Shut Up, Internet.
Monday April 30th 2007, 10:21 am
Filed under: consumer action,internet crap,rants,tv

Thakelt10 missed the point pretty spectacularly in his 1-star review of the Criterion Collection DVD release of Fishing With John. For the uninitiated, here’s the wikipedia entry for it. This clip of Tom Waits putting a fish down his pants pretty much sums it up, too. Here’s Amazon.com user Thakelt10’s brilliant advice on the subject:

Perhaps even more astounding are the 3 out of 9 people who found his review helpful.

The internet is chock full of gems like these. Everyone has a voice on the internet if they want one, and as such anyone can feel free to opine on almost astonishingly ridiculous crap (case in point here). Wanna know know the real deal about Brawny paper towels? No problem. Can’t decide if that 9 dollar plunger is the right one for you? Some guy named “Eduardo Nietzsche” from Houston has you covered. Trim the fat off of Amazon and you get Yelp.com, whose motto, “Real People. Real Reviews,” makes it fertile ground for unintentional hilarity. Take, for instance, this review of a gas station in Glenview, Illinois. Let me repeat that: it’s a review of a gas station.

User-generated content is great and all, but maybe we can draw the line at reviews of gas stations and plungers. I don’t need advice when it comes to gas stations and plungers. If I need gas, I’ll find a gas station. I don’t care if it’s not “one of the better gas stations in the area.” If I need a plunger, I’ll buy one. If I somehow manage to break it (which I’ve never done before), I’ll buy a new one. It’s a plunger. I understand that you have things to say about the products you purchase and the gas stations you feel passionate about, but enough is enough.

Shut up, internet.

Things That Suck: Yellow Cars.
Friday March 02nd 2007, 11:33 am
Filed under: rants,things that suck

 When you bought that yellow car you’ve got there, what exactly was going through your head? What was the message you were hoping that driving around in a bright yellow car would convey? Was it a desperate cry for attention, a way of shouting to the world “look at me – I have acquired an automobile!” Maybe it was your way of emulating the peacock’s feathers, a colorful display to attract a mate. You figured “yeah, red is pimp and all, but yellow is brighter!” You thought that the brighter the car, the more likely it would be that a female would have her eye unwittingly attracted to it, wherein she would notice that you, having an automobile, might be a good candidate for sexual intercourse. You weren’t thinking to yourself “I want to drive around in something that looks like a giant sports walkman,” or “I should pick the most obnoxious color possible – my fellow commuters will enjoy that,” were you? Maybe you were thinking “cars say a lot about the person who drives them, so I will pick this bright yellow one.” Fair enough, but check it out: burly mountain men drive pickup trucks because they’re into dirt roads and using words like “torque.” Soccer moms drive SUVs because they have enough room in them for the kids AND the groceries (huzzah!). Dudes like you drive yellow cars because you are total fucking asshat douchebags. Blech! Yellow cars suck!

The Most Popular Blog Post On The Internet.
Monday October 09th 2006, 3:00 pm
Filed under: advertising,internet crap,rants

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m equally into EMO and HIP HOP (HIP-HOP), so when I read in the WIKIPEDIA entry for KELLY CLARKSON that the AMERICAN IDOL star would be releasing some FREE MP3s, I didn’t even give a shit. Seriously – who cares about FREE DOWNLOADS if it’s some shitty music that isn’t even EMO or HIP HOP (HIP-HOP)? Offer me all the FREE FILE DOWNLOADS in the world, but unless they’re PICS OF BRITNEY SPEARS NAKED, a VIDEO OF NAKED BRITNEY SPEARS, NAKED PICTURES BRITNEY SPEARS FUCKING, the PARIS HILTON VIDEO, or the PAMELA ANDERSON VIDEO (you know: the one with PAMELA AND TOMMY (you know: PAMELA ANDERSON AND TOMMY LEE) ON THEIR HONEYMOON PAMELA TOMMY FUCKING HONEYMOON VIDEO), I’m not interested. A FREE KELLY CLARKSON MP3? C’mon. I wouldn’t put that on my IPOD even if my BRAND NEW COLOR IPOD was a FREE BRAND NEW COLOR IPOD.

Forget about BRITNEY NAKED and PARIS FUCKING and FREE KELLY CLARKSON MP3s for your IPOD anyway. Between the WAR IN IRAQ, the latest HURRICANE disaster, and what’s going on in ISRAEL, IRAN, SYRIA, PALESTINE, and NORTH KOREA we really have bigger things to worry about, you know? Why are we spending so much time worrying about BRAD PITT, ANGELINA JOLIE, OPRAH, JOHNNY DEPP, EMINEM, 50 CENT, SHAKIRA, and MICHAEL JACKSON with all the problems in the world? GEORGE BUSH IS STUPID. GEORGE BUSH IS AN IDIOT. He lied about the WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION as an excuse to INVADE IRAQ, and now look where it got us? GEORGE W BUSH IS A STUPID IDIOT! GEORGE W BUSH SUCKS!


What I’m trying to say is this: We need to spend a little less time time watching THE SIMPSONS and SOUTH PARK (and LOST, and PRISON BREAK and SMALLVILLE and GREY’S ANATOMY and FAMILY GUY and DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and HOUSE and NIP/TUCK and AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL), DOWNLOADING RINGTONES (even if they’re FREE RINGTONES AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD), playing ONLINE POKER to win FREE MONEY, and compulsively refreshing our MYSPACE profiles, even if they’re TOTALLY PIMPED-OUT (the same goes for FACEBOOK and FRIENDSTER profiles, too). We need to spend less time thinking about NO INTEREST LOANS, LOW MORTGAGE RATES, and CREDIT CARDS WITH 0% APR. TOTALLY FREE MONEY? There’s no such thing, my friend.

FREE CIALIS? That’s another story.

Click here for details.

Thing That Sucks: My Inability To Confront Hot Girls When They’re Doing Something Fucked Up (An Internal Monologue)
Wednesday August 16th 2006, 2:05 pm
Filed under: rants,things that suck

“Shit. I knew I shouldn’t have sat in a reserved seat. Now there’s an old lady getting on the bus and I’m totally gonna have to give up my seat, even though I’m used to sitting. I should have just stood the whole time. That wouldn’t have been as bad as having to get up. Ah, well. Here we go. Hup! Ahhh, yeah. Stretch those hammies. Get the blood flowin’. You know somethin, Wolinsky? You’re a good guy. You give up seats for the elderly. That’s noble, buddy. You are really something. That old woman is gonna tear up when she sees that kindness still exists, even in this day and – hey! Is that girl seriously taking my seat? Holy fucking shit! She did! She’s probably even younger than I am! What the fuck?! I’ve been at work all day and she’s been, what? Oooh – Whole Foods bags. Yeah, awww. I’m sorry you’re so worn out from picking out organic kale that you need to sit down… in a RESERVED SEAT. While that OLD WOMAN over there clearly needs… oh. Okay. Some other guy got up for her. At least she’s got a seat now, I guess. Fuck. I should just say something to her. I should say ‘Hey… you know, actually, I got up out of that seat so that old lady could sit down.’ Then she’d say ‘Well it looks like she already found a seat.’ Then I’d be completely speechless because, well, wow. She’s really cute. What is that tattoo, anyway? Is that a band logo? And those sunglasses… wow. They’re so BIG. I should go grab the old woman, drag her out of her seat, bring her back over to mine, tell the hot hipster chick to get up, and then physically force the old woman into my seat. She’d like that. Then the hipster chick would totally swoon cuz I’m so nice and she’d give me her phone number but I’d be like “Sorry, I actually already have a girlfriend” and then she’d dump her tits and I’d be like “Jesus Christ… you don’t have to do that. You should respect yourself,” and everyone would applaud. Ah, shit. Is it really my stop already? Ah well. You know what? My inability to confront hot girls when they’re doing something fucked up kind of sucks, but it’s not nearly as bad as having to stand on the bus.

Video Killed The Video Star.
Wednesday July 19th 2006, 9:52 am
Filed under: internet crap,rants,videos

When I was growing up – you know, back in the 80s – if you managed to get your hands on a huge, clunky camcorder, you recorded some really dumb shit, played it back, felt instantly stupid and hid the tape behind your dresser for the next decade.  These days, things are a little different.  With the advent of YouTube and Google Video, people can now instantly cast those unbelievably stupid videos through the series of tubes we call the internets and out to millions and millions of people.  Whether it’s a good thing or not is beyond me.  All I know for sure is that it’s annoying when I’m trying to find the actual Kelly Clarkson video for “Since You’ve Been Gone” and I have to sort through a thousand videos of kids singing it in their bedrooms.  You should probably just read what some dude named Lore Sjöberg has to say about it; he’s way more angry about it than I am anyway.


America’s #1 Public Enemy.
Wednesday July 05th 2006, 9:51 am
Filed under: brain exploders,internet crap,rants

ready to explode like mount st. helensWhat do John Edwards, the FBI, the FAA, and Charlotte Hornets owner George Shinn have in common? Easy: they’re all in on a massive conspiracy to… umm… fly a helicopter 25 feet above this guy’s house. This YouTube video has rekindled my love affair with the internet. It first started making the rounds about two weeks ago (about a decade ago in internet time), but I figured I should probably post it in case anyone hasn’t seen it. Prepare to have your mind blown.


The Greatest Spam Subject Line Of All Time.
Friday May 26th 2006, 11:49 am
Filed under: internet crap,rants

Those clever little monkeys found a way around my gmail spam filter!  How did they do it?  Simple.  With the greatest subject line of all time.

Only close personal friends send emails with subject lines like this one.  This is some seriously cordial shit.  If the robot that sent me this email knew my cat’s name, it would’ve been in there.  This is the kind of spam that makes people weep.  It touches you personally, which is noteworthy because it’s not really coming from a person.  It comes from a robot.  That’s why it was so weird to get this spam message with the greatest subject line of all time.

“Hi… Squash-Vine Borer.”

How did that robot know that I routinely bore squash vines?  There must be some weird NSA conspiracy shit going on here, because I seriously bore squash vines all the fucking time.  Good call, robot.

That bit at the end though – you know… all that “fellow emigrant master key heart shell three-eared worm-tongued serpent moss metal-piercing lizard bronze soul-sapping land rail bull-horn” stuff – might have been a bit off, but hey, one for two ain’t bad.

News For The Indifferent.
Wednesday May 24th 2006, 10:08 am
Filed under: news,rants

If you’re like me, you like to keep up with current events. But if you’re like me, you don’t really care that much about the minutiae of global economics. This is tricky – you want to know what’s going on, but you don’t want it to be that complicated or specific. What do you do? Don’t worry, little buddy – you’ve come to the right place.

a troubled region in troubled times.


Back in 1950, President Eisenhower gave Saddam Hussein, like, a billion dollars. He wanted Saddam to start training dudes so they could overthrow Osama Bin Laden. Well guess what happened? Saddam went mad with power and built all these palaces and bunkers and started secret programs to manufacture Anthrax and bombs shaped like airplanes. George Bush Sr. got super pissed and that turned into Desert Storm. Then George W. Bush was like “Fuck yeah” and now pretty much everyone in the Middle East is dead.

the face of insanity.


Remember Cocktail? No? What about Risky Business? Nothing? Weird. Ah! Top Gun – you remember that, don’t you? Okay, yeah. Well remember the main guy in that? “Maverick?” He turned out to be completely fucking nuts.

shhh... they might be listening.


A few years ago, everybody really liked George W. Bush. Now everybody hates him and it makes him sad. To figure out why, George made the National Security Agency eavesdrop on America so he could hear all the nasty things people were saying about him. Most of the tapes turned out to be totally irrelevant though; mostly just people bitching about how they were bored at work, or how they couldn’t decide what they were going to cook for dinner. Then the Liberal Media found out about the tapes and now it’s been widely reported in the New York Times and the Washington Post that you’re “not in the mood for Mexican tonight.”

ohh i'mmm... yeahhh... i'm still alive, yeah...


Item! Pearl Jam totally put out a new record! Yeah! It’s totally rockin’ and Eddie Vedder is still pissed about Ticketmaster and well, golly, they sound great! Those boys can really cook! Seriously – Pitchfork said it’s a “return to form.” Yeah – a return to form. You know – the form best characterized by songs like “Jeremy” and “Alive.” In 2006. Su-fucking-perb.

paper or plastic?

The world is going to explode pretty soon because you exhale too much. Plus there’s a huge hole in the ozone layer (remember?) and it let in all these rays from space that melted most of our glaciers, even though McDonald’s switched most of their containers from styrofoam to cardboard. Pretty soon there are gonna be five huge storms that are going to merge together and form a “Global Superstorm” that will hurl the planet into a second ice age. Yeah – just like The Day After Tomorrow.

like it or not, this picture is pretty badass.

Some dude named Scooter told someone there are spies. Someone found some papers in a drawer that meant something, then a hurricane happened. The guy who was supposed to take care of it turned out to be a failed horse judge, so a bunch of people died. A lot of them lied about stuff that was pretty important. Some of them got in trouble about it, so Dick Cheney shot some dude in the face.

Things That Are Still Seriously Dangerous.
Thursday April 20th 2006, 4:00 pm
Filed under: lists,rants,writing

In light of a recent post about stuff that doesn’t seem that dangerous anymore, it seems sensible to cover the other side of the coin. After all, what good does it do anyone to know about what isn’t dangerous when there’s still plenty of other shit ready to lay eggs in your brain, gnaw off your leg, or otherwise lay waste to what used to be that meatsack you call your body? This isn’t a post – this is a warning.

these things will destroy you.


Make no mistake about it – teeth are everywhere and they love being used. Whether they’re tearing or grinding doesn’t matter – teeth are harder than your flesh and they will fucking destroy you. Some of them are really sharp and some of them are really pointy and some things actually have more than one row of them (ever heard of a shark?), but don’t sweat the deets. You have bigger fish to fry, like figuring out how the fuck you’re gonna avoid all the trillions of killer teeth out there. Good luck, deadzo.

dear god.


You’re telling me this thing is seriously some kind of living creature? It looks like a weird futuristic bug that’s impervious to the elements (and sulfuric acid) and can live for like fifty thousand years underground with no food or water. Which is actually kind of what it is, right? They’re so tiny there’s probably like 500 of them floating around in your frame of vision right now and there’s nothing you can do about it. Put your shirt over your mouth and nose – there’s probably 5,000 more in your shirt. We’re all going to die and there’s nothing we can do about it because the fucking things are too small. Great.


Three Things That Don’t Seem That Dangerous Anymore.
Monday April 17th 2006, 3:21 pm
Filed under: rants,writing

run!  oh wait - fuck it.


Oh my god! The killer bees are coming! Time to head for Canada cuz, you know, they’re pissed off even by bee standards and they’re going to kill us with ruthless hive-like efficiency. They’re like tiny cyborg death machines. They will sting you in unison, thousands per second, until you look like a giant, throbbing-red sac of jiggling pus. As soon as they get here (which is going to be really soon), we’re all dead… right?

Wrong. The killer bees aren’t coming and even if they were they’re not that bad. Weren’t they supposed to be as far north as Texas ten years ago? I’m pretty sure people are still alive in Texas. And why haven’t they made it any further? There are only two possible reasons: either they’re too lazy to get off their asses, or they don’t exist. Either choice leads to one conclusion: killer bees = not so bad. Shut up.

do the dance of joy, motherfucker.


I’ve talked to plenty of strangers for plenty of reasons. I’ve asked for everything from directions to spare change. When I was underage I asked homeless dudes to buy me beer. Since I’ve been legal, I’ve asked people in line at the McDonalds drive-thru to order food for me since they won’t take your order if you’re not in a car. One time a guy told me to get in his car and order it myself. I did, and then I sat in the parking lot with him and ate my cheeseburger. Did I get raped? Beaten? Kidnapped? Murdered? I don’t think so. The details are hazy, to be honest, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t. Through this encounter I can only conclude that strangers are not dangerous in any way, shape, or form. None of them. Close your eyes and think of your best friend. What were they to you before you met them? Exactly. Shut up.



What are you, fucking nuts? Cobras are super fucking dangerous. They have huge fangs and a weird little cape-looking thing and they only exist to shoot poison all over your face and make you dead. Fangs are sort of like needles when you really think about it, so these fuckers have NEEDLES FOR TEETH. Scared yet? You should be. A lot of people hate you. Cobras are just like them, except they have a mouth full of poison and they don’t give a fuck. Run!