Ten Things Zombies Might Want To Try Eating Other Than Human Brains.
Thursday May 31st 2007, 11:56 am
Filed under: lists

– chinese food
– ice cream
– a sandwich
– creme brulee
– cow brains (“cabeza”)
– spaghetti
– sashimi
– lunchables
– yogurt & granola
– The Corner Bakery’s “Corner Combo”

Better Ways To Attempt Suicide Than Hitting Yourself In The Head With A Hammer.
Tuesday February 20th 2007, 9:44 am
Filed under: bizarre,lists,news,stupidity

It happens to everyone once in a while: there you are, clutching a bloody hammer after beating your wife, sister-in-law, and mother-in-law to death. You’re in big trouble, mister! You know what you have to do before the cops get there, but do you really think you can do yourself in the same way you just brutally murdered those three women? Try it out – ouch! That smarts, eh? What’s that? You can’t think of any other ways to commit suicide? Uh oh – you hear those sirens? Better think fast! Don’t worry, little guy – I’ve got a few ideas. It might be too late for Daryoush Ebrahimi, but here’s some suggestions for the rest of ya’ll.

– drowning yourself in a bathtub

– eat, go swimming immediately afterward

– shoot yourself in the face with a shotgun

– watch video of baby seals getting clubbed, wait for heart to break

– get depantsed in gym class, die of embarrassment (note: must actually attend some sort of gym class)

– pills, pills, more pills

– dress up like a bird egg, find one of those lizards that eat bird eggs

– hold hammer still, run into it with head

– pretty much any other method

The Sexiest (And Most Sold-Out) Halloween Costumes Of 2006.
Tuesday October 31st 2006, 11:53 am
Filed under: lists,stupidity

 Bad news, ladies: The following costumes at halloweenmart.com are sold out:

Sexy Pirate Wench

Sexy Bee

Sexy Firefighter

Sexy Gangster Moll (note: with an alternate meaning of the word “moll” the name of this costume could technically be “Sexy Gangster Prostitute,” which totally fucking rules.)

Sexy Delegate

It’s true: The demand for Sexy Delegate costumes was greater than halloweenmart.com’s supply of them this year, but don’t worry! There are still plenty of totally sexy costumes available on the market! Consider one of the following:

– Sexy Notary Public

– Sexy Homeless Person

– Sexy Wilford Brimley

– Sexy Foreign Exchange Student With Little Or No Understanding Of American Halloween Customs

– Sexy Teenager With Low Self Esteem

– Sexy Holocaust Survivor

– Sexy Girl With Basically Nothing Else Going For Her Except For Her Sexiness

– Sexy Tuba Player

– Sexy Burn Victim

– Sexy Girl At The Halloween Party Who Looks Like She’d Be Really Easy To Bone

The Dumbest Invention Of All Time.
Thursday October 26th 2006, 3:21 pm
Filed under: brain exploders,internet crap,lists,stupidity

Ten Other Products That People Interested In Hammacher Schlemmer’s New Computerless E-Mail Printer May Want To Consider Purchasing:

– A Receiverless Telephone

– A Bladeless Knife

– A Wireless Wire

– A Memory Foam Hammer

– An Ink-Drenched Towel

– A Single-Cube Ice Tray

– A “God Bless This Mess” Wall Hanging From Some Shitty Antique Store In Door County, Wisconsin

– A Windex Bottle Full Of Blood

– A Computer

Why Kitties Are Better Than People.
Tuesday August 22nd 2006, 10:46 am
Filed under: lists,photoshop fun

List: My Favorite Search Engine Phrases That Have Brought People To This Website In The Last Month.
Tuesday July 11th 2006, 9:07 am
Filed under: internet crap,lists

what are you, some kind of wizard?

what is the most pot tupac smoked at one time

Satanists in Ethiopia today

matthew barney sucks

teeth filed like fangs

killer bee eat your brain

Help Make A Change.
Wednesday May 03rd 2006, 1:20 pm
Filed under: internet crap,lists

You may have seen PetitionOnline.com before. It’s a site for people to post and sign – you guessed it – petitions online. It’s pretty much anonymous, and it’s open to whoever wants to contribute, so there’s tons of unbelievably retarded crap on there that isn’t worth looking at, but guess what? I took the time to weed out a few you might want to check out. I’m just good like that. Some of my favorites:

Petition for a new Oasis Website
358 signatures

“Oasis has a loyal, hard-core fanbase that has been supportive of the band
through the years, either when they were on top of the world, or when they
were on the verge of a break-up. Therefore, i think it’s fair to ask
Ignition management and Big Brother Records to put effort into the creation
of a website that serves the needs of one of the most loyal fanbases any
band could wish.”

Petition for a film based on the Nintendo game Mega Man
338 signatures

“We, the undersigned, sincerely wish for the video-game entertainment giant Capcom Co., LTD to set the framework for a film based on the “Mega Man” video game series, first launched in 1987. In addition to this request, we would also appreciate if the executives at Capcom would collaborate with the creators of the famed “Mega Man Fan-Trailer” (a mock movie project available at http://www.planet-megaman.com/mmmovie/), in order to bring a fan’s viewpoint into the creation of this film.”

Petition for Equal Rights for Juggalos
1,317 signatures

“this petition is for the fight of juggalo equality [sic]. we are called juggalos we live all across the world but in the united states we are currently facing our biggest hardship of them all [sic]. we are being treated like a cult or a gang. we are very religious group. yes we may listen to music that talks of murder axes drugs and sex but that’s all that is music [sic]. there was a underlying message from the founding group of this all the Insane Clown Posse [sic].”


Shows That Would Exist If I Had My Own Television Network.
Monday April 24th 2006, 8:53 am
Filed under: lists,photoshop fun

TITLE: Celebrity Smelting
FORMAT: Reality
TIME: 30 minutes
SYNOPSIS: Every week, a different celebrity is locked inside of a foundry and given 24 hours to figure out all applicable production processes for manufacturing screws and bolts. If they fail, the celebrity must plunge their hands into a vat of molten steel.
BUDGET: 40 billion dollars.

TITLE: Supermarket Sweeps Extreme
FORMAT: Gameshow
TIME: 30 minutes
SYNOPSIS: Supermarket Sweep… with weapons.
BUDGET: A gazillion dollars.

TITLE: Maritime Fantasy
TIME: 1 hour
SYNOPSIS: A wizard, a respectable black man, and a cartoon dragon DJ fight crime. They also live together on a boat for some reason.
BUDGET: 700 trillion dollars.

TITLE: Shark Out Of Water
FORMAT: Sitcom
TIME: As long as it takes.
SYNOPSIS: Through a long and complicated series of events, a shark becomes an astronaut.
BUDGET: Whole lotta skrilla.

Things Other Than Collars That Three Six Mafia Have Been Popping For As Long As They Can Remeber.
Friday April 21st 2006, 4:16 pm
Filed under: lists,photoshop fun





Things That Are Still Seriously Dangerous.
Thursday April 20th 2006, 4:00 pm
Filed under: lists,rants,writing

In light of a recent post about stuff that doesn’t seem that dangerous anymore, it seems sensible to cover the other side of the coin. After all, what good does it do anyone to know about what isn’t dangerous when there’s still plenty of other shit ready to lay eggs in your brain, gnaw off your leg, or otherwise lay waste to what used to be that meatsack you call your body? This isn’t a post – this is a warning.

these things will destroy you.


Make no mistake about it – teeth are everywhere and they love being used. Whether they’re tearing or grinding doesn’t matter – teeth are harder than your flesh and they will fucking destroy you. Some of them are really sharp and some of them are really pointy and some things actually have more than one row of them (ever heard of a shark?), but don’t sweat the deets. You have bigger fish to fry, like figuring out how the fuck you’re gonna avoid all the trillions of killer teeth out there. Good luck, deadzo.

dear god.


You’re telling me this thing is seriously some kind of living creature? It looks like a weird futuristic bug that’s impervious to the elements (and sulfuric acid) and can live for like fifty thousand years underground with no food or water. Which is actually kind of what it is, right? They’re so tiny there’s probably like 500 of them floating around in your frame of vision right now and there’s nothing you can do about it. Put your shirt over your mouth and nose – there’s probably 5,000 more in your shirt. We’re all going to die and there’s nothing we can do about it because the fucking things are too small. Great.