An Open Letter To The Internet Perverts Who Continually Wind Up On My Website By Searching Google For Strange And Filthy Things.
Wednesday March 07th 2007, 11:49 am
Filed under: internet crap,porn,stupidity

Dear Internet Perverts Who Continually Wind Up On My Website By Searching Google For Strange And Filthy Things,

I’m afraid there’s been some sort of misunderstanding. Although you have ended up on my website in the last month by searching for the following, I regret to inform you that I do not have any pictures or videos of:

– pamela and tommy fucking
– free nude pics johnny depp
– pussy plundering movies
– photoshop pussy brushes
– sexiest prostitute
– stupid maid porn
– hairy men
– japanese mass fucking video
– remote control wife bigger boobs
– big nigerian dick porn
– goldie hawn crotch shots
– huge naked tits free pics
– hot hipsters naked
– sexy notary
– honeymoon fucking
– photo fuking oldest man
– twentysomething girls porn blowjobs
– girls depantsed video
– tight pants condi
– big boobs bouncing in slow motion
– britney naked and desperate
– george w bush naked pics

Hopefully this will clear up some of the confusion. Oh – and if you find that “remote control wife bigger boobs” thing, let me know. I’d kind of like to see that.

If You’re The Cable Guy… Why Are You Fucking Me?
Wednesday July 26th 2006, 12:16 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,guides,porn

Last night I watched Wadd: The Life & Times of John C. Holmes. Dude’s life may have actually been more ridiculous than the most outlandish porno plot ever. It got me thinking: porno plots are unbelievably stupid. Great segue, right? Whatever.

A clumsy segue on a blog is relatively painless, but when a clumsy segue consists of awkward dialogue and plot elements that are eventually supposed to lead to hardcore fucking, well, that’s a little different. Wait. Was that a double segue? Jesus Christ.

I guess what I’m trying to say is “check out these stupid porno scenes.”

(instructions: the numbers below correspond to each picture in the slideshow. Follow along as you click through it.)

1. Color Climax: Lessons In Lust. Pretty straightforward title scene. Just a bunch of letters. Nobody is fucking yet at all.

2. A bunch of twenty-something cokeheads sit at desks. One intently studies a blank piece of paper while the girl next to him wears glasses. This makes her a “geek” instead of a “porn slut.” A poster in the background shows a diagram of a fly. They are in Entomology class, and they are all about to have sex with each other.

3. The teacher (who is maybe 2 years older than the students) takes attendance. We know she is the teacher because she’s sitting at the head of the class and she has a pen. She asks the students if any of them also have pens.

4. This guy indicates that he does. He then gets up and approaches the blackboard.

5. He draws this for some reason. This is almost certainly not a fly’s dick.

6. Some other guy comes up, erases the first wang, and draws this one. At this point the lecture has veered completely off subject but nobody seems to mind.

7. Everyone fucks each other.

Moral of the story: If you want your Entomology class to turn into an orgy, draw an enormous ejaculating penis on the blackboard.

For the next set of photos, take a moment to download the audio accompaniment.  You won’t regret it.

1. Two guys sit in what looks like a really cozy Home Depot display (see plant, framed picture) discussing… soccer.  Grab the audio if you haven’t already.  Seriously.  These guys are talking about soccer.

2. This chick walks into the room wearing almost nothing and carrying a plate full of nondescript food.  A closer analysis reveals it to be…

3. A sliced-up burrito for some reason!

4. The “maid” asks if the guys want anything to drink.  They both say they want cocktails, and she goes back to the kitchen to find them some drinks.  This guy then tells the other guy that the half-naked chick with the sliced-up burrito is not his girlfriend (really?).  No, he says.  Believe it or not, she’s actually his maid.  There’s something about this guy that I kinda like for some reason.  He’s the kind of guy who you’d go get a beer with at some shitty bar you’d never be caught dead at otherwise, but then you’d end up having a really good time and feeling bad about texting all your friends “u doin anything? this sux” while he was in the bathroom snorting rails.

5. This guy, on the other hand, looks like a total douchebag.  Those angular sideburns are the worst thing ever.  Regardless, guy #1 asks if he would be interested in fucking his maid.  This guy raises an eyebrow.  “Does a bear shit in the woods?”  More witty banter proceeds, leading ultimately to the question of whether or not the pope shits in the woods as well.  Don’t judge – we’ve all been through this one before.  Just not on camera before tag-teaming some slag.

6. There are no cocktails, the “maid” says, but she offers an alternative: blowjobs.  How a blowjob is an alternative to a cold drink is beyond me, but they seem to have reached a compromise.  The sliced-up burrito is moved out of the way and they all fuck.

Moral of the story: If you make your living room look like a Home Depot display, you’ll get to fuck your friend’s slutty maid.