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A Eulogy For Saparmurat Niyazov, The Former Authoritarian President Of Turkmenistan Who I Had Never Heard Of Until About 10 O’Clock This Morning.
Thursday December 21st 2006, 1:31 pm
Filed under: eulogies,news,politics,stupidity

 When I heard this morning that Saparmurat Niyazov had died of a heart attack, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Dead?” I thought to myself, “Saparmurat? Could this really be happening? And if so, who is he? I’ve never heard of him before.”

Saparmurat always thought of Turkmenistan as one of his own children. Maybe as his only child – I’m not really sure if he had children. I think I remember something about that from the BBC, but I’m not sure about the exact details. He thought of Turkmenistan as a child, one way or another, and a child needs to be nurtured, and nurture he did from the very first day of his Presidency (which was a day some time within the last hundred years) to the day he died (which was yesterday, I think). The country will never be the same. Or maybe it will be. I’m not totally sure what’s going to happen over there, or where “over there” is, exactly. I think it’s pretty close to Russia.

The BBC report said that Saparmurat once banned hospitals. That was the kind of guy he was – always joking around, or attempting to ensure painful and drawn-out disease and death for his subjects. There was another thing they mentioned that he once banned, but I forget what it was. Their police force, maybe? Food? I can’t remember, exactly. Whatever it was, it was CLASSIC Saparmurat. You should really google it and try to figure it out. It will provide you with a deeper understanding of who Saparmurat Niyazov really was, just like the deep understanding I momentarily possessed while listening to a radio report about his death earlier this morning.

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Tupac Was A Total Wuss.
Thursday June 15th 2006, 1:53 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,internet crap,music,politics

these guys are probably pretty pissed offWhen Tupac was 19, he was hired as a back-up dancer for Digital Underground. Whoopee. When the Tact Records crew was 19, they were serving in the Israel Defense Forces. If American rappers are pissed off, just imagine what these guys must feel like. Israel’s most popular rapper, Subliminal (MySpace profile here), is known as the creator of “Zionist hip hop.” Tamer Nafar, founder of hip hop group DAM (“Da Arabic MCs”), is an Arab-Israeli. They used to be friends who believed that hip hop could unite the world. Take a wild guess what happened with there.

Read about their falling out over at Guilt and Pleasure.

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The Best Courtroom Sketch of All Time.
Friday March 03rd 2006, 12:30 pm
Filed under: politics,rants

Ruth Bader Ginsburg took a little snooze cruise in the courtroom on March 1. Big deal. She’s only, like, one of nine members of the Judicial branch of the United States Government. So if she’s one ninth of one third of the government of the most powerful nation in the world, that makes her only…. let’s see… about 3.7% important. Faulty logic? You’re faulty. Fuck off.

Who could blame her? The hearings were about political redistricting in Texas which, I think, means they were arguing for hours about the shapes of the voting districts in Texas. Just typing that sentence made me nod out a little.

Anyway, the only reason I’m writing about this at all, as you might have guessed from the title, is because as a result of this would-be fiasco, the single greatest courtroom sketch of all time has been created. I will post it now for your viewing pleasure, and then I will shut the fuck up.

wow.

Yowza.