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Notes on Skyscraper.
Wednesday March 28th 2007, 10:09 am
Filed under: guides,movies,things that suck

The Movie: Skyscraper
The Star: Anna Nicole Smith
The Outtakes: Awesome

11:44 pm

The idea that Anna Nicole Smith could ever pilot a helicopter is completely fucking preposterous.

11:46 pm

I wonder who the hottest female helicopter pilot of all time was in real life?

11:47 pm

Apparently Anna Nicole was an Associate Producer on this movie. Is that why it exists?

11:50 pm

Is there a “D” list? Are these “D” list actors? When do they stop being “actors” on a “list” and start just being “dudes”? At any rate, there are a lot of explosions going on right now.

11:52 pm

Why are uzis always the “bad guy” guns? Just once I’d like to see a movie where the good guys get the uzis.

11:53 pm

So far the action sequences in this movie have been disappointingly good.

11:55 pm

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have bare Anna Nicole tits! Over!

11:56 pm

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have really awkward simulated sex! Over!

12:01 am

Basic plot so far: Anna Nicole is a helicopter pilot, and her cop boyfriend doesn’t want to have a baby. Also, there are all these other guys with bazookas and uzis who are killing each other and blowing up each others’ cars over a briefcase full of something important. Also, Anna Nicole Smith has ridiculously huge tits.

12:07 am

I’m pretty sure most of the actors in this movie have also been in pornos.

12:11 am

Someone add this to the “Memorable Quotes” section of Skyscraper’s IMDB page: “I’m gonna shove your teeth so far down your skinny little throat you’ll be shitting molars for a month!”

12:15 am

Two people have already fallen off of buildings. Maybe that’s why they called it Skyscraper.

12:17 am

Yet another quote for the IMDB page: “Don’t move, or I’ll put a bullet up your ass so far you’ll be pissing out your nose!”

12:24 am

Do terrorists always wear leather pants?

12:35 am

This movie sucks.

12:40 am

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have Anna Nicole tits! Over!

12:41 am

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have really awkward simulated sex! Over!

12:56 am

This movie did NOT need a Shakespeare-quoting villain. It was already plenty smart.

12:59 am

When in doubt, throw in some more bazookas.

1:14 am

Despite all the snarky comments, I’ve gotta hand it to the people who made this film – it’s definitely about an hour and a half long and it totally has lines of dialogue.

1:18 am

Those credits mean I get to go to bed now, right?



Notes On Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Junior.
Thursday March 22nd 2007, 12:00 pm
Filed under: guides,movies,stupidity

 11:28pm

First reason to like Junior:

– pee joke within the first 2 minutes.

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11:35pm

– Arnold is a doctor who studies monkey pregnancies. This is just part of the plot. I’m not making a joke here.

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11:39pm

– I wonder if it is hard to deliver lines of dialogue with conviction in a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger getting pregnant.

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11:41pm

– I’m not sure if I can watch this entire movie.

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11:47pm

– Do all scientists have monkeys? No matter what? Because I don’t understand why the new scientist who took Schwarzenegger’s old lab after he lost his funding for the pregnancy drug would (or could) just keep his old monkeys.

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 11:50pm

– Even if this new drug is really spectacular, how it could make Arnold pregnant? Is the fetus growing in his intestines? And if not, where?

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11:53pm

– Another pee joke.

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11:55pm

– Arnold just said “My nipples are very sensitive.” This movie is weird.

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11:58pm

– For all the typing that I’m doing right now jotting down these notes, somebody did a lot more typing when they wrote the script for this movie. That blows my mind.

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12:03am

– Am I seriously watching a movie where the current governor of California’s out-of-wack hormones make him cry during a sad movie because he’s pregnant?

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 12:07am

– Did I mention that I’m not sure if I can watch this entire movie?

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12:19am

– Quick plot recap: Arnold and his partner (Danny DeVito) are scientists who lose their research funding for a new pregnancy drug. To secure funding, they decide to impregnate Arnold and have him take the drug to collect data. Arnold is supposed to stop taking the medicine before the end of his first trimester, but being pregnant makes him feel more vibrant and alive than he ever had before so he decides to keep taking the medicine. He decides to have his baby. In other words, Junior is actually a movie about a scientist who goes completely batshit insane.

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12:24am

– Arnold’s German word for “boner”: “Schteifen.”

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12:27am

– I wonder where the fat suit Arnold wore in this movie is now?

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 12:30am

– Arnold forces Danny DeVito to take it back after he says that Arnold should have stopped taking the medicine when he was supposed to (in other words, when he says that Arnold should have aborted the fetus). Maybe the religious right could use this movie to spread their message? Or… gasp… maybe it IS the religious right spreading their message!

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12:42am

– Arnold says “My body, my choice.” I guess it’s not the religious right. After he says it, he throws the evil research director through a rack full of beakers.

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12:46am

– I bet this movie is really unpopular in the GLBT community.

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1:04am

– When the baby is born, it looks pretty real. All covered in that baby mucus stuff. Did they slather it in vaseline or something?

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1:11am

– Last joke in the movie: maybe Danny DeVito should have a baby!

——-

1:14am

– I want the last 109 minutes of my life back.



Cliffs Notes On The Karate Kid.
Wednesday March 21st 2007, 10:46 am
Filed under: guides,internet crap,jokes,photoshop fun,writing

New article up on Cracked today. That’s all.



If You’re The Cable Guy… Why Are You Fucking Me?
Wednesday July 26th 2006, 12:16 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,guides,porn

Last night I watched Wadd: The Life & Times of John C. Holmes. Dude’s life may have actually been more ridiculous than the most outlandish porno plot ever. It got me thinking: porno plots are unbelievably stupid. Great segue, right? Whatever.

A clumsy segue on a blog is relatively painless, but when a clumsy segue consists of awkward dialogue and plot elements that are eventually supposed to lead to hardcore fucking, well, that’s a little different. Wait. Was that a double segue? Jesus Christ.

I guess what I’m trying to say is “check out these stupid porno scenes.”

(instructions: the numbers below correspond to each picture in the slideshow. Follow along as you click through it.)

1. Color Climax: Lessons In Lust. Pretty straightforward title scene. Just a bunch of letters. Nobody is fucking yet at all.

2. A bunch of twenty-something cokeheads sit at desks. One intently studies a blank piece of paper while the girl next to him wears glasses. This makes her a “geek” instead of a “porn slut.” A poster in the background shows a diagram of a fly. They are in Entomology class, and they are all about to have sex with each other.

3. The teacher (who is maybe 2 years older than the students) takes attendance. We know she is the teacher because she’s sitting at the head of the class and she has a pen. She asks the students if any of them also have pens.

4. This guy indicates that he does. He then gets up and approaches the blackboard.

5. He draws this for some reason. This is almost certainly not a fly’s dick.

6. Some other guy comes up, erases the first wang, and draws this one. At this point the lecture has veered completely off subject but nobody seems to mind.

7. Everyone fucks each other.

Moral of the story: If you want your Entomology class to turn into an orgy, draw an enormous ejaculating penis on the blackboard.


For the next set of photos, take a moment to download the audio accompaniment.  You won’t regret it.

1. Two guys sit in what looks like a really cozy Home Depot display (see plant, framed picture) discussing… soccer.  Grab the audio if you haven’t already.  Seriously.  These guys are talking about soccer.

2. This chick walks into the room wearing almost nothing and carrying a plate full of nondescript food.  A closer analysis reveals it to be…

3. A sliced-up burrito for some reason!

4. The “maid” asks if the guys want anything to drink.  They both say they want cocktails, and she goes back to the kitchen to find them some drinks.  This guy then tells the other guy that the half-naked chick with the sliced-up burrito is not his girlfriend (really?).  No, he says.  Believe it or not, she’s actually his maid.  There’s something about this guy that I kinda like for some reason.  He’s the kind of guy who you’d go get a beer with at some shitty bar you’d never be caught dead at otherwise, but then you’d end up having a really good time and feeling bad about texting all your friends “u doin anything? this sux” while he was in the bathroom snorting rails.

5. This guy, on the other hand, looks like a total douchebag.  Those angular sideburns are the worst thing ever.  Regardless, guy #1 asks if he would be interested in fucking his maid.  This guy raises an eyebrow.  “Does a bear shit in the woods?”  More witty banter proceeds, leading ultimately to the question of whether or not the pope shits in the woods as well.  Don’t judge – we’ve all been through this one before.  Just not on camera before tag-teaming some slag.

6. There are no cocktails, the “maid” says, but she offers an alternative: blowjobs.  How a blowjob is an alternative to a cold drink is beyond me, but they seem to have reached a compromise.  The sliced-up burrito is moved out of the way and they all fuck.

Moral of the story: If you make your living room look like a Home Depot display, you’ll get to fuck your friend’s slutty maid.