”. Using this robot in such a manner can be hazardous to your health!!! … Videos of a machine “EXACTLY LIKE THIS ONE” in operation are available ALL OVER THE INTERNET!! Google the words “ROBOT RIDE” and find footage of a robot “EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE I HAVE FOR SALE”!”

Make up your minds, science-jerks!

(link – via bb)

Will Invent For Food.
Wednesday February 07th 2007, 11:48 am
Filed under: brain exploders,internet crap,technology,things that rule

 Troy Hurtubise, star of the awesome documentary Project Grizzly, has invented a lot of stuff. Bear suits, fire paste, blast cushions, the Angel Light (or “God Light”)… the list goes on and on (not really, actually – it pretty much ends right around there). But these unbelievable (in the truest sense of the word) inventions don’t grow on trees! It takes a lot of money to come up with prototypes for machines that basically perform magic, so it’s no wonder that Ol’ Troy’s a little hard up for cash. Down on his luck, Troy did what anyone else would do – scrounged around his house looking for shit to hock on eBay. Except while most of us usually come up with some shitty old clock (might be rare/antique!) and a handful of scratched ska CDs, Troy found a body armor suit called The Trojan. Bidding is up to $10,000 right now, but if his item description is to be believed, that’s a real steal – the suit supposedly cost $150,000 to develop. It all kind of reminds me of that old saying: one man’s financial ruin is another man’s opportunity to acquire sweet shit.

(via mefi)

Spam Is Weird.
Wednesday January 17th 2007, 7:57 pm
Filed under: internet crap,spam,stupidity,technology

The Best Patents Of All Time.
Friday December 15th 2006, 12:52 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,internet crap,stupidity,technology,things that rule

Google Patents is my new best friend. There are over 7 million patents to sift through, and as far as I can tell at least 5 million of them are completely ridiculous. Here’s a handful of my favorites so far.

I love the internet.


PATENT NAME: Flatulence Deodorizer


WHAT IS CLAIMED: “A pad to be worn by a user for absorbing gas due to flatulence.”

MARKETABILITY: Pretty high, apparently.

WHY IT RULES: Because Figure 1 is one of the most amazing fucking pictures I have ever seen in my entire life.


PATENT NAME: Villain Execution Toy


WHAT IS CLAIMED: “The ornamental design for a villain execution toy, as shown.”

MARKETABILITY: Probably fairly high when the patent was filed back in 2003. Less so now, considering the target demographic for a “Villain Execution Toy” probably forgot all about Osama Bin Laden by the end of the first episode of “Deal or No Deal.”

WHY IT RULES: Other than the fact that they call it a “toy,” it’s completely ambiguous what this “toy” actually does. The inventor’s million dollar idea was a toy that somehow involves Osama Bin Laden in an electric chair. Fuck it – patent that shit! Also, the file contains a reference to Patent #D135280 – “Design For A Pin Cushion” by Charles P. Englebarflt back in 1942. Ol’ Chucky E. beat this clown to the punch by 60 years.


PATENT NAME: Monkey Herpes B Virus Genes


WHAT IT CLAIMS: “1. A substantially pure form of a DNA sequence of heroes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:), said DNA coding for a gB glycoprotein comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:) and a polypeptide comprising (SEQ ID NO:5:).

2. A gB glycoprotein of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:6:).

3. A recombinant DNA molecule comprising:

a) a substantially pure DNA sequence of herpes simian monkey B virus comprising (SEQ ID NO:4:); and
b) a vector for introducing the DNA sequence into a host cell.”

MARKETABILITY: Depends on the price.

WHY IT RULES: Because when your college-educated, 1984-reading ass heard that corporations were starting to patent DNA you were picturing hordes of identical humans with barcodes on the backs of their necks. You never once thought to yourself, “Hey, wait – what about monkey herpes?”


In The Future, Stairs Will Be A Thing Of The Past.
Wednesday December 13th 2006, 1:29 pm
Filed under: failure,internet crap,technology,videos

Mostly because our new robot overlords will have no idea how to walk up and down them.

ASIMO eats shit

ASIMO eats shit again

(via geekologie)

(p.s. why are all these robots playing trumpets? is that last one wearing a kimono? japanese people are weird.)