Things That Suck: Weekly World News Is Over.
There’s always been a place in my heart for Weekly World News. When it came to those less-reported stories, there just wasn’t anywhere else to turn. Who broke Bat Boy? When space aliens met with Clinton, who had the gall to report on it? Forget the hip and would-be “radical” rags you find in the anarchist bookstores. For the real scoop, you needed to look no farther than your local grocery checkout line.
But now those days are over. Gone are the days of Bat Boy, Elvis sightings and the world’s fattest baby. When Osama Bin Laden is found – in one of George Bush’s myriad secret homosexual love dens – who is going to report it? Who is going to publish Ed Anger‘s latest screeds? NYT? WaPo? I think not, my friends. The Weekly World News is over, and you know what? That really sucks.
Well… kinda. I guess I haven’t actually bought one in like six years.
This Just In (Like 70 Years Ago): John Dillinger Didn’t Have A Huge Wang But A Bunch Of People Thought He Did.
In our increasingly media-savvy (not to mention human anatomy-savvy) culture, could this mistake ever be repeated again? When we catch Osama Bin Laden (yeah right) and autopsy photos inevitably get leaked, is there any chance that a rigor mortis-stiffened arm could possibly be mistaken for a 2-foot-long wang? Did anyone watching the videos of Saddam Hussein being hung think it was a double entendre? I think not, but I would love to be proven wrong on this one.
Click the image for the full story if you haven’t already. Oh, and if anyone has a clip of the Wonder Years episode where Kevin Arnold and his friends apparently talk about John Dillinger’s legendary penis, please let me know.
Kasper Hauser Parodies TAL Again. Also, Something Else Completely Unrelated.
Kasper Hauser has put up another parody of This American Life. These guys are freakin’ awesome.
Also, Pravda (a Russian paper founded by Leon Trotsky in 1908) is doing some very interesting reporting on the Don Imus scandal. So interesting, in fact, that trying to read their article has given me a migraine and blurred vision.
Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate.
I’m admittedly at least a week behind the rest of the internet in posting anything about Kenneth Eng, self-declared “Asian supremacist” and “God of the Universe.” Sure, his little column was bigoted and insensitive, but taken at face value that’s not really much of a story. What would I title the post? “Asian Guy Hates Blacks?” What a snoozer! I had the whole thing written off last week as a news blip, a sensational morsel in the sea of info insanity. Then I found out that he has an Amazon blog and once wrote a book called “Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate.” Suddenly, my interested was piqued. “Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate?” Really? Let me reiterate:
“Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate.”
Here’s a quote from his blog on the subject of religion:
“Let’s look at the muslim religion. They believe that music, dance, naked women and other such things are “indecent”. They think that some creature called “allah” will bring them peace, yadda, yadda, yadda. They think that if they bow every day, they will somehow be transported to a place called “heaven”, where everyone looks conspicuously human. I don’t know about you, but I masturbate all the time. It’s not going to affect me in any way, aside from making me need to take baths more often. And listening to O Fortuna will not make my head explode. Nor will spitting at every church I see make my intestines burst out of my abdomen.”
So now everyone is outraged, but I will forgive him for all of this because one of the dragons on the cover of his book is holding a gun. I like that.
They Don’t Teach You About Swamp Rabbits In History Class.
Click image for full story, and here for a picture of Jimmy Carter totally flipping out on a boat. (comic via xkcd)
The Internet Knows Everything About Everything (Except Why People Cry, Which It Can Never Comprehend).
Back in September I posted a video of a TV pirating incident from 1987. It features a Max Headroom impostor talking gibberish for a while, pulling out his ass, and getting spanked with a fly swatter. If I had to use just one word to describe it, that’s a no brainer: “awesome.”
No, wait: “shred.”
There was no context for the video, no explanation whatsoever. Go figure – it’s a clip of a local broadcast from two decades ago where some dude pulls out his ass. Can you really expect much background information for that? Could there really be that much more to say about it?
Of course there is. This is the internet, remember?
Click the picture of Max Headroom for the full history of a fairly minor pirating incident from twenty years ago, courtesy of Damn Interesting.
Okay, Let’s Try This Again.
My quiz “What’s Attacking You?” is in the new issue of Cracked. This time I’m for real. It’s got Mel Gibson on the cover and Maddox is on the page facing mine and it looks fucking awesome. Go buy it. They’ve got it at Borders and Barnes & Noble. Pwnage.
On May 6, Perry, Georgia will host the 12th annual Georgia Lineman’s Rodeo. Events include the “Hurt Man’s Rescue,” “Transformer Change,” and the always-popular “Conductor Tie-In & Arrester Installation.” A 23 month-old baby released his first CD, “Go Baby!” Ralphe Armstrong, who played bass on the CD, described the baby as the “reincarnation of drummers like Buddy Rich or Tony Williams… It frightens me he is so good.” The fastest man in the world drinks Nutrilite, and the American College of Radiology announced that Tom Cruise is in no way qualified to perform an ultrasound. Old Navy has announced a nationwide search for a new “spokesdog,” and Cocktails By Jenn, maker of ready-to-drink flavored vodka martini mixes, has announced that “girls’ night is alive and kicking.”
Because knowledge is a weapon, folks. Use it wisely.
(previous PR Roundup here)
Your Brain Is About To Explode.
Meet the Fuccon family. They’re just like any other TV family, except for one fairly significant detail: they’re mannequins.
According to the website, “Oh! Mikey” is “the story of a three-mannequin American family who has moved to Japan.” They’ve released a DVD set with English subtitles, which I need more than anything on Earth right now. You know why? Because this show is one of the most mind-bendingly bizarre awesome things I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Seriously. When are American TV producers going to wake up and realize that making people eat bugs and ox testicles isn’t really that cool anymore? I’ll tell you when – as soon as they see this show. Someone was gracious enough to throw a nice 35 minute chunk of it online. Check it out – so unbelievably awesome your brain is going to explode and then the chunks will melt and you won’t even care because at least you’ll be watching “Oh! Mikey!”
link (via TV in Japan)
Timing Is Everything.
Let me set up a timeline for you: South Park Episode #137, “Trapped In The Closet,” airs on November 16, 2005. The episode bashes Scientology. Then March 13, 2006 – almost four months later – Isaac Hayes, a known Scientologist, announces that he’s quitting the show. A few days later, the episode is mysteriously yanked off the air. Why did it take four months for the pot to boil over? If Tom Cruise was behind the episode getting pulled, why didn’t he take action after the show aired for the first time in November? Then March 20, some guy at Fox says Hayes DIDN’T quit the show. How confusing! Thank god it’s all getting plenty of press coverage to help us make sense of it!
Oh, and coincidentally, the first episode of South Park’s new season airs tonight. That’s weird, isn’t it?