This Just In (Like 70 Years Ago): John Dillinger Didn’t Have A Huge Wang But A Bunch Of People Thought He Did.
Thursday May 31st 2007, 12:34 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,chicago,media,old timey stuff

In our increasingly media-savvy (not to mention human anatomy-savvy) culture, could this mistake ever be repeated again? When we catch Osama Bin Laden (yeah right) and autopsy photos inevitably get leaked, is there any chance that a rigor mortis-stiffened arm could possibly be mistaken for a 2-foot-long wang? Did anyone watching the videos of Saddam Hussein being hung think it was a double entendre? I think not, but I would love to be proven wrong on this one.

Click the image for the full story if you haven’t already. Oh, and if anyone has a clip of the Wonder Years episode where Kevin Arnold and his friends apparently talk about John Dillinger’s legendary penis, please let me know.

(thanks Joel!)

Reading On May 4th.
Tuesday May 01st 2007, 2:04 pm
Filed under: chicago,zines

This Friday I’ll be reading with a bunch of those crazy zine kids at Quimby’s. If you’re not doing anything and you’re in Chicago you should come out and say hi.

Fish Fry Reading Series
Friday May 4th 7PM @ Quimby’s

with zine readings by:

Wesley Stokes (I Often Think of Them When It Snows)
Dave Fried (Black Carrot, Save Your Fork, There’s Pie!) Daniel Gleason (all them books he writes…)
Ross Wolinsky (Hypocritical Mass)
Matt Guack (Next Stop Adventure!)

Cabrini Heat.
Tuesday May 01st 2007, 1:35 pm
Filed under: chicago,videos

The projects are terrifying. Seriously.

Things That Suck: U.S. Patent #5,620,429.
Friday April 06th 2007, 10:58 am
Filed under: brain exploders,chicago,internet crap,technology,things that suck

 Dudes have two options when Aunt Flow comes to visit their babes: put up or shut up. That’s been enough, those two choices, since the dawn of man. You either roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty or say “yucky” and wait a few days. That’s how it is. That’s how it’s always been. Or, if you ask some freak named Abdul A. Al-Saleh from Saudi Arabia, that’s how it’s been for FAR TOO LONG. Al-Saleh thinks two choices is bullshit. Al-Saleh wants to have his cake and eat it too. Al-Saleh is probably a very strange guy to those who know him personally.

I don’t think I have to tell you what U.S. Patent #5,620,429 is. I think the picture speaks for itself, at least conceptually, although the actual physicality of how such a contraption might work completely eludes me. The abstract explains a bit:

The round bag has an opening and rings, windings and protrusions, as well as a suitable cream…. The fixing extension is placed between the rumps and may be coated by an adhesive material.

Oh, I get it now. The fixing extension goes between the rumps. Where in this patent does it explain who in their right fucking mind would ever consider banging this thing? Did he think about that at all? Maybe that’s why the patent was filed ten years ago and, bafflingly enough, you still can’t find Al-Saleh’s magnificent contraption at Walgreens or CVS. Maybe two choices was enough all along! We’ll put up or shut up, but we won’t fuck bags. Sorry, Al-Saleh. U.S. Patent #5,620,429 sucks.

Times Is Rough.
Tuesday May 16th 2006, 9:17 am
Filed under: chicago,internet crap

I’ve been in some tight spots before, but it’s good to know I haven’t hit rock bottom yet. From Craigslist Missed Connections:

The guy who took a shit under my porch Saturday night – 32

Date: 2006-05-15, 5:45PM

I didn’t call the cops on you because I kinda felt bad for anybody who has to take shits in condo gangways, and you seemed pretty embarrassed when I called you on it. I didn’t see any need for the 14th district’s finest to beat you up for pooping on some yuppie’s doormat.

Sorry your life is so crap that you don’t have your own bathroom. I kind of feel for you, but maybe you could find someplace a little more private than our rather well-lit gangway for your next poo-poo break.

  • this is in or around Humboldt Park

    no — it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests