I’ll Be (Hitting It From The) Back.
Friday August 03rd 2007, 3:14 pm
Filed under: bizarre,brain exploders,movies,technology,things that rule

Apologies for the lousy headline, but I was so excited to get a link up to these pictures of Terminators boning each other that I just couldn’t help myself.

Many more here. The binary code under the photos contains secret messages, too (if you’re bored enough to convert it).

(via geekologie)

Things That Suck: Every Single Trailer I Saw Last Night Before The Simpsons Movie.
Thursday August 02nd 2007, 8:40 am
Filed under: advertising,movies,things that suck

Was the absolutely staggering increase in advertising before movies incremental, or did they just lay it all down at once? I don’t go to the movies all that often, but it seems like every time I do the amount of bullshit they play before the movie gets a little longer and a lot more annoying. I don’t think they used to play commercials for fabric softener and life insurance before movies, did they? I remember there always being trailers, but didn’t all the trailers used to be for… umm… movies? You know – because you were at a movie theater? Now they’re hawking TV shows, products and services, and they’re not even doing it in a widescreen format. They just leave black bars on either side of the screen. How long before they start using those bars to play other, smaller ads? Maybe I should write them a letter and suggest it. As it stands, it’s kind of a waste.

We went to go see The Simpsons Movie last night (which was okay), and we were advised to line up a good half hour before the movie started. What that meant was that we ended up enduring a full hour of dumbed-down movie trivia (one of the answers was actually “The Simpsons Movie” – wrap your head around that one) and advertising. After a half hour of trivia and celebrity quotes and Coke ads, we were actually relieved when the lights dimmed and – gasp – they started playing actual advertisements. You know – ones with pictures that actually move. Geena Davis told us that if we bought refreshments something charitable would happen (can’t remember what), Tide is fucking awesome, and a bunch of TV shows I will never watch will be airing in September. Then finally, after a mind-numbling 15 minutes or so, we finally got to the main course: trailers for other movies. Here’s a quick rundown.

Alvin & The Chipmunks

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In 1958, Ross Bagdasarian (who also recorded the hit song “The Witch Doctor”) figured out that speeding up an audio track of a person singing sounds funny. The discovery won him two Grammy Awards, a long-running cartoon spinoff, and the distinguished position of Most Annoying Man Of The 20th Century. 50 years later, it looks like children are just as stupid and easy to please as they were back then. It also looks like Jason Lee’s career is over.

The Game Plan

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Did you miss The Pacifier because you thought it looked like the most retarded thing ever, or because you were just waiting for someone to make the same movie with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson instead of Vin Diesel? Let me explain to you why it’s funny: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is very manly, and parenting (especially a daughter) is for chicks. Also noteworthy: “The Rock” is starting to use his actual birth name in conjunction with his wrestling name. Did somebody say “serious acting aspirations”?


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A meteor crashes into the Earth but it turns out that it’s an angel and there’s magic and witches and shit like that. Oh, and Robert De Niro is a space pirate. It’s like they force-fed a French guy some ecstasy, threw him in front of a word processor and said “just type whatever sounds cool to you right now.”

Fred Claus

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This one looks like it’s going to fall into the “naughty Christmas movie” genre established by movies like “Bad Santa,” “Badder Santa,” and “Badder Santa: The Unrated Version” (in which Billy Bob Thornton murders every other character in the movie with an axe while swearing a lot (with hilarious results)), Fred Claus is about Santa Claus’s relationship with his brother (Vince Vaughn), who doesn’t wear a red suit, doesn’t have a beard, and does not deliver presents to children. Instead, the eponymous Fred Claus looks, talks, and acts exactly like Vince Vaughn. You know – like a dude. I’m not even gonna talk shit about this one, actually, because after enduring the crap listed above, this one actually seemed like it might be worth watching.

Good lord. Every single trailer I saw last night before The Simpsons Movie sucked.

If Jack Sparrow Had Downs Syndrome…
Sunday June 10th 2007, 2:01 pm
Filed under: art,brain exploders,movies

He would probably look a little bit like this hand-decorated Pirates of the Carribean cookie I bought at 7-Eleven last night.

Laugh if you want, but I think that’s pretty good for a nine-year-old Indonesian child who has never even heard of Johnny Depp before. Plus you KNOW she decorated like 8,000 cookies that day and only earned like 60 cents. Cut her some slack.

What’s Wrong With This Picture?
Wednesday April 11th 2007, 12:15 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,movies,things that suck

Pretty much everything.

I Will Not Rent A Movie If…
Tuesday April 03rd 2007, 8:35 pm
Filed under: movies

Anything in it is describe as “kooky.”

I Will Rent A Movie If…
Tuesday April 03rd 2007, 8:30 pm
Filed under: movies

It is Leprechaun In The Hood.

Notes on Skyscraper.
Wednesday March 28th 2007, 10:09 am
Filed under: guides,movies,things that suck

The Movie: Skyscraper
The Star: Anna Nicole Smith
The Outtakes: Awesome

11:44 pm

The idea that Anna Nicole Smith could ever pilot a helicopter is completely fucking preposterous.

11:46 pm

I wonder who the hottest female helicopter pilot of all time was in real life?

11:47 pm

Apparently Anna Nicole was an Associate Producer on this movie. Is that why it exists?

11:50 pm

Is there a “D” list? Are these “D” list actors? When do they stop being “actors” on a “list” and start just being “dudes”? At any rate, there are a lot of explosions going on right now.

11:52 pm

Why are uzis always the “bad guy” guns? Just once I’d like to see a movie where the good guys get the uzis.

11:53 pm

So far the action sequences in this movie have been disappointingly good.

11:55 pm

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have bare Anna Nicole tits! Over!

11:56 pm

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have really awkward simulated sex! Over!

12:01 am

Basic plot so far: Anna Nicole is a helicopter pilot, and her cop boyfriend doesn’t want to have a baby. Also, there are all these other guys with bazookas and uzis who are killing each other and blowing up each others’ cars over a briefcase full of something important. Also, Anna Nicole Smith has ridiculously huge tits.

12:07 am

I’m pretty sure most of the actors in this movie have also been in pornos.

12:11 am

Someone add this to the “Memorable Quotes” section of Skyscraper’s IMDB page: “I’m gonna shove your teeth so far down your skinny little throat you’ll be shitting molars for a month!”

12:15 am

Two people have already fallen off of buildings. Maybe that’s why they called it Skyscraper.

12:17 am

Yet another quote for the IMDB page: “Don’t move, or I’ll put a bullet up your ass so far you’ll be pissing out your nose!”

12:24 am

Do terrorists always wear leather pants?

12:35 am

This movie sucks.

12:40 am

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have Anna Nicole tits! Over!

12:41 am

Eagle to nest! Eagle to nest! We have really awkward simulated sex! Over!

12:56 am

This movie did NOT need a Shakespeare-quoting villain. It was already plenty smart.

12:59 am

When in doubt, throw in some more bazookas.

1:14 am

Despite all the snarky comments, I’ve gotta hand it to the people who made this film – it’s definitely about an hour and a half long and it totally has lines of dialogue.

1:18 am

Those credits mean I get to go to bed now, right?

Yet Another Post About Junior.
Thursday March 22nd 2007, 10:30 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,movies,stupidity

I can’t believe it either. A third post about what may very well be the crappiest movie ever made. Once this is done, I will have officially spent more time thinking about this film than any of the people involved in its production.

I was thinking about those soundboards – you know, the ones that were really funny a few years ago. They always took samples from the classics (T2, Commando, Kindergarten Cop), but for some reason Junior was grossly underrepresented. Why might that be? It’s chock-full of great clips!

I’m not gonna put one together or anything (that would be an absolutely outrageous waste of time – the movie is WAY too stupid to deserve such attention), but here’s a little montage with a few of the possibilities.


And with that, let us never speak of Junior ever again.

(edit: for some reason the mp3 is playing back way too slow, but you know what? I am not putting any more time, effort, or thought into a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger having a baby.)

Notes On Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Junior.
Thursday March 22nd 2007, 12:00 pm
Filed under: guides,movies,stupidity


First reason to like Junior:

– pee joke within the first 2 minutes.



– Arnold is a doctor who studies monkey pregnancies. This is just part of the plot. I’m not making a joke here.



– I wonder if it is hard to deliver lines of dialogue with conviction in a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger getting pregnant.



– I’m not sure if I can watch this entire movie.



– Do all scientists have monkeys? No matter what? Because I don’t understand why the new scientist who took Schwarzenegger’s old lab after he lost his funding for the pregnancy drug would (or could) just keep his old monkeys.



– Even if this new drug is really spectacular, how it could make Arnold pregnant? Is the fetus growing in his intestines? And if not, where?



– Another pee joke.



– Arnold just said “My nipples are very sensitive.” This movie is weird.



– For all the typing that I’m doing right now jotting down these notes, somebody did a lot more typing when they wrote the script for this movie. That blows my mind.



– Am I seriously watching a movie where the current governor of California’s out-of-wack hormones make him cry during a sad movie because he’s pregnant?



– Did I mention that I’m not sure if I can watch this entire movie?



– Quick plot recap: Arnold and his partner (Danny DeVito) are scientists who lose their research funding for a new pregnancy drug. To secure funding, they decide to impregnate Arnold and have him take the drug to collect data. Arnold is supposed to stop taking the medicine before the end of his first trimester, but being pregnant makes him feel more vibrant and alive than he ever had before so he decides to keep taking the medicine. He decides to have his baby. In other words, Junior is actually a movie about a scientist who goes completely batshit insane.



– Arnold’s German word for “boner”: “Schteifen.”



– I wonder where the fat suit Arnold wore in this movie is now?



– Arnold forces Danny DeVito to take it back after he says that Arnold should have stopped taking the medicine when he was supposed to (in other words, when he says that Arnold should have aborted the fetus). Maybe the religious right could use this movie to spread their message? Or… gasp… maybe it IS the religious right spreading their message!



– Arnold says “My body, my choice.” I guess it’s not the religious right. After he says it, he throws the evil research director through a rack full of beakers.



– I bet this movie is really unpopular in the GLBT community.



– When the baby is born, it looks pretty real. All covered in that baby mucus stuff. Did they slather it in vaseline or something?



– Last joke in the movie: maybe Danny DeVito should have a baby!



– I want the last 109 minutes of my life back.

Why You Shouldn’t Mix Drinking And Movie Queue Updating.
Wednesday March 21st 2007, 12:17 pm
Filed under: internet crap,movies

Who am I kidding? I can’t fucking wait.