Cliffs Notes On R. Kelly’s “The Zoo.”
Wednesday July 25th 2007, 8:12 am
Filed under: internet crap,jokes,music,photoshop fun

I have a new article up on Cracked.com today. Go read it.

(article link)

Internal Monologue: Michael Hutchence On November 22, 1997.
Monday July 16th 2007, 11:50 am
Filed under: internal monologues,music

Maybe I should order room service. But what do I want to eat? Nothing really sounds that good… maybe a burger? They always bring it up with one of those tiny glass bottles of ketchup. I love that. Maybe a chicken sandwich? Those come with the little glass ketchup bottle, too. Maybe I’ll just order one of those. Hmm. I guess it just comes down to chicken versus beef. Fuck. You know what? I’m barely hungry, anyway. What’s wrong with you, Hutchence? You want to order room service, what – because you’re bored? If you’re so bored, how about you pull out that guitar and start writing some songs? Isn’t that what you’re doing here, holed up in this hotel? Aren’t you supposed to be writing some songs? Maybe I should write one about ordering room service. Yeah, great idea Hutchence. Just great. That must be why INXS is doing so well right now – because of great ideas like that. Sigh… I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. INXS had a pretty good run. So we’ve hit a rough patch. Big deal! We’ve had a bunch of hits, I’ve been in some movies… we’ve made our mark, I guess. If I were to die today in some sort of freak accident, at least I know that I’d be remembered as the creative genius behind INXS. No doubt. It’s not like I’d be remembered just for the bizarre nature of my own death or anything. That much I can say for sure. Maybe something good is on the tube. Hmm… nothing good on. Big surprise. Oh well. Still got some time to kill. Hmm. Maybe I’ll go engage in some good ol’ autoerotic asphyxiation.

Probably The Sweetest Song Of All Time.
Monday June 18th 2007, 10:16 am
Filed under: brain exploders,music

Ladies and gentlemen… I give you “Real Talk” by R. Kelly.


This is probably exactly what it’s like to have an argument with R. Kelly.

The White Stripes, MP3s, Q101, And A Whole Bunch Of Other Crap.
Friday June 15th 2007, 12:15 pm
Filed under: interviews,music,technology,writing

I have an article in the Chicago Reader this week. You can read it online here.

The Human Horn.
Thursday June 14th 2007, 10:53 am
Filed under: bizarre,failure,music

I would like to direct all of you to Shooby.com, an online repository for all things Shooby Taylor (aka The Human Horn). Shooby aspired to be a scat singer, and he had a very, erm, distinctive style. Here is the only known video of him performing. It was filmed at the Apollo.

[gv data=”AugycRmBLBQ”][/gv]


Shooby recorded a handful of tracks in the 80s (which are available here – check out “Lift Every Voice”), but he never quite made it into the industry. He died in 2003, but his legend lives on. You know – on the internet.

Rest in peace, Shooby.

Good Hip-Hop Hook, Bad Hip-Hop Hook.
Tuesday June 05th 2007, 11:47 am
Filed under: music,things that suck

Good Hip-Hop Hook: “Bow Wow Wow Yippie Yo Yippie Yay.”
Bad Hip-Hop Hook: “Good Googly Moogly, That Thang Is Juicy.”

Good Hip-Hop Hook: “I Gotta Stay Fly-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay Until I Die-ie-ie-ie-ie-ie-ie-ie.”
Bad Hip-Hop Hook: “Good Googly Moogly, That Thang Is Juicy.”

Good Hip-Hop Hook: “It’s Bigger Than Hip… Hop…”
Bad Hip-Hop Hook: “Good Googly Moogly, That Thang Is Juicy.”

Good Hip-Hop Hook: “Throw Your Hands In The Air And Wave ‘Em Like You Just Don’t Care.”
Bad Hip-Hop Hook: “Good Googly Moogly, That Thang Is Juicy.”


Just A Juggalo.
Tuesday May 01st 2007, 12:16 pm
Filed under: music,stupidity,things that suck

The Insane Clown Posse played a big concert in my neighborhood over the weekend. As a result, there were Juggalos everywhere. Juggalos are a lot like you and I, except they listen to the shittiest music on the planet and they paint their faces like they’re evil clowns and their parents are siblings. A lot of people are probably scared of Juggalos, and with good reason, too! Juggalos look scary! Don’t be fooled, though. When you look at a Juggalo, just remember: Underneath the face paint, oversized hockey jerseys & shorts, tiny braids, and sticky Faygo residue is a human being just like you or I.

These two met sophomore year at Shoney’s. She was waiting tables there and he was throwing a brick through the window. She helped him make bail and the two have been inseparable ever since. It was the girl (a “Juggalette” and not a “Juggaho”) that got down with the clown first. She was all “just come with me to one show,” but he told her he thought it was kind of weird. In all honesty, he was actually scared of the whole Juggalo scene. Raised as a devout Catholic, dude knew that evil clowns and Faygo were NOT a part of the path to righteousness, but then again, neither was breaking windows at the local Shoney’s. He gave it a shot – now he’s hooked, and he isn’t afraid to let you know it. While they identify with ICP culture, they use blue face paint to express their individuality. She prefers Violent J – he prefers Shaggy 2 Dope. The original odd couple.

This guy is looking for a good time and knows exactly where to find it. Got down with the clown through his cool uncle, who also got him down with SoCo, chaw, and an old stack of Barely Legal magazines (dude’s tight). Could take or leave the face paint in all honesty, but digs the oversized shorts and lyrics about fucking. Isn’t sure what he wants to do with his life, but knows he could never take a job that doesn’t understand that he’ll always be a Juggalo first and an employee second. One time at school a jock called him a faggot and he jumped up and started reciting the lyrics from “Chicken Huntin’.” After the jock punched him in the jaw he realized they used to be best friends in grade school. In his head, the incident symbolized his full immersion into Juggalo culture. Drives a sweet truck but ejaculates prematurely. Likes Taco Bell but hates vegetables. His old man is alright but his mom is a total bitch. Considers himself a “pretty good fighter” and has a carefully-concealed Pearl Jam CD in his collection. Prefers Shaggy 2 Dope.

These guys are tough as fucking nails. The one on the right has a really big truck with some bumper stickers that are so nastay I’m not even comfortable describing them. These are some nastay bumper stickers. Truly profane, and you know what? These two wouldn’t have it any other way. They love swearin’, muddin’, and gettin’ all hyper on the Faygo and going nutz. Both raised by single parents. Both have experimented with alcohol, marijuana, glue, and just being into regular shitty music instead of spectacularly shitty music. The one on the right envies the one on the left’s makeup-applying abilities. The one on the left stole his dad’s girlfriend’s cosmetics case to learn how. They have never shared a homoerotic experience, but they have both imagined what it would be like. When the one on the left pictures it, they are both 20 pounds lighter. Both prefer Violent J.

These three are a mixed bag. The one on the right doesn’t even like ICP – he’s just in it for the Faygo and the Juggahos. The one in the middle could take or leave the music but is really into the mythology. The one in the back actually prefers the opening band, Twiztid. So why, you ask, are they hanging out together? Where’s the common thread that binds them? Easy – they all love getting hyper on soda and scammin’ on the trashiest Juggahos they can find. Sometimes they stay up late smoking nutmeg and talking about how cool it is that they’re friends even though they’re so different from one another. One time in LaFayette they found a dead squirrel in some bushes next to the gas station. The one in the front picked it up and was going to throw it at this one dude, but the dude got in his truck and drove off before he had a chance to throw it, so he just put it back in the bushes, went into the gas station, and bought some Nerds and some Pop Rocks and some soda. Then they put the Nerds and the Pop Rocks in the soda and chugged the sodas with the Nerds and the Pop Rocks in them and got ALL HYPERRRRRRR!!!

Ghost Ride The Prius.
Thursday April 26th 2007, 10:24 am
Filed under: brain exploders,music

Some friends and I were discussing hyphy the other day at a bbq. The discussion was mostly based around a simple question: What the hell is it? I think by the end of the conversation we had decided that a song becomes hyphy whenever the rapper says the word “hyphy,” except in Mims’ “This Is Why I’m Hot” where he mentions hyphy, but only to point out that he’s capable of performing in a “hyphy” style. Which is all to say that none of us have any idea what exactly hyphy is.

Luckily, some guy named Ken Tucker does!

According to Ken Tucker, a music critic for NPR’s Fresh Air, Hyphy is…

– “an abstract-expressionist version of hip hop.”

– “A kind of movie soundtrack for an urban party scene.”

– “airy absurdism.”

– “A party that doesn’t stop… with each guest trying to wear the biggest, loudest lampshade on his or her head.”

– “genially rambunctious.”

Thanks, Ken Tucker! Where were you when we were grillin’ out?!


What Mike Sullivan Has.
Monday April 23rd 2007, 1:46 pm
Filed under: music,things that rule,toys

In addition to totally shredding in Russian Circles, Mike Sullivan also has this just sitting in his bedroom like it’s not a big deal at all.

[gv data=”8qCaduejD1k”][/gv]

This Is Why I’m Hot.
Monday April 16th 2007, 3:15 pm
Filed under: music

You ain’t cuz you not.