Things That Suck: Every Single Trailer I Saw Last Night Before The Simpsons Movie.
Was the absolutely staggering increase in advertising before movies incremental, or did they just lay it all down at once? I don’t go to the movies all that often, but it seems like every time I do the amount of bullshit they play before the movie gets a little longer and a lot more annoying. I don’t think they used to play commercials for fabric softener and life insurance before movies, did they? I remember there always being trailers, but didn’t all the trailers used to be for… umm… movies? You know – because you were at a movie theater? Now they’re hawking TV shows, products and services, and they’re not even doing it in a widescreen format. They just leave black bars on either side of the screen. How long before they start using those bars to play other, smaller ads? Maybe I should write them a letter and suggest it. As it stands, it’s kind of a waste.
We went to go see The Simpsons Movie last night (which was okay), and we were advised to line up a good half hour before the movie started. What that meant was that we ended up enduring a full hour of dumbed-down movie trivia (one of the answers was actually “The Simpsons Movie” – wrap your head around that one) and advertising. After a half hour of trivia and celebrity quotes and Coke ads, we were actually relieved when the lights dimmed and – gasp – they started playing actual advertisements. You know – ones with pictures that actually move. Geena Davis told us that if we bought refreshments something charitable would happen (can’t remember what), Tide is fucking awesome, and a bunch of TV shows I will never watch will be airing in September. Then finally, after a mind-numbling 15 minutes or so, we finally got to the main course: trailers for other movies. Here’s a quick rundown.
Alvin & The Chipmunks
In 1958, Ross Bagdasarian (who also recorded the hit song “The Witch Doctor”) figured out that speeding up an audio track of a person singing sounds funny. The discovery won him two Grammy Awards, a long-running cartoon spinoff, and the distinguished position of Most Annoying Man Of The 20th Century. 50 years later, it looks like children are just as stupid and easy to please as they were back then. It also looks like Jason Lee’s career is over.
The Game Plan
Did you miss The Pacifier because you thought it looked like the most retarded thing ever, or because you were just waiting for someone to make the same movie with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson instead of Vin Diesel? Let me explain to you why it’s funny: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is very manly, and parenting (especially a daughter) is for chicks. Also noteworthy: “The Rock” is starting to use his actual birth name in conjunction with his wrestling name. Did somebody say “serious acting aspirations”?
A meteor crashes into the Earth but it turns out that it’s an angel and there’s magic and witches and shit like that. Oh, and Robert De Niro is a space pirate. It’s like they force-fed a French guy some ecstasy, threw him in front of a word processor and said “just type whatever sounds cool to you right now.”
This one looks like it’s going to fall into the “naughty Christmas movie” genre established by movies like “Bad Santa,” “Badder Santa,” and “Badder Santa: The Unrated Version” (in which Billy Bob Thornton murders every other character in the movie with an axe while swearing a lot (with hilarious results)), Fred Claus is about Santa Claus’s relationship with his brother (Vince Vaughn), who doesn’t wear a red suit, doesn’t have a beard, and does not deliver presents to children. Instead, the eponymous Fred Claus looks, talks, and acts exactly like Vince Vaughn. You know – like a dude. I’m not even gonna talk shit about this one, actually, because after enduring the crap listed above, this one actually seemed like it might be worth watching.
Good lord. Every single trailer I saw last night before The Simpsons Movie sucked.
I Be Searchin’ Mad Netz, Ya’ll.
Can someone please explain to me why it took me four months to find out about Kevin Federline’s branded Yahoo!-powered search engine SearchWithKevin.com? And here I’ve been using Google like some kind of asshole. To think all this time I could’ve been winning sweet prizes (just for surfing the web!) like K-Fed t-shirts, autographs, and “a chance to attend Kevin’s private birthday celebrations in Los Angeles.” You can also download the “branded Internet Explorer toolbars for instant search & win access” and “quick links to Kevin & his music,” which they guarantee has ” NO ADWARE, SPYWARE OR ANYTHING!” Coming from anyone else I would be wary of downloading something that is guaranteed in all caps to have no adware, spyware, or “anything,” but it’s you, Kevin. Why wouldn’t I trust someone who has nothing left to lose?
As a parenthetical footnote, I’d like to point out that Prodege, the company behind SearchWithKevin, is, according to their website, “the first socially-conscious search engine” who have “pioneered a new way for charities to raise contributions with a cost-free vehicle.” In this case, they are raising money for the National Buy-Some-Dude-With-Zero-Prospects-Some-Macaroni-And-Cheese Fund.
p.s. PEEP IT ON THE ‘SPACE, YO!
It’s the best way to take it, man. If you swallow it you lose too much of it in your digestive system. If you hoop it, it goes straight into your bloodstream, dude. Yeeeeeahhhhh.
(via vintage ads – more radium-related insanity here)
The Worst Marketing Campaign Of All Time.
Dear Peanut Butter Industry Executives,
I have found the key to your urban demographic. Don’t hit delete yet – let me explain.
Earlier this year an up-and-coming think tank met for a Sunday brunch brainstorming session. Their goal? To invent a new signature cocktail. Not just any signature cocktail, mind you – a signature cocktail that would transcend race, gender, and class lines. What they came up with probably won’t surprise you: Goldschlager and Grape Juice. What’s surprising is that nobody thought of that before! The garnish, on the other hand, came as a bit of a shock to all of us, and if it shocked us, I’m sure it’s going to blow your fucking minds, Peanut Butter Industry Executives:
A smear of peanut butter around the rim.
Do I have your fucking attention yet?
Okay – so we’ve got Goldschlager and grape juice on ice with peanut butter around the rim. What do you call something like that? What name could possibly do it justice? It would have to be something edgy, yet elegant. Smooth, but rough. Creamy, but kind of crunchy – catch my drift (hint: you can get either creamy or crunchy peanut butter around the rim)? The name of this soon-to-be famous signature cocktail, gentlemen?
The Rusty Trombone.
Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Well sure, the cocktail sounds fantastic, but what does this have to do with me, a humble Peanut Butter Industry Executive?” Let me remind you: there’s peanut butter around the rim of this cocktail, this “lifestyle” cocktail. This is going to be a cocktail that people identify with. This, my friends, is where the urban demographic comes in to play.
You may have heard of another popular “lifestyle” cocktail that’s all the rage down in the “dirtay” south. I’m talking, of course, about the “sizzurp” craze (aka “purple drank,” aka “oil,” aka “lean”). Well guess what, Peanut Butter Executives? The “dirty” south is sick of the purple stuff! They’re tired of sippin’ on lean! A man cannot subsist on prescription strength cough syrup and Sprite alone! The people (read: the urban people) are ready for a new cocktail, Peanut Butter Industry Executives, and that cocktail is going to be The Rusty Trombone.
And it will have a smear of peanut butter around the motherfucking rim.
Peanut butter isn’t cool – you guys know this better than anyone else. Every labored ad campaign designed to popularize peanut butter practically screams “this shit is lame!” You lost the urban demographic because the urban demographic is cool and peanut butter is not. The urban demopgrahic is concerned with things like style – things like LIFESTYLE. Guess what? This is a lifestyle cocktail with a smear of peanut butter around the rim. Just picture it: the most famous dirty south rapper in the world rapping in his videos about “lickin’ creamy skip’ off the rim,” or asking his listeners “wut ya’ll know about Creamy Skip?” or maybe just screaming “AWWW SKIP SKIP MOTHAFUCKAZ!” Sound good? Sound like it’ll move some units? Sound like it could maybe, oh geez, I don’t know, pull your whole industry out of the shit? That’s because it can, Peanut Butter Industry Executives. It can if you let it.
So now you’re thinking to yourself, “Alright, you sold me – the drink sounds delicious, the marketing plan sounds perfect, and we could really use a revenue boost in the urban market! Where do we go from here?” I’m glad you asked. I’m envisioning a chain of clubs throughout the “dirty” south that specializes in serving Rusty Trombones. Exclusively Rusty Trombones. We could call it “Rusty’s,” and we could have rappers (read: Rusty Trombone enthusiasts) play live at the shows, and we could make a million fucking dollars. You’ve been very successful at selling a product, Peanut Butter Executives. Now it’s time to kick it up a notch. It’s time to start selling a LIFESTYLE.
Let me worry about generating a buzz – you guys sell peanut butter, for fuck’s sake. Let me get the word out on the street, let me handle the rappers, and let me figure out the perfect blend of Goldschlager and grape juice. All I need from you guys is a whole shitload of venture capital.
Hit me back with the exact amount of money you guys want to throw at this. Remember: the more you spend, the more we make. I will be sending identical email to all of your competitors as well – the contract goes to the highest bidder. Let’s make some fucking cash.
Dear Swishahouse Marketing Executive,
I represent the Unilever subsidiary Skippy Peanut Butter, and we’re currently developing a fairly radical ad campaign for a fairly traditional brand (and a traditional product, at that – the peanut butter demographic tends to skew “family”). I’m sure you’re wondering at this point what in the name of G-d Skippy has to do with Swishahouse. See, that’s the problem right there: Skippy HAS NOTHING to do with Swishahouse.
And that’s what we’d like to change.
By the numbers, there is a huge dip in sales in the peanut butter industry with the youthful, urban demographic. We’d like to capture that demographic if we can, and quite frankly, we think that you, Swishahouse Records, could hold the key to it.
We’re both busy so I’ll get to the point: We want to market a new drink to replace “purple drank,” “lean,” “oil” – whatever you want to call it. Your artists have been rapping about it for a long time now, and we think your audience is probably about ready to give it a rest. The new drink we are developing consists of Goldschlager and grape juice with a smear of Skippy peanut butter around the rim. It’s called The Rusty Trombone, and we’d really like to have your artists (Mike Jones, Paul Wall, et al) pushing it for us on MTV. Some example rhymes they could use include the following:
“What ya’ll know about creamy Skip?” (Nothin’!)
“Lickin’ that candy Skip off the rim in the turnin’ lane”
“Candy Skip drippin off the frame”
Not that they would HAVE TO use these lines, they’re just suggestions obviously.
What, you might be wondering, would Swishahouse Records receive in return? How’s a huge fucking bag of money sound? Pretty good?
We think so, too.
Let’s help each other out.
Hit me back and let me know how you’d like to proceed from here.
Responses: None from the Peanut Butter sector. Head of Marketing for Swishahouse replied with his phone number, but subsequent calls remain unreturned.
Yet Another Reason To Hate L.A.
I wonder what Kevin G. Boyd was doing when he came up with the idea for Bling H20. I bet he was sitting on a black leather couch, taking a sip of Fiji water. He probably put it down on his glass coffee table, looked at the bottle and thought to himself, “You know what? I bet I can trick morons into paying way more money for this shit than $3.” Thus spoke a Hollywood writer-producer, and thus Bling H20 was born. It’s $25 – $40 a bottle. The bottle is filled with water. Read their ad copy and brace yourself for another terrorist attack:
“Bling H2O is the inspiration of Kevin G. Boyd, Hollywood writer-producer. While working on various studio lots where image is of the utmost importance he noticed that you could tell a lot about a person by the bottled water they carried. In Hollywood it seemed as if people flaunted their bottled water like it was part of their presentation. Whether the bottles had a cool shape or came from an exotic island, none truly made that defining statement. Bling H2O was fashioned to make that defining statement. The mission was to offer a product with an exquisite face to match exquisite taste. The product is strategically positioned to target the expanding super-luxury consumer market. Initially introduced to hand-selected athletes and actors, Bling H2O is now excitedly expanding it’s availability. Bling H2O has been featured at many recent celebrity events including the MTV Video Music Awards and television’s biggest event, The Emmys. Bling H20 is pop-culture in a bottle. But it’s not for everyone, just those that Bling. So the question is: Do You Bling?“
Wasn’t that whole fucking city supposed to have fallen into the ocean already?
The Most Popular Blog Post On The Internet.
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m equally into EMO and HIP HOP (HIP-HOP), so when I read in the WIKIPEDIA entry for KELLY CLARKSON that the AMERICAN IDOL star would be releasing some FREE MP3s, I didn’t even give a shit. Seriously – who cares about FREE DOWNLOADS if it’s some shitty music that isn’t even EMO or HIP HOP (HIP-HOP)? Offer me all the FREE FILE DOWNLOADS in the world, but unless they’re PICS OF BRITNEY SPEARS NAKED, a VIDEO OF NAKED BRITNEY SPEARS, NAKED PICTURES BRITNEY SPEARS FUCKING, the PARIS HILTON VIDEO, or the PAMELA ANDERSON VIDEO (you know: the one with PAMELA AND TOMMY (you know: PAMELA ANDERSON AND TOMMY LEE) ON THEIR HONEYMOON PAMELA TOMMY FUCKING HONEYMOON VIDEO), I’m not interested. A FREE KELLY CLARKSON MP3? C’mon. I wouldn’t put that on my IPOD even if my BRAND NEW COLOR IPOD was a FREE BRAND NEW COLOR IPOD.
Forget about BRITNEY NAKED and PARIS FUCKING and FREE KELLY CLARKSON MP3s for your IPOD anyway. Between the WAR IN IRAQ, the latest HURRICANE disaster, and what’s going on in ISRAEL, IRAN, SYRIA, PALESTINE, and NORTH KOREA we really have bigger things to worry about, you know? Why are we spending so much time worrying about BRAD PITT, ANGELINA JOLIE, OPRAH, JOHNNY DEPP, EMINEM, 50 CENT, SHAKIRA, and MICHAEL JACKSON with all the problems in the world? GEORGE BUSH IS STUPID. GEORGE BUSH IS AN IDIOT. He lied about the WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION as an excuse to INVADE IRAQ, and now look where it got us? GEORGE W BUSH IS A STUPID IDIOT! GEORGE W BUSH SUCKS!
GEORGE BUSH RULES GEORGE W BUSH RULES GEORGE BUSH IS AWESOME GEORGE W BUSH IS AWESOME.
What I’m trying to say is this: We need to spend a little less time time watching THE SIMPSONS and SOUTH PARK (and LOST, and PRISON BREAK and SMALLVILLE and GREY’S ANATOMY and FAMILY GUY and DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and HOUSE and NIP/TUCK and AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL), DOWNLOADING RINGTONES (even if they’re FREE RINGTONES AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD), playing ONLINE POKER to win FREE MONEY, and compulsively refreshing our MYSPACE profiles, even if they’re TOTALLY PIMPED-OUT (the same goes for FACEBOOK and FRIENDSTER profiles, too). We need to spend less time thinking about NO INTEREST LOANS, LOW MORTGAGE RATES, and CREDIT CARDS WITH 0% APR. TOTALLY FREE MONEY? There’s no such thing, my friend.
FREE CIALIS? That’s another story.
Click here for details.
I’m In New York, So Buy My Crap.
In case you didn’t figure it out from the last post, I’m in New York (You know – with all the Chineemen). I’ll be here for another week and a half, and although I may post an occasional update or two, things will probably be pretty dead around here for the most part.
Suck it. I’m on vacation.
If you’re really hard up for new stuff to read, hey! I’ve got an idea! Head over to Quimby’s and buy my new zine! It’s got a lot of stuff you’ve already read on here, plus a few other things! The best part? Instead of reading it for free, you have to pay two bucks!
Do it now! Right now!
The Hypocritical Mass Guide To This Year’s Hottest Fireworks.
With the 4th of July just around the corner, people everywhere are flocking to ramshackle roadside shacks by the state border to stock up on fireworks. But with so many products to choose from, it can be a real trick to get the most bang for your buck! Here’s a quick rundown of this year’s hottest 4th of July products – happy igniting!
A FEW SPARKS, SOME SMOKE, THEN NOTHING
Item #: N-284
Why get caught offguard by your inevitable disappointment this 4th of July when you could fully expect it?! With A Few Sparks, Some Smoke, Then Nothing, say goodbye to unfulfilled incendiary expectations – you won’t have any from the get-go!
OVERPROTECTIVE PARENT PACK
Item #: F-981
Category: Novelties, Smoke & Snakes
You fucking pussy.
WHEER OF STELEOTYPE
Item #: A-172
Lightey fusey, then you make run! 16,000 firework make loud bang, give you happy feeling! You rikey, so you buy! Me karate choppy you! Flied lice! Wax on, wax off! So solly!
AN ACTUAL ROCKET LAUNCHER
Item #: D-140
Category: Illegal Weapons
You have two choices this 4th of July: come out and play with the big dogs, or stay on the porch with the little pups. What’s it gonna be?
Price: what, like $25,000?
SHOCK & AWE-SOME!
Item #: K-324
Category: Aerials, Warfare
Relive the excitement of air strikes over Baghdad with these nifty aerials, civilian casualties included! These suckers fly straight up in the air, emit a small burst of sparks, then silently shoot straight back down and explode once they hit the ground! Whoa, nelly! Caution: these will kill you. Use only under adult supervision.
Item #: Q-481
Category: Aerials, Reloadable Shells/Mortars
These suckers will shoot hundreds of feet in the air, hang there for a minute, then literally fuck the stars. Seeing is believing! A Hypocritical Mass exclusive!
On May 6, Perry, Georgia will host the 12th annual Georgia Lineman’s Rodeo. Events include the “Hurt Man’s Rescue,” “Transformer Change,” and the always-popular “Conductor Tie-In & Arrester Installation.” A 23 month-old baby released his first CD, “Go Baby!” Ralphe Armstrong, who played bass on the CD, described the baby as the “reincarnation of drummers like Buddy Rich or Tony Williams… It frightens me he is so good.” The fastest man in the world drinks Nutrilite, and the American College of Radiology announced that Tom Cruise is in no way qualified to perform an ultrasound. Old Navy has announced a nationwide search for a new “spokesdog,” and Cocktails By Jenn, maker of ready-to-drink flavored vodka martini mixes, has announced that “girls’ night is alive and kicking.”
Because knowledge is a weapon, folks. Use it wisely.
(previous PR Roundup here)