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Yet Another Article Up On Cracked Today.
Friday July 27th 2007, 9:01 am
Filed under: bizarre,internet crap,jokes

WTF!?: The 8 Strangest Communities on the Web” is up on Cracked.com today. Some of you may have seen this already, but you ain’t never seen it lookin’ so purty.



Cliffs Notes On R. Kelly’s “The Zoo.”
Wednesday July 25th 2007, 8:12 am
Filed under: internet crap,jokes,music,photoshop fun

I have a new article up on Cracked.com today. Go read it.

(article link)



Comments On Last Night’s Orgy.
Tuesday May 29th 2007, 12:05 pm
Filed under: jokes,letters,sex

From: Hank Harris

To: Orgy Mailing List

Subject: Comments on last night’s orgy, upcoming potluck

Hello everyone! Chuck set up this handy e-mail list for getting in touch with everyone – let me know if anyone’s been left out so we can toss them on.

Great orgy last night, guys. Really – give yourselves a pat on the back. Everyone looked great out there, grunting like pigs in heat on my couches, ottomans, and floor, but the night was also slightly marred by a handful of minor orgy no-nos that I’d like to bring to everyone’s attention. We’re not trying to embarrass anyone here, but by shining a light on these indiscretions we can hopefully avoid such incidents in the future, which, as you can imagine, will result in a smoother and more enjoyable orgy for everyone. And who doesn’t want that, right?

First of all, when we agree on a time, it’s really important that everyone try to be as punctual as possible. Again, we’re not pointing any fingers here, but when most of the group is already partially nude and engaged in some light oral or manual stimulation, the sound of the doorbell buzzer can be downright unnerving. Latecomers will be admitted, but please try your hardest to make it on time. If tardiness cannot be avoided, I would encourage you to disrobe and try to slip into the mix subtly, rather than announcing your entrance with lewd phrases like “Who’s ready to get nastay?” or “The fuckmaster has arrived!” The former is irrelevant (everyone is already getting “nastay” – you’re the one who’s late, remember?) and the latter is simply uncomely.

Assuming you’ve arrived on time (and again: please try your best to be punctual!), you will soon find yourself in a pile of writhing flesh. Good for you! This is what you came here for, isn’t it? It’s time to get out there and show everyone what you’ve got, but although it may look like an anarchic sea of hedonistic impulses, there are some general rules of propriety that we like to advise all of our guests to follow. For starters, while we’re sure that you are quite adept at the physical act of intercourse, yelling things like “Check out my style!” to nobody in particular is probably not the best way to get people to notice. A bit of braggadocio is welcome, even encouraged, but yelling “booyah” or licking your finger and making sizzling sounds while touching your own backside is not on our list of acceptable ways of expressing it.

Also, air-thrusting before the party starts, while waiting in line for the bathroom, or while walking to your car at the end of the night is not necessary. This should be obvious.

One last note regarding climaxing: while we encourage everyone involved to express themselves, making explosion sounds or yelling “whammo” while climaxing is completely unacceptable. Natural guttural sounds can get the point across just fine without souring the experience for those around you.

Again, I’d like to thank everyone for coming out last night and stress that a great time was, for the most part, had by all. Next Sunday is our annual June potluck – feel free to RSVP by responding to this email! Hope to see you all there!

Sincerely,
Hank “The Shank” Harris, Orgymaster



How I Would Attempt To Cure Infectious Diseases If The Entire History Of Medicine Were Somehow Forgotten And People Started Asking Me To Treat Their Maladies For Some Reason.
Thursday May 24th 2007, 1:41 pm
Filed under: jokes,stupidity

PATIENT NAME: Stewart Maleson
SYMPTOMS: Coughing, sneezing, some sort of clear liquid leaking out of the two little holes in the middle of patient’s face.
DIAGNOSIS: Curse from neighbor
PRESCRIPTION: Stuff mouth with dirt, leaves, and shredded newspapers. Cover mouth with duct tape. Sacrifice goat and/or drown neighbors to lift curse.

PATIENT NAME: Renee (no last name)
SYMPTOMS: Red stuff coming out of every square inch of her entire body.
DIAGNOSIS: Monster
PRESCRIPTION: Strip patient, wrap in Bounty “Super Duty” shop towels, crush head with large rock.

PATIENT NAME: Stanley Dix
SYMPTOMS: Throbbing pain, pressure in thing on top of neck.
DIAGNOSIS: Demons inside
PRESCRIPTION: Bore hole in thing on top of neck, suspend upside-down, treat with smoke from burning cedar. Pack with dirt.

PATIENT NAME: Bernie Lomax
SYMPTOMS: Completely unresponsive, stiffness in limbs.
DIAGNOSIS: Death
PRESCRIPTION: A pair of sunglasses and a summer of wacky hijinks with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

PATIENT NAME: Cecilia Barlow
SYMPTOMS: Pains in middle area of body, hot chunky liquid shooting out of main hole in face.
DIAGNOSIS: Don’t know
PRESCRIPTION: Poke with stick, take notes. Congrats – you just started modern medicine.



It Came From Carrot Top’s Prop Closet.
Monday April 02nd 2007, 12:15 pm
Filed under: jokes,stupidity,things that suck

PROP

Miss America’s Crown

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Tara Elizabeth Conner, Miss USA 2006, was involved in a scandal where she was caught drinking underage and using cocaine. Carrot Top, assuming that the audience is aware of this scandal, implies that the Miss America crown should be made out of alcoholic beverages and, hence, makes a joke of a topical nature.

PROP

Viagra Putter

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Viagra (Sildenafil Citrate) is a drug used to treat male erectile dysfunction. Carrot Top has created a golf club with a large indentation in its shaft to accommodate the erections that the drug causes. While Viagra jokes may be dated, erection jokes are timeless, although why someone would take Viagra while playing a round of golf remains unknown.

PROP

Barry Bonds’ Baseball Bat

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Barry Bonds is trying to achieve the all-time home run record, but has also been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. By putting these two aspects of Bonds’ career together in the form of a baseball bat filled with steroids, Carrot Top has created a joke.

PROP

Willy Nelson’s Tour Bus

WHY IT’S FUNNY

On September 18, 2006, a Louisiana police search of his tour bus uncovered 1.5 pounds of marijuana and 0.2 pounds of psychedelic mushrooms. Carrot Top’s model of Nelson’s bus produces copious amounts of smoke that trail out of the back of the bus, which reminds people of the incident in a comical fashion.

PROP

A Hat That Allows You To Watch Nascar When Your Cable Goes Out

WHY IT’S FUNNY

Nascar is regarded by many as a dull and repetitious sport. With this in mind, Carrot Top has created a hat that features toy cars spinning around the wearer’s head. It is implied that this could recreate the experience of watching a Nascar race – a funny notion to say the least.

PROP

A Hat & Beard That Will Make You Look Like A Terrorist So That You Can Get A Seat To Yourself On An Airplane.

WHY IT’S FUNNY

After terrorists hijacked two planes and crashed them into the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, people have been very nervous about flying on airplanes. Particularly so around Arab people. This hat & beard will make you look like an Arab, so people will not want to sit near you on the plane for fear that you will martyr yourself and kill them in the process. As an added bonus, the beard conceals a medicine cabinet for some reason.



Cliffs Notes On The Karate Kid.
Wednesday March 21st 2007, 10:46 am
Filed under: guides,internet crap,jokes,photoshop fun,writing

New article up on Cracked today. That’s all.



Real Amazon Reviews For Real 69 Boyz Albums.
Tuesday February 27th 2007, 12:57 pm
Filed under: internet crap,jokes,music,stupidity,things that suck

You might remember 69 Boyz from such hits as “Let Me Ride That Donkey,” “Tootsie Roll,” and, to a lesser extent, “Kitty Kitty.” They had names like Barry “Fast” Wright” and Rottweiler Mike Mike. They had b-sides with names like “U Need Dick N Your Life,” “Heiny Heiny” and “Woof Woof.” They managed to put out a handful of albums and singles over the years (including a “greatest hits” cd) – if you’re just starting to get into 69 Boyz, you’re probably a little bit nervous. It’s understandable – with so much potential bass in yo face and so much booty in yo pants (too much, really), the obvious first question is “where to begin?” Luckily there are plenty of amazon.com user reviews to point you in the right direction.

 Album: 199Quad

Review Title: The Godfathers of quad thumping music

Reviewer: Marlena Martin (Killeen, TX)

Rating: 5/5

“I’ve always loved the 69 Boyz, they had some of the hottest music and dopest beats. I can’t name one person who wasn’t doing the tootsie roll. If you want to hear good music, please got the first album. It is so heart pumping that you can’t help but dance to it. I’ll be glad when they come back and reclaim their fame. To this day people are still grooving along to the 69 Boyz in their cars with the same enthusiasm.”

Review Title: Tootsie Roll!!!!!

Reviewer: Trisha And Chris Norton (North Dakota)

Rating: 5/5

“We love this CD so much we were listening to Tootsie Roll (our use to be favorite on this album) :o) while we were driving down dirt roads and when the 69 boyz sang to the Left to the Left, to the right to the right, that is exactly which way we we ended up rolling our vehicle over and over to the right :o) Everyone was okay but our new favorite on the CD is KITTY KITTY.”

 Album: The Wait Is Over

Review Title: Hot Bass

Reviewer: J. Patterson (Milwaukee, WI)

Rating: 3.5/5

“I origally got this cd for the song woof woof and I saw them in concert and they tore it up. They took their music to a different level on this one and have many different styles on this cd.some some dont song like bass music at all. Im not a big bass fan music but they still have some good song on here. I like #5,10,23(ft. jt money), 26 is one that I love. Too bad bass music went out and they faded away. Check this cd out.”

 Album: 2069

Review Title: 69 Boyz are Slammin!

Reviewer: “A music fan”

Rating: 5/5

“i bought this cd the very day it came out! i really like this cd. this cd is a very good dance and party cd, with very good beats! i dont have alot to say about it, but the hit single “how we roll” is HOT! i would recamend this cd to anybody!”

Review Title: 69 Boyz are Slammin!

Reviewer: simpyboy (Albany, NY)

Rating: 5/5

“this joint is hott. the beat is good for any party the lyrics and the bass make this a great cd. the 69 boyz are representing the dirty south j-ville and orlando! i would think about this cd before any other.”

 Album: Greatest Hits*

Review Title: bangin tight cd

Reviewer: “A music fan”

Rating: 5/5

“bangin tight cd to get jiggy with it and down and dancing to the music too.”

* I would just like to point out that this album was released on September 11, 2001. Coincidence?

(special thanks to jo for pointing out that 69 Boyz exist)



Buy My Hair (Redux)
Wednesday February 21st 2007, 12:10 am
Filed under: internet crap,jokes,stupidity

 Following last Friday’s ridiculous Britney Spears meltdown (and her subsequent rehab check-in), eBay has been blowing up with listings of people claiming to have locks (even just a few strands) of Britney’s hair for sale. The stories some of these people are telling to explain how they came to possess such an important, maybe even priceless bit of pop culture history seem a little far-fetched to me, even impossible in some cases. Regardless, some of the auctions prices are skyrocketing by the hour (and then being promptly removed by eBay – in the course of writing this, the auction I was going to use for the “skyrocketing by the hour” link has already been pulled down, which means the rest of the links I’ve already managed to cram in here are probably all gone already, too). It’s kind of unfair: not all of us can afford to spend our hard-earned cash to acquire hair that may or may not have actually once been attached to a celebrity. That’s why I’ve decided to selflessly martyr myself, to throw myself onto the sacrificial altar.

I am selling my hair on eBay.

(edit: Apparently, I’m not actually selling my hair on eBay. I posted this earlier in the week, but within a few hours eBay pulled the auction for “keyword spamming” – apparently when you put an auction up on eBay you’re not allowed to describe what the item ISN’T. For example, if you are selling the hair clippings from your next haircut you can’t describe it as “Humor Blogger’s Hair Clippings (Not Britney Spears) NR.” That will get your auction pulled. When I saw the auction had been taken down I deleted this post since, you know, that was kind of the whole point. Luckily, Google managed to cache the auction within those few short hours that it was actually up, so for posterity’s sake I’d like to link to it again. Because this is important. Really, really important.)



Cracked Week Continues.
Thursday October 19th 2006, 12:38 am
Filed under: internet crap,jokes,things that rule

“Jokes: The Rough Cuts” is up today on Cracked.com.  From now on I shall be known as “Ross Wolinsky, Humorist.”  You know… instead of “that short jew.”



Inessential Song Parodies.
Thursday October 05th 2006, 10:29 am
Filed under: jokes,music

Can’t Buy Me Gloves – “Strange” Larry Milatovic

Ain’t Nothin’ But An “F” Thang (I Flunked Physics 101, Baby) – “Abnormal” Frank Dmitrovic

With Or Without Shoes – “Unusual” Arthur Milinkovic

Total Eclipse of Descartes (Sir Isaac Newton) – “Oddball” Steve Gligorijevic

Bruising My Trained Pigeons – “Deck Of 51” Dave Stoianovic

(I Can’t Solve No) Compound Fractions – “Queer” Louis Petranovic

I Will Always Love Glue – “Peculiar” Pete Danielovic

No Woman, No Dye (Your Hair Blonde… You Look Great As a Brunette… No, Really, You Do…) – “Bizarre” Gerald Boljkovac

Paperback Reader – “Irregular” Ivan Milinkovic

We Didn’t Slash Your Tires – “Out Of The Ordinary” Morris Krstulovic

Livin’ La Vida Boca (Burgers) – “Screwy” Hank Randjeiovic